More Pig Jokes

A man is driving down a deserted country road when he has a blowout. Not having a spare he finally finds a house and asks the lady if he can use her phone to call for a tow-truck. As she opens the door for him to come in, a Three Legged Pig runs out.  He asks “why does that Pig only have three legs?” She says that they had a fire and the pig woke everybody up and then went back and brought the dog out. He said “but why does the Pig only have three legs?”  She said well another time my son was playing on the ice and it broke and he fell in and the Pig ran to the barn and got a rope and saved him. Again he asked “why does the Pig only have three legs?” After all the Pig did for us, it didn’t seem right to e

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/animaljokes/threeleggedpigjoke.html

Q: What do you call a pig thief? A: A hamburglar.

Q: How do pigs write top secret messages? A: With invisible oink!

Q: What do you get when you play Tug-of-War with a pig? A: Pulled-Pork

Q: What is a pig’s favorite color? A: Mahogany!

Q: What do you get when you cross a frog and a pig? A: A lifetime ban from the Muppet Show studio.

Q: What do you call a pig with no legs? A: A groundhog. Q: Why was the pig ejected from the football game? A: For playing dirty.

Q: Why did the pig cross the road? A: He got BOARed.

Q: What do you call a pig with laryngitis? A: Disgruntled.

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/animaljokes/pigjokes.html

 

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Pig Jokes


 

Q: Who is the smartest pig in the world?
A: Ein-swine

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/animaljokes/pigjokes.html

 


 

Q: How do you take a sick pig to the hospital?
A: In an hambulance!

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/animaljokes/pigjokes.html

 

 

Q: What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A:  Piiig!

source: http://mypigmeup.com/2014/05/19/more-funny-pig-jokes-and-riddles/

 


 

A city child came running into the farmhouse. “No wonder that mama pig is so big,” she yelled. “There’s a bunch of little pigs out there blowing her up!”

Sunday Jokes



The telephone rang. “Hello! Is your phone number 444-4444?”
“Yes, it is.”
“Thank Goodness! Please call 911 for me? I super-glued my finger to the phone.”
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'” and he left. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn’t work out; could you get a divorce in heaven? After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. “Yes,” he informed the couple, “You can get married in Heaven.” “Great!” said the couple, “But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?” St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. “What’s wrong?” asked the frightened couple. “OH, COME ON!,” St. Peter shouted, “It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer?”

 

 

Rudy to the Rescue

Farmer Brown had dozens of hens, but no rooster, so he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster for sale.  The other farmer says, “Yeah, I’ve this great rooster, named Rudy. He’ll service every chicken you got, no problem.” Well, Rudy the rooster costs a lot of money, but, farmer decides he’d be worth it. So, he buys him and takes the rooster home. He then sets him down in the barnyard and gives the rooster a pep talk, “Rudy, I want you to pace yourself now. You’ve got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I’ll need you to do a good job. “So, take your time and have some fun,” the farmer ended with a chuckle.

Rudy seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and Rudy took off like a shot. WHAM! He nails every hen in the hen house three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Rudy is in there. Later, the farmer sees Him after the flock of geese down by the lake. Once again, WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Rudy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught — worried that his expensive rooster won’t even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Rudy  dead as a doorknob — stone cold in the middle of the yard and buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, “Oh, Rudy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you’ve done to yourself.” Rudy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, “SHHHH, they’re getting closer…”

Fireman Funnies

A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little boy standing nearby with his little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. The boy is wearing a fireman’s hat and has the wagon tied to a dog.

The fireman says “Hey little boy. What are you doing?” The little boy says “I’m a fireman and this is my fire truck!” The fireman walks over to take a closer look. “Little boy that sure is a nice fire truck!” the fireman says.

“Thanks mister”, says the little boy. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little boy has tied the dog to the wagon by its testicles.

“Little boy”, says the fireman, “I don’t want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog’s neck I think you could go faster.”

The little boy says, “You’re probably right mister, but then I wouldn’t have a siren!”

 

 

A fireman had two sons.  What did he name them?

Hosea and Hoseb

 

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around.

After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, “All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!”

As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered the firemen to strengthen their attack on the blaze. After two more hours of attacking the fire, the president of the company offered $100,000 to the engine company that could bring out the company’s secret files.

From the distance a long siren was heard and another fire truck came into sight. It was a local volunteer fire company composed entirely of senior citizens.  To everyone’s amazement the little fire engine raced through the gates straight into the middle of the inferno. In the distance the other firemen watched as the old-timers hopped off of their rig and fought the fire with an effort that they had never seen before.

After an hour of intense fighting the  old volunteer company extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. Joyous, the chemical company president announced that he would double the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each  volunteer.

Afterward, the president asked the seniors what they intended to do with the reward money. The fire truck driver looked him right in the eye and said, “The first thing we’re going to do is fix the dang brakes on that truck!”

 

Thank you firefighters!

 

 

Be Careful What You Wish For

A man walks into a bar and notices his friend sitting alone staring at a tiny man on the table playing the piano.
“Wow, look how small he is, where did you get him?!” Says the man.
“Oh, well there’s this genie round the back of bar, and he grants you whatever wish you want.”
Sure enough, the man goes round the back of the bar and there sits a genie.
“You grant wishes right?”
“Yes.” replies the genie.
“Hmm, I’d like a million bucks.”
Then, out of nowhere, a million ducks appear, and waddle behind the annoyed man as he goes back into the bar.
“Look, that genie gave me ducks instead of bucks!”
His friends sitting at the table replies,
“Well yeah, do you really think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?”

Smart Girl

Three women go to Mexico to celebrate college graduation. They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning – though none of them can remember what they did the night before. The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, “I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.” They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her. The second, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. “I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.” They switch is thrown and nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her. The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, ya’ll ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this t

Not So Great, After All

One of my followers sent me this and said I could post it.  Thanks Dave Lewis.

Three old men got together every morning for a coffee and a chat and this one day the subject was bowel movements. The first old man was worried that he hadn’t gone in three days. The second said he needed an enema once a week but the third said he went regular every morning at six. That’s great the other two said. No it isn’t he said cause I don’t get up till nine!

Fishing Joke

A couple visited a fishing resort. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; his wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a nap. The wife couldn’t stand the snoring and decided to take the boat out. Since she was not familiar with the lake, she rowed out to the middle, anchored the boat, and started reading.m Along came the game warden in his boat. He pulled up alongside and said, “Good morning, ma’am. What are you doing here?” “Reading,” she replied, thinking, “Is this guy blind or what?” “You’re in a restricted fishing area,” he informed her. “But, Officer, I’m not fishing. You can see that, surely.” “But you have all the equipment, ma’am. I’ll have to write you up.” “If you do that, I will charge you with rape,” returned the irate woman. “But I haven’t even touched you,” the sheriff objected. “That’s true; but you have all the equipment.” THE MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads.