Dirty Trick

As we walked across the Walmart parking lot this afternoon, my husband of forty-five years, Bud, pointed out my loose bootlace. I had no intention of bending over in the parking lot to tie it, so replied, “I have a backache.  I’ll tie it later.”

Bud couldn’t deal with the idea of the flopping shoelace, so he rolled his eyes and grumped,  “You can’t walk around like that.  You’ll break your danged neck.  Stand still.  I’ll tie it!”

With that, he dropped down on one knee to tie it, just as a couple of guys walked by, obviously wondering what was going on.

I couldn’t pass up this opportunity, spouting,  “No, I won’t marry you!  Now get up!”

Laugh Your Way With Joke of the Day

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Thinking of being thankful while still keeping a funny tone? You can do so and still wish a happy Thanksgiving to your close ones using these famous but yet funny Thanksgiving sayings and phrases.funny thanksgiving turkey

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor. ~ Phyllis Diller

We’re having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing. ~ George Carlin

An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day. ~ Iry Kupcinet

I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Some one needs to tell the turkey, ‘man, just be yourself. ~ Mitch Hedberg

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land. ~ Jon Stewart

The thing I’m most thankful for right now is elastic waistbands. ~Unknown Author

Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before. ~ Rita Rudner

I love Thanksgiving turkey… it’s the only time in Los Angeles that you see natural breasts. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger

Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year. ~ P.J. O’Rourke

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence. ~ Erma Bombeck

Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty. ~ Michael Dresser

I have strong doubts that the first Thanksgiving even remotely resembled the ‘history’ I was told in second grade. But considering that (when it comes to holidays) mainstream America’s traditions tend to be over-eating, shopping, or getting drunk, I suppose it’s a miracle that the concept of giving thanks even surfaces at all. ~ Ellen Orleans

We should look for someone to eat and drink with before looking for something to eat and drink. ~ Epicurus

It’s not the minutes spent at the table that put on weight, it’s the seconds. ~ Unknown Author

Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty. ~ Michael Dresser

My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow. ~ Rita Rudner

What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving? ~ Erma Bombeck

Thanksgiving, man! Not a good day to be my pants. ~ Kevin James

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land. ~ Jon Stewart

Here I am 5 o’clock in the morning stuffing bread crumbs up a dead bird’s butt. ~ Roseanne Barr

Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftovers in aluminium foil and throw them out. ~ Nicole Hollander

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage. ~ Erma Bombeck

A lot of Thanksgiving days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen. ~ Kin Hubbard

Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread and pumpkin pie. ~ Jim Davis

Coexistence… what the farmer does with the turkey – until Thanksgiving ? ~ Mike Connolly

Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread and pumpkin pie. ~ Jim Davis

If you want to save a species, simply decide to eat it. Then it will be managed – like chickens, like turkeys, like deer, like Canadian geese. ~ Ted Nugent

There is no sincerer love than the love of food. ~ George Bernard Shaw

It must be an odd feeling to be thankful to nobody in particular. Christians in public institutions often see this odd thing happening on Thanksgiving Day. Everyone in the institution seems to be thankful ‘in general.’ It’s very strange. It’s a little like being married in general. ~ Cornelius Plantinga, Jr

May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey plump, May your potatoes and gravy. Have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious, And your pies take the prize, And may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs! ~Unknown Author

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Where in the Hell Did He Hear That”

cute little boyBoth of my kids talked early.  That can be a curse.  When my son was about twenty months old, we’d been pursuing mice in our house.  He never got there in time to see them.  One wonderful day, he found one that had fallen and drowned in the commode.  He came ripping out to share the thrilling news, then made the following remark, “I’ve been wanting to see a mouse for many years, and finally found one in the bammode.(commode)  That son of a bitch!”

Pantiless Party Performance

Surprise partyConnie and Marilyn were adorable little girls, born a little over a year apart.  Born fouth and fifth of five children, we all doted on them, with the exception of my brother Billy, who was displaced by all that cuteness.  Mother dressed them in pastel shades of the same style dresses as much as she could.  Connie was fair and blue-eyed with cotton white Continue reading

Uh Oh!

The ninety-year-old man tottered in to his doctor’s office, then turned and gestured to his eighty-eight year-old wife.  “Come on in.  This concerns you, too.”

After a cursory greeting, the doctor asked them, “How can I help you today?”

“Well, we’re having problems with our sex life.”

Caught by surprise, the doctor asked, “Uhhhh….How long has this been going on?”

“First last night and then again this morning!”