Self-Care

I do my routine housework each day then make a point to get outside some each day. I order groceries so I don’t have to grocery shop. If I have errands, I try to group them so I don’t have to go out too much. For myself, I read and enjoy WordPress.

Pretty Good Jokes From Prairie Home Companion

 

Doctor, do you realize you have a suppository behind your ear!
I know, and somebody’s got my pen and I’m not sure I want it back.

I wrote a single entendre but it wasn’t funny at all, so I put two of them together…if you know what I mean.

A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy said, “Mommy, I have to pee.” The mother said to the little boy, “It’s not appropriate to say the word ‘pee’ in church. So, from now on whenever you have to ‘pee’ just tell me that you have to ‘whisper.'”
The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, “Daddy, I have to whisper.” The father looked at him and said, “Okay, whisper in my ear.”

Management was trying to make us a paperless office and then they gave us a paperless bathroom.
Because the manager was a very constipated accountant and he just couldn’t budge it.

A man walked into work on Monday with a black eye. His boss asked what happened.
The man said, “I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and glared at me.”
“Where did you get the shiner?” the boss asked.
“Well,” the man said, “I figured she didn’t want it out, so I pushed it back in.”

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked, ‘Crushed nuts?’
‘No, arthritis.’

Why do Italian men have mustaches?
So they can look like their mothers.

Didja hear about the Italian mailman who was charged with sexual harassment? —-He was caught lookin uppa somebodies addressa.

What did God say after creating man? — He said, I can do better than this. —-

Why is divorce so expensive? —–Because it’s worth it.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can’t stand criticism.

Once there was a woman’s brain cell that got trapped in a man’s head. She looked around and saw that the whole thing was empty. She called, “Hello, is anyone there? Hello?” Suddenly she heard voices from far away, “We’re down here…” Men are all alike, they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
But don’t get me wrong. Men are good. They can multitask—- I mean, they read on the toilet.

Why do women knit?
It gives them something to think about when they’re talking.

How many men does it take to change a lightbulb ? —– None. Men don’t change lightbulbs; they think they can turn them on just by rubbing up against them. ——Did you know that studies show that a woman is turned on by different things, depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. If she is ovulating, she is attracted to strong men with rugged masculine features. And if she is just about to menstruate, she is more attracted to a man with a knife in his chest and tape over his mouth while he is on fire.

Did you know there are female hormones in beer?
When you drink beer, you argue over trivial things, don’t make any sense, start to cry and you lose your ability to drive.

A man thanked God for giving him a wife and he asked God, “Why did you make her so beautiful?”
The Lord said, “So you could love her, my son.”
The man said, “But why did you make her so stupid?”
“So she could love you, my son.”

Marriage is like a deck of cards.
You start out with two hearts and a diamond; and you end up wishing you had a club & spade!
Do you really believe your husband when he tells you he goes fishing every weekend? Maybe he is having an affair.
I know he’s fishing because he never comes back with any fish…

Marriage and death are two different things. They are very different.
When you’re dead, you don’t wish that you were married.

How many optimists does it take to change a light bulb?
Who says it’s dark?

How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb? 50.
50?!!!!
Yeah, 50! Read the contract.

How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes a lot of light bulbs!

How many Yale graduates does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to mix the martinis and one to call the electrician.

How many Boy Bands does it take to change a lightbulb?
We don’t know – lightbulbs last longer than most Boy Bands!

Bumps in the Road Part 9

After the wedding, they moved into the boarding house in the little community of Box Elder, not far from Clarksville. Bill’s construction crew also had rooms there. They had the biggest room on the second floor and took their meals in the dining room. Kathleen was shy of eating in front of Bill, so she barely touched her food. The landlady provided the men with a brown bag lunch. Bill left before six every morning and got home past dark. The men didn’t get a day off unless it rained, so Bill wasn’t around a lot.

Bill didn’t want her to work, so she gave up her waitress job and had time on her hands. Luckily, the house was on the bus route, so Kathleen could go into town when she wished. She’d visit Annie and the two would stroll around town and lunch at the cafe. Kathleen had spent her meager earnings after a couple of weeks. Then her period was due. Blushing, she asked, “Bill, can I get a little money? I need money for the bus and a couple of things from town.”

He was in a hurry. “I get paid tomorrow. I’ll be off Saturday. I’ll take you then. You don’t need to go into town all the time.”

Mortified, she had to explain. “I can’t wait. You know women need personal items once a a month. I have to go to the store today.”

Reddening, it was his turn to be embarrassed. “Uh, okay.” He dug some bills out of his pocket. “I have a five and two ones.” He held the ones out to her. Seeing her face fall, he put the ones back in his wallet and gave her the five. “Don’t spend it all in one place.” He kissed her goodbye and headed off to work.

Kathleen prettied herself up and caught the bus into town. Meeting Annie, they strolled around the square, stopping at the Rexall for her pads. She chose a bright red lipstick and a tiny bottle of Evening in Paris perfume so she’d look and smell pretty for Bill.

“Do you want to get a bite at the cafe?” Annie asked. “I have to go get ready for work at two.”

Kathleen counted her money. She had $1.76 left. Lunch and bus fare would finish off the five Bill had given her. “Maybe I’d better not spend all my money.”

“Okay, we’ll go to my room and make a fried egg sandwich in my room,” replied Annie.

They hurried to Annie’s room and made fried egg sandwiches on Annie’s hot plate. It was a good day. Kathleen loved being with Annie and looked forward to getting home to her handsome husband.

Maybe I should ……..

Back in 1996, Bud was checking out Jeeps.  He’d always wanted one.  After finding just the right one, I took him down to pick it up.  The salesman was running behind.  Another couple, very professional- looking  was also waiting for the salesman.  We made each other’s acquaintance, eventually dredging up acquaintances known to us both.  By no means were we more than two couples standing in the blazing sun making the best of waiting for an inattentive sales person.  The lady, particularly, looked prim and proper like a Sunday School teacher. Time dragged.  There was nothing particularly memorable about the situation till I blundered.

I was tired of waiting for that guy.  Pointing to a nearby Jeep, I stated.  “I think I’ll go shit on the bumper.”  I had intended to say “sit on the bumper.”  I don’t know who was more shocked, me, Bud, or the couple we waited with.  I was horrified and stammered an unimpressive apology.   Clearly, they’d spent enough time in my low company.  Nobody laughed. The couple realized they needed to be elsewhere and strolled off.  I half expected Bud to go off with them.

Bud’s Jeep still sits in our drive with nothing but a winch on the bumper.

Kathleen Carries On Part 5 or Don’t Give Me Any Lip

As we made our way through the rutted trails of the wildlife park, Mother held the requisite cup of pellets. A camel loped over, pushing his head in the window. Mother was terrified, so she clutched his prize tightly to her bosoms. Denial only made him more persistent. He shoved harder, his big floppy lips trying to rip the cup from her grip. It finally occurred to her to release her death grip on the cup so he pulled it away. Squealing, she started raising the window but not before another camel had almost gotten his head in the window. As my brother-in-law speeded up a bit to get away from the demands of the camels, Mother called out gleefully, “Look at that stupid camel chasing us!” Of course he was. Mother had trapped his lip in the window.

Kids in Cars

I’m sitting in the shade at the grocery store waiting for Mother to finish her shopping. I take her once a week. I finish mine in about 30 minutes, then pick her up at the door when she calls me. It’s 93 right now. As a kid, I remember it being far hotter ,when we waited in the car. Mother let us go in grocery store with her, once we were sufficiently threatened. We always got a box of animal crackers to munch while she shopped, presumably to keep our hands and mouths occupied.

In the parking lot, we smugly passed cars full of hot, fighting kids on our way in. Sometimes, we had to sit in the car if she had kid-free business like banking or bill-paying. What I thought was two hours, Mother called fifteen minutes. The truth lay somewhere between, but I’ll never admit it to her. We started fighting the minute she was out of earshot and lapsed into virtuous behavior as soon as we saw her coming back. Initially, there were threats of “I’m telling,” but usually by the time Mother got back, we’d all have passed enough licks no one could risk tattling. Mother always accused us of acting like heathens. I wonder if heathen mothers accused their children of acting like Christians?

For those of you who weren’t raised in Sunday School, Heathen is a dated term used primarily of someone who is not religious, or whose religion is not Judaism, Islam, or especially Christianity. In our case, it was a disparaging term used disapprovingly to describe one (me)who is not cultured; this use is also dated. Forgive me. I am sure this is not politically correct, but I was lead to believe I frequently acted “like a heathen.” I feel sure most heathen were much more well- behaved.

For the love of God, don’t leave your kid in the car!

Best of Health

My dad enjoyed excellent health but enjoyed his maladies even more.  Upon hearing a doctor or hospital recommendation, he obsessed until he found a reason for a visit.  He was admitted at least yearly as long as I can remember, for reasons ranging from a tonsillectomy to ingrown toenail removal.  He couldn’t wait for Mother to get out of the hospital after the Cesarean birth of her fifth baby, leaving her at home with five children ranging from newborn, seventeen month old, six, ten, and thirteen year olds.    The theory was the big girls could take care of thing.  Ha!  His problem, a cystic acne lesion on his shoulder that had been there for years.  He just needed a bit of “me” time I suspect.

His entire family loved doctoring. They compared doctors and medicines every time they got together. It wasn’t unusual for them to try the others medication. I had one Uncle who’d finish up any medication, even his wife’s hormones. I”I paid good money for that medercine(that’s how he pronounced it) an’ I ain’t ‘bout to waste it.

They also liked to have weigh-ins. The skinniest would drag out the bathroom scales and throw out the challenge. Let’s see how much_________ weighs! The rare trim one amongst them would happily hop on. The “healthier,”that means fatter in this instance would likely be badgered till they gave in. Fat Shaming! What a fun game!