Best Dog Jokes of the Day

 

DogcoPilot

#1 Mrs Green’s Dog & her neighbor

Mrs Green was walking to the post office when her neighbor came up to her and said “Hello Janis, How’s your dog? I saw her yesterday chasing an old man on a bike.”

“Oh” said Mrs Green “That could NOT have been my dog”

“Oh, why not?” replied her neighbor “I’m pretty sure it was her”

“Well” stated Mrs. Green smiling “my dog doesn’t ride a bike”

funnydog

#2 Seeing Eye Dog

A blind man walks in to a department store with his seeing eye dog on a leash.

The store manager behind the customer service counter looks up, notices the customer is blind, and quickly looks away again.

Out of the corner of his eye he sees the blind man start swinging the dog over his head with its leash. S

hocked, the manager runs over and says, “Mister, is there a problem – is there something I can help you with?” The blind man calmly replies, “No thanks – I’m just looking around.”

#3 – Q: What do dogs call frozen poop?

A: Poopsicles

puginchair

#4 Help Wanted

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, that read:

“HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.”

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said, “I can’t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.” The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, “The sign says you have to be good with a computer.”

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, “I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can’t give you the job.”

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, “Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual.”

The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, “Meow.”

hotdog

#5 Two Scottish nuns

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, “I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs.”

“That’s odd,” her companion replies, “but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.”

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. “Two dogs, please,” says one.

The vendor is pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil, and hands them over the counter. Excitedly, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to un-wrap their ‘dogs’.

The mother superior begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, “What part… did you get…?”

dogcostume

#6 – Q: What do dogs have that no other animal has?

A: Puppy dogs.

cleverdachshund

#7 Clever Dachshund

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch.

The dachshund thinks, “OK, I’m in deep trouble now!” Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here.”

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.

“Whew,” says the leopard. “That was close. That dachshund nearly had me.”

Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine.”

Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, “What am I going to do now?” But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet … and, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says…

“Where’s that darn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard.”

funnydog

#8 Talking Beagle

A guy was driving around the back woods of Kentucky and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog for Sale’

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Beagle sitting there. ‘You talk?’ he asks. ‘Yep,’ the Beagle replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says

‘So, what’s your story?’

The Beagle looks up and says, ‘Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services… the United States Marines. You know one of their nicknames is ‘The Devil Dogs.’

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down.

I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.’

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

‘Ten dollars,’ the guy says.

‘Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?’

‘Because he’s such a liar… He never did any of that stuff.

He was in the Navy!’

barkingdog

#9 Q: How do you keep a dog from barking in your front yard?

A: Put it in your back yard!

cooldog

#10 Seeing Eye Dogs

There’s a guy with a Doberman Pincher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pincher says to the guy with the Chihuahua, “Let’s go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.”

The guy with the Chihuahua says, “We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us.”

The guy with the Doberman Pincher says, “Just follow my lead.”

They walk over to the restaurant. The guy with the Doberman Pincher puts on a pair of dark glasses and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, “Sorry man, no pets allowed.”

The guy with the Doberman Pincher says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”

The guy at the door says, “A Doberman Pincher?”

He says, “Yes, they’re using them now, they’re very good.”

The guy at the door says, “Come on in.”

The guy with the Chihuahua figures “What the hell,” so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.

The guy at the door says, “Sorry pal, no pets allowed.”

The guy with the Chihuahua says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”

The guy at the door says, “A Chihuahua?”

He says, “You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?”

dog-frisk

#11 Bad Dog?

It was the end of the day when a policeman was parking his police van in front of the station. As he gathered his equipment, his K-9 partner, Spike, was barking, and he saw a little boy staring at him.

“Is that a dog you got back there?” the boy asked.

“It sure is,” the policeman replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at the office and then towards the back of the van. Finally

the boy asked, “So… What’d he do?”

dogfast

 

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Great Jokes

Blonde jokes – Memories
From the memories of a blonde: The first minutes of pregnancy were just wonderful…

Kitchen light
A blonde tells to another blonde:
– Do you know where the light from the kitchen goes when you turn it off?
– No
The blonde takes another blonde to the fridge and says: HERE.

Stuck in elevator
Once two blondes and a brunette got stuck in the elevator.
One blonde starts to shout:
– Help!!!
The other one:
– Help!!!
A brunette brings in an advice:
– Girls, shout together, it will be louder.
The blondes shout:
– Together!!! Together!!!…

Leaves
A blonde was raking the leaves and fell off the tree.

Waiting
Question: Do you know what a blonde is waiting for at the socket?
Answer: for an e-mail.

Blonde 2 Blonde 3 Blonde 4 Blonde 5
 
Driving in a car
A blonde and a brunette are in a car. Unexpectedly the car stops. The blonde asks:
– What happened?
– We ran out of gas, – answers the brunette.
The blonde replies with a relief:
– Wow, you know so much about cars. If it was me, who was driving, I wouldn’t have known to stop.

Cheating
Two blondes talk. One of them says:
– You know, I have cheated a taxi driver yesterday!!
Another asks:
– How did you do this?
The blonde replies:
– I paid, but I didn’t get in.

Marry
How to make a blonde marry you? Tell her that she’s pregnant…

Real story
Two blondes talk:
– Listen, your hair look likes a wig.
– But it is a wig.
– So cool, and it looks like real hair.

You never know
Two blondes talk:
– Did you know that this time the New Year will be on Friday?
– Really, I hope it won’t be on 13th.

Funny jokes about blondes – In the hospital
A blonde comes to a doctor and complains:
– Doc, please help: when I touch my head – it hurts, when I touch my belly – it hurts, when I touch my leg – it hurts…
Well here’s the problem.  Your finger is broken.

 
Funny blonde jokes – at the edge of a hill
A brunette, a red-haired and a blonde comes to an edge of a hill. The rule is: if you lie, you fall off the hill.
A brunette says: – I think I’m the most beautiful… And she falls off the hill.
A red-haired says: – I think I’m the most clever… And she falls off the hill.
A blonde says: I think… And she falls off the hill.

Funny blonde jokes – Together
Two blondes go into a toilet and they both got locked in.
The first shouts:
– Help, help!
The second one suggests:
– Let’s shout together.
Now they both shout:
– Together, together…

Funny blonde jokes – Occupation
How can you keep a blonde girl interested for hours:
Give her a sheet of paper and write on both sides: “Look on the other side”.

Funny blonde jokes – Driving test
A blonde comes to driving practice test. She gets into the car and immediately the instructor says:
– You have failed.
Blonde:
– But why, I have just got into the car.
Instructor:
– Yes, but you sat on the back seat.

Funny blonde jokes – Swimming
There were three people stranded on an island: a brunette, a redhead and a
blonde. The brunette looked over the water to mainland and estimated about 20
miles to shore. So she announced, “I’m going to try to swim to shore.” So she
swam out 5 miles, and got really tired. She swam out 10 miles from the island,
and she was so tired to go on, so she drowned.

The second one, the redhead said to herself, “I wonder if she made it. I guess it’s better to try to  get to the mainland than stayed here and starve.” So she attempts to swim out.
The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she was so tired to go on, so she drowned.

So the blonde thought to herself, “I wonder if they made it! I think I’d better try to make it, too. “So she swan out 5 miles,10 miles,15 miles, and finally 19 miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, “I’m too tired to go on! “So she swam back.

Funny blonde jokes – A microwave
A blonde went to an appliance store sale and found a bargain. “I would like to buy this TV,” she told the salesman.
“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.
She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, “I would like to buy this TV.”
“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.
“Damn, he recognized me, ” she thought.
She went for a complete disguise this time: a brown curly wig, big baggy clothes, and big sunglasses. Then she waited a few days before she approached the salesman again and said, “I would like to buy this TV.”
“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed, “How do you know I’m a blonde?”
“Because that’s a microwave,” he replied.

Funny blonde jokes – Spots
A blonde went to a doctor and complained, “I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes.”
The physician scratched his head, “Have you seen an ophthalmologist?”
“No,” she said, “just spots.”

Funny blonde jokes – Logics
Two blondes sail with the boat. Suddenly, the hole appeared in the boat. The first blonde starts to panic, and another says: – Do not worry, I’ll make a second hole through which the water will run out

Laugh Your Way With the Best Guilt Joke of the Day


guilty2 guilty3

'What are these for?  You only bring me flowers when you've done something good.'

‘What are these for? You only bring me flowers when you’ve done something good.’

guilty5 guilty6 guilty7 guilty 8 guilty9

'Son, your mother and I don't even recognize you anymore.  You've become some sort of twisted animal.'

‘Son, your mother and I don’t even recognize you anymore. You’ve become some sort of twisted animal.’

Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married,
I hope you are well. Please don’t worry about me. I’m just fine considering I can’t breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother. I’ve sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you’ll spend on my beautiful grandchildren, who I never see. God knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They look anemic in their pictures, poor, thin babies.
Thank you so much for the birthday flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so they’ll stay fresh for my grave.  I know I’ll need them any day.  Which reminds me — we buried Aunt Lucy last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral, so Aunt Minnie and I dug her up and had the services all over again. I would have invited you, but I know that woman you live with would have never let you come. I bet she’s never even watched that videotape of my hemorrhoid surgery, has she? I am still suffering.
Well son, it’s time for me to drag myself to bed now. I lost my cane beating off muggers last week, but don’t you worry about me. I’m also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off and am grateful because the frost on my bed numbs the constant pain. Now don’t you even think about sending any more money, because I know you need it for those expensive family holidays you take every year, though you never come see me. Give my love to my darling grand-babies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is — the one with the black roots who stole you screaming from my bosom.
Love Always, Your poor, old mother

Best Dog Jokes of the Day

 

DogcoPilot

#1 Mrs Green’s Dog & her neighbor

Mrs Green was walking to the post office when her neighbor came up to her and said “Hello Janis, How’s your dog? I saw her yesterday chasing an old man on a bike.”

“Oh” said Mrs Green “That could NOT have been my dog”

“Oh, why not?” replied her neighbor “I’m pretty sure it was her”

“Well” stated Mrs. Green smiling “my dog doesn’t ride a bike”

funnydog

#2 Seeing Eye Dog

A blind man walks in to a department store with his seeing eye dog on a leash.

The store manager behind the customer service counter looks up, notices the customer is blind, and quickly looks away again.

Out of the corner of his eye he sees the blind man start swinging the dog over his head with its leash. S

hocked, the manager runs over and says, “Mister, is there a problem – is there something I can help you with?” The blind man calmly replies, “No thanks – I’m just looking around.”

#3 – Q: What do dogs call frozen poop?

A: Poopsicles

puginchair

#4 Help Wanted

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, that read:

“HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.”

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said, “I can’t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.” The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, “The sign says you have to be good with a computer.”

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, “I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can’t give you the job.”

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, “Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual.”

The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, “Meow.”

hotdog

#5 Two Scottish nuns

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, “I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs.”

“That’s odd,” her companion replies, “but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.”

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. “Two dogs, please,” says one.

The vendor is pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil, and hands them over the counter. Excitedly, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to un-wrap their ‘dogs’.

The mother superior begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, “What part… did you get…?”

dogcostume

#6 – Q: What do dogs have that no other animal has?

A: Puppy dogs.

cleverdachshund

#7 Clever Dachshund

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch.

The dachshund thinks, “OK, I’m in deep trouble now!” Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here.”

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.

“Whew,” says the leopard. “That was close. That dachshund nearly had me.”

Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine.”

Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, “What am I going to do now?” But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet … and, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says…

“Where’s that darn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard.”

funnydog

#8 Talking Beagle

A guy was driving around the back woods of Kentucky and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog for Sale’

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Beagle sitting there. ‘You talk?’ he asks. ‘Yep,’ the Beagle replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says

‘So, what’s your story?’

The Beagle looks up and says, ‘Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services… the United States Marines. You know one of their nicknames is ‘The Devil Dogs.’

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down.

I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.’

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

‘Ten dollars,’ the guy says.

‘Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?’

‘Because he’s such a liar… He never did any of that stuff.

He was in the Navy!’

barkingdog

#9 Q: How do you keep a dog from barking in your front yard?

A: Put it in your back yard!

cooldog

#10 Seeing Eye Dogs

There’s a guy with a Doberman Pincher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pincher says to the guy with the Chihuahua, “Let’s go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.”

The guy with the Chihuahua says, “We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us.”

The guy with the Doberman Pincher says, “Just follow my lead.”

They walk over to the restaurant. The guy with the Doberman Pincher puts on a pair of dark glasses and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, “Sorry man, no pets allowed.”

The guy with the Doberman Pincher says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”

The guy at the door says, “A Doberman Pincher?”

He says, “Yes, they’re using them now, they’re very good.”

The guy at the door says, “Come on in.”

The guy with the Chihuahua figures “What the hell,” so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.

The guy at the door says, “Sorry pal, no pets allowed.”

The guy with the Chihuahua says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”

The guy at the door says, “A Chihuahua?”

He says, “You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?”

dog-frisk

#11 Bad Dog?

It was the end of the day when a policeman was parking his police van in front of the station. As he gathered his equipment, his K-9 partner, Spike, was barking, and he saw a little boy staring at him.

“Is that a dog you got back there?” the boy asked.

“It sure is,” the policeman replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at the office and then towards the back of the van. Finally

the boy asked, “So… What’d he do?”

dogfast

 

 

 

Laugh Your Way With the Best Work Jokes of the Day

coathanger 2coathanger4coathanger3coathanger5coathanger6coathanger 7coathanger8coathanger9coathanger9coathanger10coathanger11Competitive Salary-Paying you less than our competitions.
Join our Fast Paced Team-We expect you to know everything so we don’t train you.
Casual Work Atmosphere-We don’t pay you enough to dress you up
Must be Deadline Oriented-You are 6 months behind on your first day.
Duties Will Vary-Anyone in the Office can boss you around
Must have an eye for detail-We have no quality control

Prison-8’x10’ Cell

Work-6’x8’ Cubicle

Prison-3 meals a day

Work-1 meal and you have to pay for that one

Prison-Guards Unlock and Lock the doors for you

Work-You have to do it yourself

Prison-Friends and Family can visit you

The company’s management team put their heads together to decide how to reduce the high employee turnover rate. “They spend their first six or eight weeks learning our system, then they join another company,” complained one executive. “Yes, but doesn’t that at least speak highly of our training program?” chirped an optimistic colleague.

An ironworker nonchalantly walked the narrow beam fifteen floors above the city sidewalk. Though strong winds were blowing a heavy rain, the worker showed no fear whatever. When he came down to the sidewalk, a man who had been watching him from ground level went over to him and said, “I was really impressed watching you up there. You were so calm. How did you get a job like this?” “Well, as a matter of fact,” replied the ironworker, “I used to drive a school bus, until my nerves gave out

A painter accepted the task of painting a church steeple. He had 10 gallons of white paint. Half way down the steeple he had already used 6.5 gallons. He made sure no one was looking and then diluted the remaining paint with paint thinner.

He finished the job, cleaned his brush and rollers, and looked up to see that there were two distinct colors of white on the steeple.

“Oh, no!” he exclaimed, “What can I do now?”

A clap of thunder roared above him, and a booming voice was heard saying, “Repaint! And stop your thinning!”

A suggestion from a Human Resources Manager:

HOW TO PROPERLY PLACE NEW EMPLOYEES . . .

1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.
4. Then analyze the situation:
a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.
b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.
c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.
d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.
e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.
f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.
h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Management.
k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.
l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.
m. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Congress.

Laugh Your Way With Best Thanksgiving Jokes of the Day

imageimageimageimage

image image image image image image

An industrious farmer was always experimenting with breeding, his mission was to produce the perfect turkey. His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone.

After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store. ‘Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has six legs!’ They all asked the farmer how it tasted.

‘I don’t know, ‘said the farmer, ‘I never could catch one!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Laugh Your Way With Joke of the Day

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Thinking of being thankful while still keeping a funny tone? You can do so and still wish a happy Thanksgiving to your close ones using these famous but yet funny Thanksgiving sayings and phrases.funny thanksgiving turkey

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor. ~ Phyllis Diller

We’re having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing. ~ George Carlin

An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day. ~ Iry Kupcinet

I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Some one needs to tell the turkey, ‘man, just be yourself. ~ Mitch Hedberg

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land. ~ Jon Stewart

The thing I’m most thankful for right now is elastic waistbands. ~Unknown Author

Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before. ~ Rita Rudner

I love Thanksgiving turkey… it’s the only time in Los Angeles that you see natural breasts. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger

Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year. ~ P.J. O’Rourke

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence. ~ Erma Bombeck

Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty. ~ Michael Dresser

I have strong doubts that the first Thanksgiving even remotely resembled the ‘history’ I was told in second grade. But considering that (when it comes to holidays) mainstream America’s traditions tend to be over-eating, shopping, or getting drunk, I suppose it’s a miracle that the concept of giving thanks even surfaces at all. ~ Ellen Orleans

We should look for someone to eat and drink with before looking for something to eat and drink. ~ Epicurus

It’s not the minutes spent at the table that put on weight, it’s the seconds. ~ Unknown Author

Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty. ~ Michael Dresser

My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow. ~ Rita Rudner

What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving? ~ Erma Bombeck

Thanksgiving, man! Not a good day to be my pants. ~ Kevin James

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land. ~ Jon Stewart

Here I am 5 o’clock in the morning stuffing bread crumbs up a dead bird’s butt. ~ Roseanne Barr

Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftovers in aluminium foil and throw them out. ~ Nicole Hollander

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage. ~ Erma Bombeck

A lot of Thanksgiving days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen. ~ Kin Hubbard

Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread and pumpkin pie. ~ Jim Davis

Coexistence… what the farmer does with the turkey – until Thanksgiving ? ~ Mike Connolly

Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread and pumpkin pie. ~ Jim Davis

If you want to save a species, simply decide to eat it. Then it will be managed – like chickens, like turkeys, like deer, like Canadian geese. ~ Ted Nugent

There is no sincerer love than the love of food. ~ George Bernard Shaw

It must be an odd feeling to be thankful to nobody in particular. Christians in public institutions often see this odd thing happening on Thanksgiving Day. Everyone in the institution seems to be thankful ‘in general.’ It’s very strange. It’s a little like being married in general. ~ Cornelius Plantinga, Jr

May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey plump, May your potatoes and gravy. Have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious, And your pies take the prize, And may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs! ~Unknown Author

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Joke of the Day

Irish-Philosop

 

One night, Mrs McMillen answers the door to see her husbands best friend, Paddy, standing on the doorstep.

“Hello Paddy, but where is my husband? He went with you to the beer factory”

Paddy shook his head. “Ah Mrs McMillen, there was a terrible accident at the beer factory, your husband fell into a vat of Guinness stout and drowned”

Mrs McMillen starts crying. “Oh don’t tell me that, did he at least go quickly?”

Paddy shakes his head. “Not really – he got out 3 times to pee!”

An Irishman was flustered not being able to find a parking space in a large mall’s parking lot.

“Lord,”he prayed,”I can’t stand this.If you open a space up for me,I swear I’ll give up drinking me whiskey, and I promise to go to church every Sunday.”

Suddenly, the clouds parted and the sun shone on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man said,”Never mind,I found one.”

Two paddies were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn’t understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, “I’m impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don’t get it – why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?”

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, “Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we’re normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick.'”

irish pub

Source: NewsComAu

What’s the difference between God and Bono?
God doesn’t wander around Dublin thinking he’s Bono.

Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.
Paddy says, “Are you on foot or in the car?”
Billy says, “In the car.”
Paddy says, “That’s the quickest way.”

Paddy and Mick are walking down the road and Paddy’s got a bag of doughnuts in his hand.
Paddy says to Mick, “If you can guess how many doughnuts are in my bag, you can have them both”

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?”, asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”

The Irishman replies, “Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first”.

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”

“Just water,” says the priest.

The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”

The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.

“Did you see the paper?” asked Gallagher. “They say I died!!”

“Yes, I saw it!” replied Finney. “Where are ye callin’ from?”

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, “Do you want to go to heaven?”

The man said, “I do Father.”

The priest said, “Then stand over there against the wall.” Then the priest asked the second man, “Do you want to go to heaven?”

“Certainly, Father,” was the man’s reply.

“Then stand over there against the wall,” said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and said, “Do you want to go to heaven?”

O’Toole said, “No, I don’t Father.

The priest said, “I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?”

O’Toole said, “Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go on a trip right now.”Irish 2

'Celebrating St Patrick's Day??? No, no, we're big Dr Seuss fans.'

‘Celebrating St Patrick’s Day??? No, no, we’re big Dr Seuss fans.’

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