Dodged a Bullet

Jasper wakes up with a killer hangover and a throbbing black eye. The first thing he sees is a single rose on the side table and a note from his wife: “Darling, breakfast is on the table. I’ve gone shopping to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you!”

He staggers to the kitchen and, sure enough, there’s breakfast. “Mike.”he says to his son, “what happened last night?”

“You came home pickled and got that black eye tripping over a chair.”

“So, why the rose, breakfast, and sweet note from your mother?”

“Oh, that. Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take off your clothes, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone, I’m married!’”

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Joke

A guy walks into a bar.  He drinks too much and throws up on his shirt.  “My wife’s gonna kill me,” he mutters.

“Don’t worry about it,” said the bartender, sticking a five in his pocket.  ” Just pull this out, tell her a guy threw up on you and gave you a five to have your shirt cleaned.”

The guy staggered home, sure enough, his wife was mad about the shirt.  ” A drunk threw up on me and gave me a five to have my shirt cleaned.”

“But this is a ten!”

“He crapped my pants,too!”

A Grave Matter

As the two tipsy ladies staggered home their night on the town, they realized they had to go, right then, and made a quick detour into the cemetery.  They each ducked behind a tombstone to do their business.  Of course, they had no toilet tissue.  One used her panties, tossing them aside.  Her friend had worn a lovely matched set and couldn’t bear to part with her undies.  She just snitched a ribbon off a flower arrangement, cast it aside, and went on her way.