Paint Job

A woman calls a Contractor to her house to give her a bid on painting the interior of her house. She takes him into the first room and tells him that she wants it painted pale green. The contractor writes something down on his notepad, goes over to the window and yells down “green side up”. The homeowner takes him into the next room and tells him that she would like it painted rose colored. The contractor again notes it on his note pad, goes over to the window and opens it. He then yells down “green side up”. The woman was curious, but continued to show him the rest of the house. In each room the contractor notes her color choice on his notepad and yells out the window “green side up”. When the homeowner had completed the tour, she asked the contractor why he always yelled “green side up” when she told him her color choice, when the colors were all different. He laughed and replied I have a crew of blondes across the street laying sod.

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Real Grilling

Joe and his wife were working in their garden one day when looks over at Betty and says: “Your butt is really big, I mean really big! I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue.” With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his Betty was working and measured her bottom. “Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!!” Betty chooses to ignore Joe. Later that night in bed, he is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. “What’s wrong?” he asks. Betty answers: “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?”

Can’t Be Sure

Bob was driving home on a moonlit night. As he rounded the curve in the darkness on a quiet road, flashing lights, flares, and police officers came in view beside an overturned car. When he tried to pull over, the officer tried wave to wave him on.

“Move on, Buddy. No rubbernecking,” said the officer.

“But officer, that looks just like my my buddy Joe’s car.” answered Bob.

“”Oh yeah, “ said the officer. “

Then you might be able to help us out. We haven’t found an ID yet, but I have to warn you, the guy is dead. It’s actually worse than that. He’s decapitated. You need to think about it first. It might be too much for you.”

Bob was horrified, but didn’t want to look unmanly in front of the officers. “I can do this,” he thought.

Screwing up his courage, he replied. “I’m ready. Take me over.”

The officer led him a short distance away where a bloody body had been thrown from the car and piled into a tree. In the dark, some distance away lay a head. The officer asked, “ Is this your friend?”

Bob took a long look.”Well, that’s the way Joe had his hair cut.” Taking a closer look, he said, “and Joe’s got a gold tooth like that with a star in it, but I still can’t be sure.”

Picking up the head, he held it up in the moonlight to get a better look. “It sure looks like Joe, but I don’t remember him being this tall.”

Nurse Jokes

A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.

A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar. The nurse sits down and says, “I’ll have a Bloody Mary!” The doctor says, “Give me a rum and coke!” The anti-vaxver says, “No shots for me.”

The nurse told the new parents of a newborn. “You have a cute baby.” The smiling husband said, “I bet you say that to all the parents.” “No,” she replied, “just to those whose babies really are good-looking.” The husband again asked, “So what do you say to the others?”

“He looks just like you.”

Looking for Jesus

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the River.

He staggered into the water and stood next to the Preacher.
The minister noticed the old drunk and says, “Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?”
The drunk looks back and says, “Yes, Preacher… I sure am.”
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right backup. “Have you found Jesus?” the preacher asked.
“No, I didn’t!” said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, “Now, brother, have you found Jesus?”
“No, I did not, Preacher?”
The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, “My God man,have you found Jesus yet?”
The old drunk wipes his eyes and asks the preacher… “Are you sure this is where he fell in?”

So Much to Live For

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said “Stop! Don’t do it!”

“Why shouldn’t I?” he said.

I said, “Well, there’s so much to live for!”

“Like what?”

“Well … are you religious or atheist?”

“Religious.”

“Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?”

“Christian.”

“Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?”

“Protestant.”

“Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?”

“Baptist.”

“Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?”

“Baptist Church of God.”

“Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?”

“Reformed Baptist Church of God.”

“Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?”

“Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!”

To which I said, “Die, heretic scum!” and pushed him off”

Ewwwww!

Koi fish travel in schools of four for safety. When attacked by predators, koi A, B, and C flee together in one direction. Sadly, the last is the D-koi.

There were four Los Angelos Rams riding in a car. Who’s driving?

The police

Changing My Religion

Joe and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Joe doesn’t hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It’s Irv. ‘So there is an afterlife! What’s it like?’ Joe asks. ‘Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back to sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex, take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep and wake up the next day.’ ‘Oh, my God,’ says Joe says. “So that’s what heaven is like?’ ‘Oh no,’ says Irv. ‘I’m not in heaven. I’m a bear in Yellowstone Park.’

Dodged a Bullet

Jasper wakes up with a killer hangover and a throbbing black eye. The first thing he sees is a single rose on the side table and a note from his wife: “Darling, breakfast is on the table. I’ve gone shopping to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you!”

He staggers to the kitchen and, sure enough, there’s breakfast. “Mike.”he says to his son, “what happened last night?”

“You came home pickled and got that black eye tripping over a chair.”

“So, why the rose, breakfast, and sweet note from your mother?”

“Oh, that. Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take off your clothes, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone, I’m married!’”