26 Responses Actually Given in Court

Actual Court Sayings!

30 things people actually said in court

Question 1.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Question 2.
Q: What gear were you in the moment of impact?
A: Gucci sweets and Reeboks.

Question 3.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory1
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you have forgotten?

Question 4.
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: 38 or 35, I can’t remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: 45 years

Question 5.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said “Where am I, Cathy?”
Q: And why did that upset you?
A My name is Susan.

Question 6.
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximatly milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Question 7.
Q: Sir, What is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Question 8.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Question 9.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, Voodoo.

Question 10.
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendent, were you red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes
Q: Did the defendent say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes sir
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Question 11.
Q: Now doctor, isnt it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesnt know about it until the next morning?

Question 12.
Q: The youngest son, the 22 year old, how old is he?

Question 13.
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Question 14.
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Question 15.
Q: Did he kill you?

Question 16.
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of collision?

Question 17.
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Question 18.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Question 19.
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at the time?

Question 20.
Q: She had three children right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: none.
Q: Were there any girls?

Question 21.
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: yes
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Question 22.
Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather eleborate honeymoon, didnt you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Question 23.
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Question 24.
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Question 25.
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or female?

Question 26.
Q: Doctor how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Question 27.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK,? What school did you go to?
A: Oral

Question 28.
Q: Do you recall the time you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Question 29.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Question 30.
Q:Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So it was possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brains was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

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Texas Chili Cookoff

Texas Chili Contest

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a chili cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city park. The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who has visited from Springfield IL.

Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judges table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy and, besides, they told me that I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.”

Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge 3)

Chili #1 Eddie’s Maniac Monster Chili

>Judge #1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

>Judge #2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

>Judge #3 — (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint on my driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy!

Chili #2 Austin’s Afterburner Chili

>Judge #1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

>Judge #2 — Exiting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

>Judge #3 — Keep this out of reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili #3 Ronny’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

>Judge #1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

>Judge #2 — A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

>Judge #3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my back bone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting pie-eyed from all the beer…

Chili #4 Dave’s Black Magic

>Judge #1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

>Judge #2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.

>Judge #3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb woman is starting to look HOT…just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili #5 Lisa’s Legal Lip Remover

>Judge #1 — Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

>Judge #2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

>Judge #3 – My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off may forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili #6 Pam’s Very Vegetarian Variety

>Judge #1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

> Judge #2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

> Judge #3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous sulphuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Chili #7 Carla’s Screaming Sensation Chili

>Judge #1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

>Judge #2 — Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last minute. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.

>Judge #3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are filled with lave to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing; it’s too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili #8 Karen’s Toenail Curling Chili

>Judge #1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

>Judge #2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he’d have reacted to REALLY hot chili.

10 tasteless Cards for the Grinchiest of Grinches

Very Best of the Evening Jokes Just for You

SOME FEMALE BUMPER STICKERS

Behind every successful woman is herself.

Oh my god, I think I’m becoming the man I wanted to marry!
Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but she did it backwards and in high heels.

A woman is like a tea bag … you don’t know how strong she is until you put her in hot water.

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.

So many men, so few who can afford me.
Coffee, chocolate, men … some things are just better rich.

Don’t treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
I’m out of oestrogen and I have a gun.

Warning:
I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

Of course I don’t look busy … I did it right the first time.
Do not start with me. You will not win.
bullet
All stressed out and no one to choke.

I can be one of those bad things that happens to bad people.
How can I miss you if you won’t go away ?

Don’t upset me! I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.

If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

 

Best Cat Cartoons and Jokes of the Day

 

Funny quotes about cat owners

• “You can keep a dog; but it is the cat who keeps people, because cats find humans useful domestic animals.”- George Mikes

• “There are few things in life more heart warming than to be welcomed by a cat.” – Tay Hohoff

• “The trouble with sharing one’s bed with cats is that they’d rather sleep on you than beside you.”- Pam Brown

• As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat. – Ellen Perry Berkeley

• “My husband said it was him or the cat…I miss him sometimes.” – Unknown

 

Read more: http://therealowner.com/humor/funny-quotes-about-cats-and-cat-owners/#ixzz3sSJa4CMV

Evening Chuckle

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A hunter stumbled across another hunter. Hunter 1: “Am I glad to see you, I’ve been lost for three days.” Hunter 2: “Don’t get too excited, friend, I’ve been lost for three weeks.”

I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labour and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, “Congratulations sir, you’re the new father of twins!” The man replied, “How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company.” The man then followed the woman to his wife’s room. About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith’s wife has just had triplets. Mr. Smith stood up and said, “Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company.” The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, “I think I need a breath of fresh air.” The man continued, “I work for 7-UP.”

A Texas mountain lion slipped across the line into Oklahoma to visit his cousin and couldn’t help noticing how sleek and well-fed his cousin looked.

“Hey Buddy, what’s your secret to eating so well?” he asked.

“Oh, that’s easy, cousin.  All you gotta do is sneak up behind a cowboy and scare the crap out of him.  Then you eat’im,”  he answered.

“All right!  I’ll give it a shot!”  He took off across the plains and they didn’t meet up again for about six months.

“Well, I thought you be looking a lot better by now, but it looks like you’re ’bout to starve to death.  Didn’t that advice I gave you help at all?”  said the Oklahoma cat.

“Naw, it didn’t,” said the Texas cat.  “I sneaked up and scared the crap out off ’em all right, but once you scare the crap out of a Texas cowboy, all you got left is boots and a belt buckle.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

E vening Chuckle

Evening Chuckle

Stopping to ask directions at a house at dinnertime, I was invited in to eat with the family. When I asked what they were having, I was told southern fried possum.
I suddenly remembered that I wasn’t hungry, but replied that I had always heard opossum tasted just like chicken.
The cook told me it should because it ate 13 of her chickens before ending up in the frying pan.

~~~~~

Sign seen on a Taxidermist’s window: “We really know our stuff.”

~~~~~

Seen on a T-Shirt:
Moosehead
A great beer and a new experience for a moose
~~~~~
The Old Man and The Beaver

A 110-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he’s feeling.
“I’ve never felt better,” he replies. I’ve got an eighteen-year-old bride who’s pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?”
The doctor thinks for a moment and says, “Let me tell you a story. I know a guy who’s an avid hunter. He never misses a season but one day he’s in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So, he’s walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him. He raises his umbrella, points it at the beaver, squeezes the handle, and BAM! the beaver drops dead in front of him.”
That’s impossible,” said the old man in disbelief, “someone else must have shot that beaver!”
“Exactly”, said the doctor.

~~~~~

Mumba Snake

A guy was visiting his friend in the hospital who was “all torn up.” “What happened?” he asked.
“Well, we were hunting the Mumba snake. It has yellow and black stripes. It likes to sun itself lying across a pathway in the jungle. You catch it by grabbing the tip of its tail with one hand and quickly running your other hand up the length of its body so you can grab it behind the neck.”
“Go on,” the friend said.
“Well, I sneaked up to the tail laying across the jungle path, grabbed it by the end, and rapidly moved my other hand upward … just as the procedure goes.”
“So why are you so beaten up?” the friend asked.
“Did you ever *goose* a tiger?”

~~~~~

Top five signs you’ve hired the wrong hunting guide:

5. Your guide blows into big sea shell horn to attract game and a bunch of Vikings show up instead.
4. Your guide is completely outfitted with “Barney” camping equipment.
3. As you close in on a deer, your guide whispers in an Elmer Fudd voice, “Be vehhwey vehhwey quiet.”
2. He calls trees by their first names.
And the number one sign you’ve hired the wrong hunting guide:
1. He is prone to scream, “Run, Bambi, RUN!”

~~~~~

Anyone who is mistaken for a moose and shot, is probably better off anyway.t

~~~~~

Did you hear about the guy who went elephant hunting and ended up in the hospital?
He got a hernia carrying the decoys.

~~~~~

What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer Nuts are around a dollar seventy-nine, and deer nuts are just under a buck!

~~~~~

~~~~~

A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
“Where’s Henry?”
“Henry had a stroke of some kind. He’s a couple of miles back up the trail.”
“You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back!?!”
“A tough call,” nodded the hunter, “but I figured no one is going to steal Henry.”

~~~~~

Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has hunted all his life. When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry to sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand.
When he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a blood-curdling scream. He rushes back to Jerry and yells, “I thought I told you to be quiet!”
Jerry says, “Hey, I tried. I really tried!! When those snakes crawled over me, I didn’t make a sound. When that bear was breathing down my neck, I didn’t make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said – ‘Should we take them with us or eat them here?’, I couldn’t keep quiet any more!”

~~~~~

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose.
The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call.
Before long their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, “OK, lets get out and get him.”
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, “The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?”
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, “The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?”
The guy in the front says, “Well, I’m going to start nibbling grass, but you’d better brace yourself.