Aunt Ader’s Place Part 7

Aunt Julie looked like a wild woman, but I adored her.  She cackled like a hen when she laughed with her crinkly black hair standing up like a nest of stinging worms.  I saw her comb it once or twice, but it didn’t make a bit of difference.  Fortunately, she was easy going and didn’t seem bothered by it.  She was a skinny, little woman with a big stomach and pipe-stem legs.  The legs of her pants bloused out and never touched her.  Had I not known her since I was born, I’d have thought she was a witch.  She had a filthy mouth, peppering her language with forbidden words.  I learned early on Mother would warm my britches should I repeat anything coming out of Aunt Julie’s mouth.

One of Aunt Julie’s phrases always hooked me.  She often prefaced statements with, “as the old saying goes.”  I loved old sayings, so I was all ears waiting for what came next.  Sadly more often than not, she finished with something perfectly mundane like, “I  have to make a pan of biscuits.”  I never failed to be disappointed, feeling she had not followed through on her promise.  “Fortunately, from time to time, she finished up with a thrilling phrase like, “If I don’t get to the bathroom soon I’m gonna s___ my drawers.”  Her use of forbidden language always brightened days moderated by Mother’s prudish language.  We weren’t even allowed to say pee pee or doo doo.  It’s rough being a gee gee-er in a world of kids who doo doo or donkey.  I don’t think Mother cared how she marked us.  More on Aunt Julie later.

Useful Old Sayings

“If your brain was  strychnine, it wouldn’t stagger a piss ant.”

“If you don’t want to get s___ on you, don’t mess with a turd.”

“Wipe off some of that lipstick.  Your mouth looks like a chicken’s ass in poke berry season.”

“He’d climb on top of the house to tell a lie when he could stand on the ground and tell the truth.”

“She’d gripe if you stood on the porch and pee’d in the yard, or stood in the yard and pee’d on the porch.

“He’s so cheap he wouldn’t give a nickel to see Jesus ridin’ a bicycle.”

“I’m so poor I can’t afford to pay attention.”
“I couldn’t buy a hummingbird on a string for a nickel.”

“He doesn’t have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of.”

“….so mean his mama had to tie a porch chop around his neck to get the puppy to play with him.”

“It would be easier to push syrup up a hill with a stick.”