In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new Commanding Officer was sent to an African jungle outpost to relieve the retiring Colonel.
After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring Colonel said,
“You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man, God, he’s really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless.”
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO who was surprised to meet a crooked, toothless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, with three strands of hair on his head – a particularly unattractive man of less than three foot tall.
“Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself.”
“Well, sir, I graduated with honour’s from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar and three DSO’s after 12 months of expeditions behind enemy lines.
I’ve represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won Gold Medals in the middleweight division boxing, archery gold, wrestling and a 2 golds in the Olympic games. I have researched the history of…………………………”
Here the Colonel interrupted,
“Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, the
CO can find all that in your file.
Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to “Go chase herself.”
No Land Lovers Here
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks, “So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?” The pirate replies, “We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.”
“Wow!” said the seaman. “What about your hook”? “Well”, replied the pirate, “We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off.”
“Incredible!” remarked the seaman. “How did you get the eye patch”? “A seagull dropping fell into my eye,” replied the pirate.
“You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?,” the sailor asked incredulously. “Well,” said the pirate, “it was my first day with my hook”
A pirate and his parrot, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a valiant battle.
While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, the pirate stumbled across an old lamp.
Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
To the amazement of the castaways, a Genie came forth.
This particular Genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving any thought to the matter the pirate blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into rum!”
The Genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest rum ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the Genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of rum on the hull broke the stillness as the two considered their circumstances.
The parrot looked disgustedly at the pirate and after a tension-filled moment spoke: “Now yee’ve done it!! Now we’re gonna have to pee in the boat.”
Trick Or Treat
A little kid with a speech impediment dresses up as a pirate and goes trick or treating.
He knocks on the door of a house and a man answers.
“oh, i can see you’re dressed up as a pirate.” the man says. “but where are your buccaneers?”
The kid gets really mad, and says “on the sides of my buckin’ head!”