Joke of the Day

A blonde was waiting for her bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn’t!

So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.

So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time a big burly man that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned to the would-be hero screeching at him “How dare you touch me!! I don’t even know who you are!”

At this, the big guy drawled, “Well ma’am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends!”

Louisiana Blonde Joke

Bible BloneThe couple started discussing pronunciation as they were approaching Natchitoches, Louisiana in their travels.  The wife asked a blonde girl in the restaurant, “Can you tell me the name of this place and please pronounce it slowly for me?  I’m not from around here.

“Sure, it’s Burger King.  Burrr……Gerrr…….King!”

Best Dog Jokes of the Day

 

DogcoPilot

#1 Mrs Green’s Dog & her neighbor

Mrs Green was walking to the post office when her neighbor came up to her and said “Hello Janis, How’s your dog? I saw her yesterday chasing an old man on a bike.”

“Oh” said Mrs Green “That could NOT have been my dog”

“Oh, why not?” replied her neighbor “I’m pretty sure it was her”

“Well” stated Mrs. Green smiling “my dog doesn’t ride a bike”

funnydog

#2 Seeing Eye Dog

A blind man walks in to a department store with his seeing eye dog on a leash.

The store manager behind the customer service counter looks up, notices the customer is blind, and quickly looks away again.

Out of the corner of his eye he sees the blind man start swinging the dog over his head with its leash. S

hocked, the manager runs over and says, “Mister, is there a problem – is there something I can help you with?” The blind man calmly replies, “No thanks – I’m just looking around.”

#3 – Q: What do dogs call frozen poop?

A: Poopsicles

puginchair

#4 Help Wanted

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, that read:

“HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.”

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said, “I can’t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.” The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, “The sign says you have to be good with a computer.”

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, “I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can’t give you the job.”

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, “Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual.”

The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, “Meow.”

hotdog

#5 Two Scottish nuns

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, “I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs.”

“That’s odd,” her companion replies, “but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.”

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. “Two dogs, please,” says one.

The vendor is pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil, and hands them over the counter. Excitedly, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to un-wrap their ‘dogs’.

The mother superior begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, “What part… did you get…?”

dogcostume

#6 – Q: What do dogs have that no other animal has?

A: Puppy dogs.

cleverdachshund

#7 Clever Dachshund

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch.

The dachshund thinks, “OK, I’m in deep trouble now!” Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here.”

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.

“Whew,” says the leopard. “That was close. That dachshund nearly had me.”

Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine.”

Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, “What am I going to do now?” But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet … and, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says…

“Where’s that darn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard.”

funnydog

#8 Talking Beagle

A guy was driving around the back woods of Kentucky and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog for Sale’

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Beagle sitting there. ‘You talk?’ he asks. ‘Yep,’ the Beagle replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says

‘So, what’s your story?’

The Beagle looks up and says, ‘Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services… the United States Marines. You know one of their nicknames is ‘The Devil Dogs.’

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down.

I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.’

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

‘Ten dollars,’ the guy says.

‘Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?’

‘Because he’s such a liar… He never did any of that stuff.

He was in the Navy!’

barkingdog

#9 Q: How do you keep a dog from barking in your front yard?

A: Put it in your back yard!

cooldog

#10 Seeing Eye Dogs

There’s a guy with a Doberman Pincher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pincher says to the guy with the Chihuahua, “Let’s go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.”

The guy with the Chihuahua says, “We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us.”

The guy with the Doberman Pincher says, “Just follow my lead.”

They walk over to the restaurant. The guy with the Doberman Pincher puts on a pair of dark glasses and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, “Sorry man, no pets allowed.”

The guy with the Doberman Pincher says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”

The guy at the door says, “A Doberman Pincher?”

He says, “Yes, they’re using them now, they’re very good.”

The guy at the door says, “Come on in.”

The guy with the Chihuahua figures “What the hell,” so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.

The guy at the door says, “Sorry pal, no pets allowed.”

The guy with the Chihuahua says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”

The guy at the door says, “A Chihuahua?”

He says, “You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?”

dog-frisk

#11 Bad Dog?

It was the end of the day when a policeman was parking his police van in front of the station. As he gathered his equipment, his K-9 partner, Spike, was barking, and he saw a little boy staring at him.

“Is that a dog you got back there?” the boy asked.

“It sure is,” the policeman replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at the office and then towards the back of the van. Finally

the boy asked, “So… What’d he do?”

dogfast

 

Best Dog Jokes of the Day

 

DogcoPilot

#1 Mrs Green’s Dog & her neighbor

Mrs Green was walking to the post office when her neighbor came up to her and said “Hello Janis, How’s your dog? I saw her yesterday chasing an old man on a bike.”

“Oh” said Mrs Green “That could NOT have been my dog”

“Oh, why not?” replied her neighbor “I’m pretty sure it was her”

“Well” stated Mrs. Green smiling “my dog doesn’t ride a bike”

funnydog

#2 Seeing Eye Dog

A blind man walks in to a department store with his seeing eye dog on a leash.

The store manager behind the customer service counter looks up, notices the customer is blind, and quickly looks away again.

Out of the corner of his eye he sees the blind man start swinging the dog over his head with its leash. S

hocked, the manager runs over and says, “Mister, is there a problem – is there something I can help you with?” The blind man calmly replies, “No thanks – I’m just looking around.”

#3 – Q: What do dogs call frozen poop?

A: Poopsicles

puginchair

#4 Help Wanted

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, that read:

“HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.”

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said, “I can’t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.” The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, “The sign says you have to be good with a computer.”

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, “I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can’t give you the job.”

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, “Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual.”

The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, “Meow.”

hotdog

#5 Two Scottish nuns

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, “I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs.”

“That’s odd,” her companion replies, “but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.”

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. “Two dogs, please,” says one.

The vendor is pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil, and hands them over the counter. Excitedly, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to un-wrap their ‘dogs’.

The mother superior begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, “What part… did you get…?”

dogcostume

#6 – Q: What do dogs have that no other animal has?

A: Puppy dogs.

cleverdachshund

#7 Clever Dachshund

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch.

The dachshund thinks, “OK, I’m in deep trouble now!” Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here.”

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.

“Whew,” says the leopard. “That was close. That dachshund nearly had me.”

Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine.”

Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, “What am I going to do now?” But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet … and, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says…

“Where’s that darn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard.”

funnydog

#8 Talking Beagle

A guy was driving around the back woods of Kentucky and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog for Sale’

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Beagle sitting there. ‘You talk?’ he asks. ‘Yep,’ the Beagle replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says

‘So, what’s your story?’

The Beagle looks up and says, ‘Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services… the United States Marines. You know one of their nicknames is ‘The Devil Dogs.’

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down.

I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.’

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

‘Ten dollars,’ the guy says.

‘Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?’

‘Because he’s such a liar… He never did any of that stuff.

He was in the Navy!’

barkingdog

#9 Q: How do you keep a dog from barking in your front yard?

A: Put it in your back yard!

cooldog

#10 Seeing Eye Dogs

There’s a guy with a Doberman Pincher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pincher says to the guy with the Chihuahua, “Let’s go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.”

The guy with the Chihuahua says, “We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us.”

The guy with the Doberman Pincher says, “Just follow my lead.”

They walk over to the restaurant. The guy with the Doberman Pincher puts on a pair of dark glasses and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, “Sorry man, no pets allowed.”

The guy with the Doberman Pincher says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”

The guy at the door says, “A Doberman Pincher?”

He says, “Yes, they’re using them now, they’re very good.”

The guy at the door says, “Come on in.”

The guy with the Chihuahua figures “What the hell,” so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.

The guy at the door says, “Sorry pal, no pets allowed.”

The guy with the Chihuahua says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”

The guy at the door says, “A Chihuahua?”

He says, “You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?”

dog-frisk

#11 Bad Dog?

It was the end of the day when a policeman was parking his police van in front of the station. As he gathered his equipment, his K-9 partner, Spike, was barking, and he saw a little boy staring at him.

“Is that a dog you got back there?” the boy asked.

“It sure is,” the policeman replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at the office and then towards the back of the van. Finally

the boy asked, “So… What’d he do?”

dogfast

 

Great Jokes

Blonde jokes – Memories
From the memories of a blonde: The first minutes of pregnancy were just wonderful…

Kitchen light
A blonde tells to another blonde:
– Do you know where the light from the kitchen goes when you turn it off?
– No
The blonde takes another blonde to the fridge and says: HERE.

Stuck in elevator
Once two blondes and a brunette got stuck in the elevator.
One blonde starts to shout:
– Help!!!
The other one:
– Help!!!
A brunette brings in an advice:
– Girls, shout together, it will be louder.
The blondes shout:
– Together!!! Together!!!…

Leaves
A blonde was raking the leaves and fell off the tree.

Waiting
Question: Do you know what a blonde is waiting for at the socket?
Answer: for an e-mail.

Blonde 2 Blonde 3 Blonde 4 Blonde 5
 
Driving in a car
A blonde and a brunette are in a car. Unexpectedly the car stops. The blonde asks:
– What happened?
– We ran out of gas, – answers the brunette.
The blonde replies with a relief:
– Wow, you know so much about cars. If it was me, who was driving, I wouldn’t have known to stop.

Cheating
Two blondes talk. One of them says:
– You know, I have cheated a taxi driver yesterday!!
Another asks:
– How did you do this?
The blonde replies:
– I paid, but I didn’t get in.

Marry
How to make a blonde marry you? Tell her that she’s pregnant…

Real story
Two blondes talk:
– Listen, your hair look likes a wig.
– But it is a wig.
– So cool, and it looks like real hair.

You never know
Two blondes talk:
– Did you know that this time the New Year will be on Friday?
– Really, I hope it won’t be on 13th.

Funny jokes about blondes – In the hospital
A blonde comes to a doctor and complains:
– Doc, please help: when I touch my head – it hurts, when I touch my belly – it hurts, when I touch my leg – it hurts…
Well here’s the problem.  Your finger is broken.

 
Funny blonde jokes – at the edge of a hill
A brunette, a red-haired and a blonde comes to an edge of a hill. The rule is: if you lie, you fall off the hill.
A brunette says: – I think I’m the most beautiful… And she falls off the hill.
A red-haired says: – I think I’m the most clever… And she falls off the hill.
A blonde says: I think… And she falls off the hill.

Funny blonde jokes – Together
Two blondes go into a toilet and they both got locked in.
The first shouts:
– Help, help!
The second one suggests:
– Let’s shout together.
Now they both shout:
– Together, together…

Funny blonde jokes – Occupation
How can you keep a blonde girl interested for hours:
Give her a sheet of paper and write on both sides: “Look on the other side”.

Funny blonde jokes – Driving test
A blonde comes to driving practice test. She gets into the car and immediately the instructor says:
– You have failed.
Blonde:
– But why, I have just got into the car.
Instructor:
– Yes, but you sat on the back seat.

Funny blonde jokes – Swimming
There were three people stranded on an island: a brunette, a redhead and a
blonde. The brunette looked over the water to mainland and estimated about 20
miles to shore. So she announced, “I’m going to try to swim to shore.” So she
swam out 5 miles, and got really tired. She swam out 10 miles from the island,
and she was so tired to go on, so she drowned.

The second one, the redhead said to herself, “I wonder if she made it. I guess it’s better to try to  get to the mainland than stayed here and starve.” So she attempts to swim out.
The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she was so tired to go on, so she drowned.

So the blonde thought to herself, “I wonder if they made it! I think I’d better try to make it, too. “So she swan out 5 miles,10 miles,15 miles, and finally 19 miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, “I’m too tired to go on! “So she swam back.

Funny blonde jokes – A microwave
A blonde went to an appliance store sale and found a bargain. “I would like to buy this TV,” she told the salesman.
“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.
She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, “I would like to buy this TV.”
“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.
“Damn, he recognized me, ” she thought.
She went for a complete disguise this time: a brown curly wig, big baggy clothes, and big sunglasses. Then she waited a few days before she approached the salesman again and said, “I would like to buy this TV.”
“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed, “How do you know I’m a blonde?”
“Because that’s a microwave,” he replied.

Funny blonde jokes – Spots
A blonde went to a doctor and complained, “I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes.”
The physician scratched his head, “Have you seen an ophthalmologist?”
“No,” she said, “just spots.”

Funny blonde jokes – Logics
Two blondes sail with the boat. Suddenly, the hole appeared in the boat. The first blonde starts to panic, and another says: – Do not worry, I’ll make a second hole through which the water will run out

Laugh Your Way With the Best Guilt Joke of the Day


guilty2 guilty3

'What are these for?  You only bring me flowers when you've done something good.'

‘What are these for? You only bring me flowers when you’ve done something good.’

guilty5 guilty6 guilty7 guilty 8 guilty9

'Son, your mother and I don't even recognize you anymore.  You've become some sort of twisted animal.'

‘Son, your mother and I don’t even recognize you anymore. You’ve become some sort of twisted animal.’

Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married,
I hope you are well. Please don’t worry about me. I’m just fine considering I can’t breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother. I’ve sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you’ll spend on my beautiful grandchildren, who I never see. God knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They look anemic in their pictures, poor, thin babies.
Thank you so much for the birthday flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so they’ll stay fresh for my grave.  I know I’ll need them any day.  Which reminds me — we buried Aunt Lucy last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral, so Aunt Minnie and I dug her up and had the services all over again. I would have invited you, but I know that woman you live with would have never let you come. I bet she’s never even watched that videotape of my hemorrhoid surgery, has she? I am still suffering.
Well son, it’s time for me to drag myself to bed now. I lost my cane beating off muggers last week, but don’t you worry about me. I’m also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off and am grateful because the frost on my bed numbs the constant pain. Now don’t you even think about sending any more money, because I know you need it for those expensive family holidays you take every year, though you never come see me. Give my love to my darling grand-babies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is — the one with the black roots who stole you screaming from my bosom.
Love Always, Your poor, old mother

Best Dog Jokes of the Day

 

DogcoPilot

#1 Mrs Green’s Dog & her neighbor

Mrs Green was walking to the post office when her neighbor came up to her and said “Hello Janis, How’s your dog? I saw her yesterday chasing an old man on a bike.”

“Oh” said Mrs Green “That could NOT have been my dog”

“Oh, why not?” replied her neighbor “I’m pretty sure it was her”

“Well” stated Mrs. Green smiling “my dog doesn’t ride a bike”

funnydog

#2 Seeing Eye Dog

A blind man walks in to a department store with his seeing eye dog on a leash.

The store manager behind the customer service counter looks up, notices the customer is blind, and quickly looks away again.

Out of the corner of his eye he sees the blind man start swinging the dog over his head with its leash. S

hocked, the manager runs over and says, “Mister, is there a problem – is there something I can help you with?” The blind man calmly replies, “No thanks – I’m just looking around.”

#3 – Q: What do dogs call frozen poop?

A: Poopsicles

puginchair

#4 Help Wanted

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, that read:

“HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.”

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said, “I can’t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.” The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, “The sign says you have to be good with a computer.”

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, “I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can’t give you the job.”

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, “Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual.”

The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, “Meow.”

hotdog

#5 Two Scottish nuns

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, “I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs.”

“That’s odd,” her companion replies, “but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.”

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. “Two dogs, please,” says one.

The vendor is pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil, and hands them over the counter. Excitedly, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to un-wrap their ‘dogs’.

The mother superior begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, “What part… did you get…?”

dogcostume

#6 – Q: What do dogs have that no other animal has?

A: Puppy dogs.

cleverdachshund

#7 Clever Dachshund

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch.

The dachshund thinks, “OK, I’m in deep trouble now!” Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here.”

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.

“Whew,” says the leopard. “That was close. That dachshund nearly had me.”

Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine.”

Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, “What am I going to do now?” But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet … and, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says…

“Where’s that darn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard.”

funnydog

#8 Talking Beagle

A guy was driving around the back woods of Kentucky and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog for Sale’

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Beagle sitting there. ‘You talk?’ he asks. ‘Yep,’ the Beagle replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says

‘So, what’s your story?’

The Beagle looks up and says, ‘Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services… the United States Marines. You know one of their nicknames is ‘The Devil Dogs.’

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down.

I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.’

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

‘Ten dollars,’ the guy says.

‘Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?’

‘Because he’s such a liar… He never did any of that stuff.

He was in the Navy!’

barkingdog

#9 Q: How do you keep a dog from barking in your front yard?

A: Put it in your back yard!

cooldog

#10 Seeing Eye Dogs

There’s a guy with a Doberman Pincher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pincher says to the guy with the Chihuahua, “Let’s go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.”

The guy with the Chihuahua says, “We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us.”

The guy with the Doberman Pincher says, “Just follow my lead.”

They walk over to the restaurant. The guy with the Doberman Pincher puts on a pair of dark glasses and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, “Sorry man, no pets allowed.”

The guy with the Doberman Pincher says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”

The guy at the door says, “A Doberman Pincher?”

He says, “Yes, they’re using them now, they’re very good.”

The guy at the door says, “Come on in.”

The guy with the Chihuahua figures “What the hell,” so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.

The guy at the door says, “Sorry pal, no pets allowed.”

The guy with the Chihuahua says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”

The guy at the door says, “A Chihuahua?”

He says, “You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?”

dog-frisk

#11 Bad Dog?

It was the end of the day when a policeman was parking his police van in front of the station. As he gathered his equipment, his K-9 partner, Spike, was barking, and he saw a little boy staring at him.

“Is that a dog you got back there?” the boy asked.

“It sure is,” the policeman replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at the office and then towards the back of the van. Finally

the boy asked, “So… What’d he do?”

dogfast

 

 

 

Laugh Your Way With the Best Work Jokes of the Day

coathanger 2coathanger4coathanger3coathanger5coathanger6coathanger 7coathanger8coathanger9coathanger9coathanger10coathanger11Competitive Salary-Paying you less than our competitions.
Join our Fast Paced Team-We expect you to know everything so we don’t train you.
Casual Work Atmosphere-We don’t pay you enough to dress you up
Must be Deadline Oriented-You are 6 months behind on your first day.
Duties Will Vary-Anyone in the Office can boss you around
Must have an eye for detail-We have no quality control

Prison-8’x10’ Cell

Work-6’x8’ Cubicle

Prison-3 meals a day

Work-1 meal and you have to pay for that one

Prison-Guards Unlock and Lock the doors for you

Work-You have to do it yourself

Prison-Friends and Family can visit you

The company’s management team put their heads together to decide how to reduce the high employee turnover rate. “They spend their first six or eight weeks learning our system, then they join another company,” complained one executive. “Yes, but doesn’t that at least speak highly of our training program?” chirped an optimistic colleague.

An ironworker nonchalantly walked the narrow beam fifteen floors above the city sidewalk. Though strong winds were blowing a heavy rain, the worker showed no fear whatever. When he came down to the sidewalk, a man who had been watching him from ground level went over to him and said, “I was really impressed watching you up there. You were so calm. How did you get a job like this?” “Well, as a matter of fact,” replied the ironworker, “I used to drive a school bus, until my nerves gave out

A painter accepted the task of painting a church steeple. He had 10 gallons of white paint. Half way down the steeple he had already used 6.5 gallons. He made sure no one was looking and then diluted the remaining paint with paint thinner.

He finished the job, cleaned his brush and rollers, and looked up to see that there were two distinct colors of white on the steeple.

“Oh, no!” he exclaimed, “What can I do now?”

A clap of thunder roared above him, and a booming voice was heard saying, “Repaint! And stop your thinning!”

A suggestion from a Human Resources Manager:

HOW TO PROPERLY PLACE NEW EMPLOYEES . . .

1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.
4. Then analyze the situation:
a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.
b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.
c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.
d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.
e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.
f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.
h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Management.
k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.
l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.
m. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Congress.

Laugh Your Way With Best Thanksgiving Jokes of the Day

imageimageimageimage

image image image image image image

An industrious farmer was always experimenting with breeding, his mission was to produce the perfect turkey. His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone.

After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store. ‘Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has six legs!’ They all asked the farmer how it tasted.

‘I don’t know, ‘said the farmer, ‘I never could catch one!”