Funny Marriage Quotes

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All marriages are happy.  It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” -Raymond Hull

“The total amount of undesired sex endured by women is probably greater in marriage than in prostitution.” -Bertrand Russell

“A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve is extracted”
-Helen Rowland

“Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven’t been able to find anybody who’ll take what I have to give.” -Cass Daley

“Marriage: A legal or religious ceremony by which two persons of the opposite sex solemnly agree to harass and spy on each other for ninety-nine years, or until death do them join.” -Elbert Hubbard

“The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.” -Groucho Marx

*“Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.”
-Henny Youngman

“When a man opens the car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” -Prince Philip

“I require only three things of a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid.” -Dorothy Parker

“When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one.” -Helen Rowland

“Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.” -G. K. Chesterton

“Alimony – The ransom that the happy pay to the devil.”
-H.L. Mencken

“A husband’s last words should always be, OK buy it.” -Unknown

“My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.” -Jimmy Durante

“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” -Rita Rudner

“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.” -James Holt McGavran

“Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up.” -Evelyn Hendrickson

“One advantage of marriage is that, when you fall out of love with him or he falls out of love with you, it keeps you together until you fall in again.” -Judith Viorst

“After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together.”
-Hemant Joshi

“An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.” -Agatha Christie

“My mother said it was simple to keep a man, you must be a maid in the living room, a cook in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom. I said I’d hire the other two and take care of the bedroom bit.”
-Jerry Hall

“I never married because I have three pets at home that answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night.” -Marie Corelli

“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.” -Billy Connolly

“Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse.” -Arthur Baer

“Why does a woman work ten years to change a man’s habits and then complain that he’s not the man she married?” -Barbra Streisand

“I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” – Rita Rudner

“Car Manufacturer’s formula for a successful marriage : Stick to one model!” – Unknown

“Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.” -Joey Adams

“What’s for dinner is the only question many husbands ask their wives, and the only one to which they care about the answer.”
-Mignon McLaughlin

“Three rings of marriage are the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.” -Unknown

“Women hope men will change after marriage but they don’t; men hope women won’t change but they do.” -Bettina Arndt

“Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.” -Helen Rowland

“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” -Henny Youngman

“If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.” -Katharine Hepburn

“It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.” -Robert Frost

“The man who says his wife can’t take a joke, forgets that she took him.” -Oscar Wilde

“I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late.” -Max Kauffmann

“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.”
-Henry Youngman

Patio Redo for Less Than $250

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October is as close to heaven as you can get in my corner of Louisiana.  The blazing heat of summer has abated, the weather has cooled, and I decide I’m going to make it, after all.  We just started pulling together a project that has been in the works for a long time,redoing and enclosing our patio.  We still intend to put down a tile floor, put glass doors across the opening, and paint the ceilings ng

All the furniture you see here is an amalgamation of Goodwill, thrift shop, repurposed, and utilization of materials on hand except for a few dollars worth of supplies.  Bud is wonderful and loves a project, so all I have to do is come up with an idea he likes and we’re on it.  The big wicker rocker to the left cost $50 at Goodwill a couple of years ago with a broken rocker.  It retailed for $650, but with wood and paint Bud had on hand, he repaired and painted it.  The rocker on the left upper center was a relative’s castoff, and was spray painted for less than $2.00.  The yellow wicker on the right cost $20 in a thrift shop, paint $2.00 for cost of $22.  One sister gave me the green chair frame, and I covered it in fabric another sister gave me.  The only thing it cost was the seat cushion, and paint on hand, so it cost less than $10.

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Now the ceramic top table took $6.24 in new tile and utilized leftover tile from another project.  We had the grout and ceramic glue on hand.  Bud also had to buy the screen-door stripping for less than $10.  He did have to buy half a sheet of plywood to make the table surface.  He built the pedestal for another table more than twenty-five years ago, so this is it’s second incarnation.  He estimates total costs of table, $80 to $100 if he had had to purchase all the materials today.

The chairs at the table are from a thrift shop.  Total cost, including purchase price of chairs, paint and pine for the seats and the polyurethane finish was less than $40 a chair.  Together the table and chair set might have cost $120, but we still have paint and polyurethane left.

A dear friend built the potting stand in the corner from a decrepit screen door and salvaged materials from a barn demo and materials she had on hand.  I love it.

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The fountain came from a friend and has been on my patio more than twenty-five years.  Best of all is the view I am so grateful for, as I sit in my patio writing.  It is priceless and free, like all the best things. I am so blessed.

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Hand Me Down Glamor (Memory from The Great Depression)

“Hand me downs” were a vital part of every kid’s wardrobe during The Great Depression. Though Annie and John were several years older, I wore their hand me downs, though they had probably passed through other children before they got back to me. Kids only had to look at an older sibling to see what was in their wardrobe future. With any luck, a kid got an Continue reading

Ask Auntie Linda, August 28, 2015

Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, I am sixty-four.  My husband is sixty-sixty.  He is in poor health.   We have two daughters.  My youngest daughter wants us to sell our house and use that money to add on to her house where we could all live together.  It sounds like a good idea to me.  I could babysit the children and we could all live a little better than we are now.  My other daughter is furious about the plan.  She says Donna is just trying to get everything.  What should we do?  Torn

Dear Torn, this could turn out badly if you invested your money in somebody elses’s house..  You could end up on the street with nothing.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  My son and his girlfriend never married, but had a child.  He is seven years old now.  We are all very involved with him.  He is very excited about his new brother.  Most of our family treats this child as a grandchild also.  A couple of family members have turned their backs, though we’ve ignored them. What more should we do.  Proud Grands.

Dear Proud,  Congratulations.  No time you ever spend with little guys is wasted.  You are doing everything right!  Continue to show that little guy off .  A grandchild is a blessing.

Dear Auntie Linda, August 17, 2015

Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, My husband and I have been married about six years.  Lately I just feel like a housekeeper and Mommy.  Our couples class recently had a Sweetheart Banquet.  The men were supposed to name their wife’s favorite flower.  When it was Jim’s turn, He said, “Well, my mama always liked plain, but I think Becky likes self-rising.”  Everybody laughed, but it ruined the night for me.  Once again, I felt about as interesting as somebody’s granny.  I’ve kept myself nice, but Jim just doesn’t seem to notice.  He’s a good man, but has little interest in me or the baby.   It’s supper, TV, bed, maybe quick sex once in a while, but no togetherness.  He doesn’t need me for a friend.  If I try to talk, he says he’s tired, or he’s watching TV.  I’m thinking of leaving, but only because there’s no real reason to stay.  Nothing Here.

Dear Nothing, Have you told Jim how exactly how dissatisfied you are?  It’s possible he thinks you are happy as a dead pig in the sunshine.  One person can’t make a marriage.  Before you make up your mind to go, be sure to tally up the pros and cons of leaving.  It might be worth working out.  Jim may think everything is just fine   Men and women don’t speak the same language.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, An older man lives next door who looks like his thinking might not be that great.   His house and yard aren’t well-kept.  Quite a scruffy-looking guys are starting to hang around who look suspiciously like they are taking advantage of him.  Police officers have made numerous calls to the house, and a time or two, have left with a shady looking character.  Today, an obviously drunk man was stumbling around in the front yard with a bottle of wine.  I had the baby and my little girl outdoors and didn’t want to encounter him, so I took them back indoors.  Not thirty minutes later, the drunk man was on the back porch using an electric saw.  I was home alone with the children, so I just locked the doors.  What can be done about this situation?  Worried

Dear Worried, Sounds like time to make a call to the police if if there is a repeat wit the drunk man and adult protection.  If you don’t want to identify yourself, it can be anonymous. Things are getting out of hand.  Auntie Linda

Dear Worried

Joke of the Day

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, “Quick, bring me a beer before it starts” She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, “Quick, bring me another beer. It’s gonna start.” This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, “Quick, another beer before it starts.” “That’s it!” She blows her top, “You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don’t even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don’t you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?” The husband sighed. “Oh sh–, it started!”

Parenting-An Unexpected Trigger

Reblog from sisterwives

The SisterWives

On Tuesday, Dawn courageously shared a part of her story with us. You may have noticed that she touched briefly on a project she and a fellow survivor, mother, and blogger are starting to support others who no longer want to feel alone, who want to find a community where there are others who understand completely what they are living with day in and day out.  

This is exactly the kind of project the Sisterwives get behind wholeheartedly. Not one of us needs to feel alone, no matter the trauma we have endured. If you are a survivor or know someone who is, please read Dawn’s second post here today and consider contributing to this incredible anthology project or sharing the opportunity.

Together we are stronger.  ~   The Sisterwives

parenting unexpected trigger

People may ask, why open up old wounds by talking about abuse that happened to you in childhood? I’d say…

View original post 866 more words

Diary of Simpler Times

Diary Jan 2Diary Jan 30002Mother and I were going through some of her things looking for pictures for my blog when she came upon her homemade diary from 1939.  I copied a couple of its tattered pages.  I found it endearing to get a peak at a day in her eleven-year-old life. Do little girls that age play dolls now?  It was delightful to hear of her playing and running errands.  I’m so glad to get this little peek.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Killer Tomatoes (Tales from the Toilet)

imageA well-worn path led down the hill to the toilet located far enough to cut the odor and avoid contamination of our well.  Mama was vigilant about sanitation and shoveled lime into the pit to aid decomposition and screened the open back to foil her chickens who considered the flies and maggots a tempting buffet.  Chickens are not known for their Continue reading