All You Need to Know to Get Along with a Man/Woman

The Real Definition of Words When Used By Women

JOKES - Differences Between Men and Woman

  1. Fine – I am right. This argument is over. You need to shut up.
  2. That’s Okay – One of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. “That’s okay” means she wants to think hard and long before deciding when and how you’ll pay for your mistake.
  3. Nothing – The calm before the storm. This means “Something” and you better be on your toes. Note: Arguments that start with “Nothing” usually end with “Fine” (See #1).
  4. Five Minutes – If getting dressed, this means half an hour. (Don’t be mad about this. It’s the same definition for you when it’s your turn to do some chores around the house.)
  5. Thanks – A woman is thanking you. Do not question this or faint. Just say, “You’re welcome,” and let it go.
  6. Loud Sigh – Not actually a word but rather a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. It means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is standing here wasting her time arguing with you about “Nothing.” (See #3)
  7. Go Ahead – This is a dare, not permission. (Don’t Do It!)
  8. Don’t worry about it, I got it – The second most dangerous statement a woman can make. It means that a woman has asked a man several times to do something and is now doing it herself. (This will result in you asking at a later date, “What’s wrong?” For the woman’s response, see #3.)

 

Differences Between Man and Women

Names

If Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara.

If John, Brad, Tony and Daniel go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bruno, Scrappy, Peanut-Head and Godzilla.

Eating Out

When the bill arrives, John, Brad, Tony and Daniel will each throw in $20, even though the total is only $34.25. None of them will have any smaller bills and none will admit they want change back.

When Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

Money

A man will pay $10 for a $5 item he needs.

A woman will pay $5 for a $10 item that she doesn’t need, because it’s on sale.

Bathrooms

JOKES - Differences Between Men and Woman

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, razor, shaving cream, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Motel 6.

The average number of items in a woman’s bathroom is 328. The average man would not be able to identify most of them.

Arguments

Women always have the last word in an argument. Anything a man adds after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Cats

Women love cats.

Men may say they love cats, but when women are not looking, will men kick cats.

Future

A woman worries about the future — until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future — until he gets a wife.

Success

A successful man is one who makes more money than can be spent by his wife.

A successful woman is one who can find that a man.

Marriage

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.

Dressing Up

A woman will dress up when she goes shopping, empties the garbage, answers the phone, waters the plants, gets the mail and reads a book.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

Natural

Men wake up looking as good as when they went to bed.

Women will somehow deteriorate during the night.

Children

A woman knows all about her children. She knows about their best friends, romances, secret hopes and dreams, favorite foods, fears and dental appointments.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Thought for the Day

Married men should forget their mistakes. There is no need for two people to remember the same thing.

 

Te Be Six Again

You really have to give this guy an A+ for effort.

George was a thoughtful husband. He wanted to give his wife something special for her birthday which was coming up soon. As he sat on the edge of the bed, he watched his wife turning back and forth and looking at herself in the mirror. “Reta,” he said, “What would you like for your birthday?”

His wife continued to look at herself and said, “I’d like to be six again.”

George knew just what to do. On the big day, he got up early and made his wife a bowl of Fruit Loops. Then he took her to an amusement park where they rode all the rides. Five hours later, Reta’s stomach felt upside down and her head was reeling. Never the less, George took her to McDonald’s and bought her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Next, it was a movie with popcorn, soda and her favorite candy.

As Reta wobbled into the house that evening and flopped on the bed, George asked her, “Well, Dear, what was it like to be six again?”

Reta looked up at him. Her expression changed. She said, “I meant my dress size!”

 

Why Men Are Happier

Men can play with toys all their life.

Men can wear shorts no matter what their legs look like.

Men have one wallet and one pair of shoes which are good for every season.

Men can choose whether or not to grow a mustache.

Men can “do” their fingernails with a pocket knife.

Men’s bellies usually hide their large hips.

Chocolate is just another snack.

The whole garage belongs to them.

Weddings take care of themselves.

Men’s last name never changes.

Everything on a man’s face stays its original color.

Men only have to shave their faces and necks.

Men can keep the same hairstyle for years, even decades.

Men can do their Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on Christmas Eve in 25 minutes.

For men, wrinkles add character.

Men can go on a week’s vacation and pack only one suitcase.

Men’s new shoes don’t cause blisters, or cut or mangle their feet.

Men don’t have to stop and think which way to turn a screw.

Men have one mood all the time.

A wedding dress cost $5000. A tuxedo rental – 100 bucks

Men can open all their own jars.

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Dumb Louisiana Laws

Louisiana
• An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public.
• Biting someone with your natural teeth is “simple assault”, while biting someone with your false teeth is “aggravated assault”.
• Communism has been against the law in Haines City, La., since 1950.
• If you’ve ever been to Mardi Gras in New Orleans, you’ll see the kings and queens on the various floats throwing plastic money, medallions and jewels to the crowd, but not food. It’s against the law to throw food from a float in the Mardi Gras festivities.
• It is against state law to steal even a single crawfish.
• It is illegal to gargle in public places.
• It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol.
• It illegal for a woman to drive a car unless her husband is waving a flag in front of it.
• It is illegal in Lafayette, Louisiana to play a musical instrument for the purpose of attracting attention, without a license.
• It’s legal to walk down the street with a drink in New Orleans, even to drive with a drink. But if you fall over and block the sidewalk, you’ve just broken the law.
• Louisiana law prohibits couples who are shopping for a new bed from putting it to the “ultimate test”– in other words, from trying it out by making love on it, or even simulating this activity.
• Mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches.
• New Orleans: You may not tie an alligator to a fire hydrant.
• Rituals that involve the ingestion of blood, urine, or fecal matter are not allowed.
• Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked.
• Taxi drivers are prohibited from making love in the front seat of their taxi during their shifts.
• You may not tie an alligator to a fire hydrant.

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