Bob, aged 92, and Mary, aged 89, decided to get married. While out for a stroll to discuss the wedding, they stopped in at a pharmacy.
Bob asked to speak to the pharmacist. He explained they’re about to get married, and asked, “Do you sell heart medication?”
“Of course we do,” the pharmacist replied.
“Medicine for constipation?”
“Definitely,” he said.
“How about Viagra?”
Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?”
“Yes, the works.”
“What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antacids?”
“Do you sell canes, braces, wheelchairs and walkers?”
“All speeds and sizes.”
“Good,” Bob said to the pharmacist.
”We need to sign up for our wedding registry.”
The drunk was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, “I’ve got to take you in, sir. You’re obviously drunk” The drunk asked, “Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I’m drunk?” “Yeah, buddy, I’m sure,” said the copper. “Let’s go.” Obviously relieved, the wino said “That’s a relief – I thought I was a cripple.”
Dad was trying to teach Sonny the perils of alcohol. He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived, while the one in whiskey curled up and died. “All right, son.” asked Dad, “what does that show you?” “Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms.”
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. He had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.
As they were walking through the barn, during the inspection, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.
Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, “The women would say, ‘What a terrible tragedy’ and I would nod my head and say, ‘Yes, it was.’ The men would then ask, ‘Can I borrow that mule?’ and I would shake my head and say, ‘Can’t. It’s all booked up for a year.'”
A New York City yuppie moved to the country and bought a piece of land. He went to the local feed and livestock store and talked to the proprietor and asked to buy one hundred chicks.
“That’s a lot of chicks,” commented the proprietor. “I mean business,” the city slicker replied.
A week later the yuppie was back again. “I need another hundred chicks,” he said. “Boy, you are serious about this chicken farming,” the man told him.
“Yeah,” the yuppie replied. “If I can iron out a few problems.” “Problems?” asked the proprietor. “Yeah,” replied the yuppie, “I think I planted that last batch too close together.”
Poor Uncle Joe was dying. No doubt about it. He’d been in bed for days, getting weaker and weaker. Family “sat” with him around the clock. Cousin Frank who’d been sitting for hours, finally just had to slip out to the bathroom. Uncle Joe opened his eyes for the first time in days. He smelled apple pie. He was hungry!! He just had to have some pie.
“Sally. Sally” No answer. That pie was calling him. With his last strength, he slid out of bed, so weak he melted to the floor. Creeping on hands and knees, he finally made it down the long hall to the kitchen. As he pulled up to the table and reached for the pie, Aunt Sally turned and smacked his hand, “Leave that alone, you old goat! That’s for the funeral!”
Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs!
What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!
What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows!
Read more at: https://inews.co.uk/light-relief/humour/best-bad-jokes/
Hey did the Eskimo do his laundry in Tide?
Because it was too cold out Tide.
The young folks invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.
“Goat,” the little boy replied.
“Goat?” replied the startled minister, “Are you sure about that?”
“Sure. I heard Dad tell Mom. “I guess we might as well have that old goat for dinner today.”
The minister dies and the congregation decides, after some time, that his widow, should marry again. Since it is a small village the only available candidate is the local butcher. Although very reluctantly, since she was used to living with a bible scholar, she accepts.
After the marriage, on Friday night just after taking a bath – the new husband tells his wife, “Look, my mother always said that before the beginning of the weekend it was a blessing to have sex.”
They do it and then on Saturday he tells her, “According to my father it is a blessing to have sex during the day before the Sabbath.
There they go again and when it is time to go to sleep he tells her, “My grandfather told me that one should always have sex on Sabbath night.”
Finally they go to sleep and when they wake up the next morning he tells her, “My aunt says that a Christian man always starts the Sabbath by having sex. So lets do it.”
Finally on Monday she goes out to the market and meets a friend that asks her, “So how is the new husband?”
“Well, an intellectual he isn’t, but he comes from a wonderful family.”
34 → Joke