Very Best Laughs of the Day

Jokes from Prairie Home Companion Joke Show

What does your father do for a living?
He is a magician. He cuts people in two.
Do you have any brothers or sisters?
Yes, one half-brother and one half-sister….

Adam and Eve were naming animals. Adam saw a big creature with a horn on its face and said, “What shall we call this one?”
“Why don’t we call it a rhinoceros”?
“But, why?”
“Because it looks more like a rhinoceros than anything we’ve seen so far.”

Did you know Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz could have gone back home —- she did have a debit card with her? But there were no banks in Oz, that’s why she kept crying out “ATM! ATM!”

A man walks into a clock repair shop and the repairman is German and says: So? Vat sims to be ze problem?
It’s my grandfather clock. It doesn’t go ‘tick- tock-tick-tock’ anymore. Now it just goes ‘tick…tick…tick.
Mmm-Hm! I sink I can fix zis. Let me look inside. Ve haf vays of making you tock!

Three businessmen on a plane. First guy says, “That suit looks great on you. You must be a Harvard man.” Second guy says, “Yes, thank you. I did go to Harvard. And with that classy briefcase, I would guess that you went to Yale.” First guy says, “Yes, I am a Yale man.” They both look at the third guy, and they say, “You must have gone to University of Oklahoma.” Third guy says, “Why yes, I did. How could you tell?” “We saw your class ring when you picked your nose.”

It got cold in Minnesota and the nudist camp put out a sign, “We are open but we are clothed”.

There was a midget who joined a nudist colony but he was asked to leave because he kept poking his nose into everybody’s business.
They found a big hole in the wall around the nudist camp. The police are looking into it.

So the priest wanted to get away from his priesthood for an afternoon and he went to a nudist camp and a beautiful young woman walked up and said, “Hi Father.” He said, “How did you know it was me?” She said, “I’m Sister Catherine, remember?”

Please, help me. I haven’t eaten anything for days.
God, I wish I had your willpower.

Pablo Picasso surprised a burglar at work in his studio. The burglar got away, but Picasso told the police he could do a rough sketch of what he looked like. On the basis of his drawing, the police arrested a mother superior, a washing machine, and the Eiffel tower.

The man and wife walked out of divorce court in Mississippi and the man said, “Stop crying. So we got a divorce—–You’re still my cousin!”

So there was the robber who broke into the public radio station and stole a hundred thousand dollars worth of pledges.

A Baptist preacher and a priest sat next to each other on a plane. When the flight attendant asked what they’d like to drink, the priest said he’d like a glass of wine. The preacher asked for a soft drink saying Christians should avoid alcohol. The priest said, “Jesus drank wine.” The Baptist said, “I know and I would have thought a lot more of Him if he hadn’t.”

Ask me what’s the secret of comedy
OK, what’s the –
TIMING!__________________________

Very Best of the Evening Jokes Just for You

imageimage image image image imageSOME FEMALE BUMPER STICKERS

Behind every successful woman is herself.

Oh my god, I think I’m becoming the man I wanted to marry!
Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but she did it backwards and in high heels.

A woman is like a tea bag … you don’t know how strong she is until you put her in hot water.

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.

So many men, so few who can afford me.
Coffee, chocolate, men … some things are just better rich.

Don’t treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
I’m out of oestrogen and I have a gun.

Warning:
I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

Of course I don’t look busy … I did it right the first time.
Do not start with me. You will not win.
bullet
All stressed out and no one to choke.

I can be one of those bad things that happens to bad people.
How can I miss you if you won’t go away ?

Don’t upset me! I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.

If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

 

Nutsrok Meets VanBytheRiver

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https://vanbytheriver.wordpress.com/2015/07/29/a-wordpress-summit-2/?c=3435#comment-3435

Okay, Now that Van, from Vanbytheriver has posted about our meeting last week, I have to catch you up.  It was so much fun.  I sent her a picture, but she swore she’d know me anywhere.  I guess she didn’t think there would be that many round ladies in a blue-and-white gingham checked shirt and white knee pants with wild silver hair grinning like a possum and waving like mad on the Septa Platform.  Believe it or not, it turns out she was right.  I knew her the minute I saw her!  She had a smile a mile wide, probably because she was anticipating a  serial killer and pleased I didn’t look the part, so if you’re looking for a convincing serial killer disguise, try mine. Turns out, my daughter had warned me that Van might be a serial killer, till I reminded her I’d set up the meeting.  Wouldn’t it have been an amazing coincidence if we had both been serial killers stalking each other instead of WordPress bloggers meeting up for the first time?  What a premise for a story!

We laughed and swapped stories like we’d grown up together.  I feel like she’s my sister, now.  We tried on hats in a consignment shop. Van looked adorable in the cute little paper hat with a flower.  I looked like a crazed Southern Belle in my white veiled wedding hat.  All I needed was a mint julep to complete the picture.  You’ve probably already wondered what in the world in was doing in that hat in my Ask Auntie Linda pictures.  Well that explains it.  I did end up getting a complete set of Roger’s Silver Plate for eight in a lovely case for $42.  I just love vintage stuff.  I had more fun than I’ve had in such a long time.  I wish I could meet all my WordPress friends.  If you ever want a meetup, let me know.  If you haven’t read Van’s article, please check link above.  She is not a serial killer, as far as I know.

Are You Healthy Enough for…You Know?

motherAnother story about my mother, who at eighty plus is always up for a laugh. We recently visited her cardiologist for a routine checkup. She’s been seeing him for years. Noticing a few gray hairs, she studied him seriously. “Can you recommend a good cardiologist?” Continue reading

Farm Life: Gotta Have Guts

Repost

Daddy loved home remedies and dosed his kids and livestock readily.   Mother did run interference for us on cow chip tea and coal oil and sugar, but did let him load us with sulphur and molasses for summer sores. We never got summer sores, probably because we reeked so much we didn’t tempt mosquitoes. I do appreciate Mother for putting her foot down when his ideas got too toxic. No telling what kind of chromosome damage she saved us. Continue reading

The Case of the Mysterious Spotted Dog Murder

Our life with Annie, our surly, farting Dalmatian was complicated by her partner in crime, Greg, the ever-present kid from across the street.  I use ever-present in the strictest sense.  Greg’s mom worked nights.  In a casual relationship never addressed by any of us, Greg made a beeline to our house as soon as he got home every day, hit the pantry for a snack, and let Annie out of prison.  Greg was well known for investigating our premises, keeping himself abreast of what all that was going on at our house, while he dawdled about, picking things up, questioning, “What’s this?  When did you get this?”   We’d chat about his day.  Afterwards, he and Annie would go off on a ramble, since we lived in a rural neighborhood with many large wooded areas. They were a common sight, known all over the neighborhood.

At any rate, one afternoon he and Annie stumbled on a construction site, just as a human skull was unearthed.  Naturally, the ensuing hub bub was tremendous. With law enforcement and news crews arriving, Greg and Annie managed to be front and center, part of the big story. Greg was ecstatic, carrying the news all over the neighborhood, taking full credit for the entire situation.  Anxious to milk the situation for all it was worth, Greg made a hasty trip back to our house to retrieve a gag item of my daughter’s, a dummy arm and hand intended to hang from the trunk of a vehicle, giving the impression of a body is in the trunk.

Returning to the wooded area near the site of all the excitement, Greg tossed the “arm” to Annie, initiating her favorite game of “keepaway.”  Annie burst from the woods, arm in her mouth, ripping through the yellow crime scene tape.  Greg was right behind her, yelling his head off. It was like a scene out of a Monty Python movie. Annie, no novice, at being chased by shouting strangers, headed home, dragging the incriminating arm.  Winded, she scratched at the back door, still clinging to her prize.  Shortly, she was followed by Greg and a bevy of law enforcement officers, asking to see the arm.  She’d hidden in the bedroom, reluctant to part with such a desirable prize, but I brought it out for their examination.  I was so glad not to be Greg’s parent that day.

Oh, the skull turned out to be that of a Native American who’d probably died more than one hundred years before.

https://nutsrok.wordpress.com/2015/01/25/not-quite-the-proverbial-turd-in-the-punchbowl/

https://nutsrok.wordpress.com/2015/01/21/pooping-with-brian/