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Month: July 2018
Uncle Albutt Part 4
Uncle Albert had an interesting vocabulary. Even when he didn’t get words right, he forged bravely ahead. When his energy was low, he didn’t have much image. When the doctor diagnosed him with emphysema, he referred to his ‘zema. Air conditioners were air positioners. He called my sister Phyllis, Phillips. I liked that one. I was Linder. I didn’t like that quite so much. My mother Kathleen was Kathaleen. He called Daddy “Willie”, his real name instead of Bill, the name Daddy gave himself once he left home. Daddy cringed every time he was called Willie. The only other person who got away with it was his mother. I wouldn’t have wanted to be Willie, either. For some reason, Daddy’s brother Parnell named his daughter Willie Carol. She was a whiny, sullen kid, maybe because of that name. It makes perfect sense to me.
On occasion, we saw some of Aunt Jewel’s relatives. Her sister, Lucille, who incidentally had married one of Daddy’s cousins, had the hairiest legs I’ve ever seen, man or woman. The wearing of seamed stockings only made it more obvious. A good proportion of the wiry hairs worked their way through the stockings, trying to escape, while the rest were imprisoned flat against her legs. I don’t know which fascinated me more, the swirling mass of flattened ones, or the wild escapees. I never got to look enough, and certainly wasn’t allowed to comment. Mother warned us off when she knew we’d see Lucille. Daddy swore her legs had gotten hairier because she shaved them! That just sounded nuts. How would hair roots know a razor threatened? He was death on leg-shaving, ascribing to the old wive’s tale that shaving made hair grow back thicker. I don’t know what planet he was from that made his daughter’s legs, shaved or unshaven, his business, but Daddy thought he was God and his wishes, commandments. More likely, he may have feared he’d be stuck with his girls forever should we sprout hair like that. Of course, Mother never volunteered the information that she shaved her legs. I guess she didn’t want Daddy to know what was in his future. Naturally, I shaved my legs as soon as I could get hold of a razor. I can’t tell you how happy I was to get away from home.
Daddy’s methods did ensure he never had to deal with adult children boomeranging
home. Times just didn’t get that hard.
Joke of the Day
.A person receives a telegram informing about his mother-in-law’s death.
It also enquires him whether she should be buried or cremated.
He replies, “Don’t take chances. Burn the body and bury the ashes!”
Vultures wait until you’re dead to pick on you.
Q. What’s the definition of mixed emotions?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Mother in Law Joke
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. He had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.
As they were walking through the barn, during the inspection, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.
Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, “The women would say, ‘What a terrible tragedy’ and I would nod my head and say, ‘Yes, it was.’ The men would then ask, ‘Can I borrow that mule?’ and I would shake my head and say, ‘Can’t. It’s all booked up for a year.'”
Curtis, the Church Lady, and Pecan Pie
Image courtesy of Pixabay
With thirty years in nursing, you can well imagine I have my share of strange stories. I worked in acute dialysis in the hospital, so knew my patients very well. We talked about their lives, familis, dogs, whatever was on their minds. One of my favorite patients was Curtis, a huge man, perfectly delightful, but developmentally challenged. His thinking was about on the level of a eight-year-old. Curtis had somehow gotten credit at a furniture store, bought a houseful of furniture, and not made a single payment. He was being hounded for payment, so decided the best course of action was to go in the hospital, where he wouldn’t be bothered. When he told the nurse at the outpatient dialysis clinic he needed to go to the hospital, she explained he couldn’t be admitted unless sick. He did some thinking and called her back to his chair telling her he had something for her. (I can’t imagine how she fell for that.). He dropped an impressive lump of excrement into her outstretched hand and was admitted into the psychiatric unit of the hospital in short order.
He was happily ensconced at the hospital, soon moved to the medical floor. One day he walked into my unit asking for a large patient gown. He went on his way. Curtis was not on my mind when I heard a lady out in the hall exclaim. “Oh my God! Take it!” It seems she had been bringing a pecan pie to her hospitalized friend from church when she encountered seven-foot-tall Curtis, walking naked down the hall, looking for hospital staff to help him with his gown. Curtis, hadn’t seen a pecan pie in way too long. He dropped the gown, grabbed the pie and raised a clumsy fist when the poor woman resisted. She gave up on the pie and fled shrieking. Eventually, the whole thing smoothed over. Curtis had his pie and his gown. The hospital gave the lady another pecan pie and an apology. By the time Curtis got home, his furniture had been repossessed, so he wasn’t harassed any more. They all lived happily ever after, except of course for the nurse who got a handful of doo-doo.
A New York City yuppie moved to the country and bought a piece of land. He went to the local feed and livestock store and talked to the proprietor and asked to buy one hundred chicks.
“That’s a lot of chicks,” commented the proprietor. “I mean business,” the city slicker replied.
A week later the yuppie was back again. “I need another hundred chicks,” he said. “Boy, you are serious about this chicken farming,” the man told him.
“Yeah,” the yuppie replied. “If I can iron out a few problems.” “Problems?” asked the proprietor. “Yeah,” replied the yuppie, “I think I planted that last batch too close together.”
Uncle Albutt Part 3
Uncle Albert was the only person I ever knew who never attended school at all. He couldn’t write or read a word. I remember seeing him bring documents for Mothr to read and interpret and pen his replies. He was the first person I ever saw make an X mark for his signature. Mother wrote his name afterward and witnessed it. I was filled with awe that a person had never attended school. Mother filled out his income tax returns for him every year.
Uncle Albert was very shrewd in his accounts, despite his lack of education. He handled his business affairs skillfully, requiring no assistance. He was a skilled trader. I remember hearing him tell Daddy how he left the house one morning with a goat to barter and after several trades, came home with a shotgun and box of shells. I never knew him to hold public employment. He farmed forty acres more than fifty years, providing a living for him and his wife. He paid cash, bartered, or did without. The whole time I knew him, he drove a nineteen forty-eight Ford pickup truck. He and Aunt Jewel smoked Prince Albert Tobacco and rolled their own cigarettes when money was tight, and bought Raleigh cigarettes when they were flush. Aunt Jewel saved Raleigh Cigarette coupons for prizes. From time to time, she’d show off a fancy vase or pair of pillowcases. . I never knew of them being without cigarettes of some sort.
Daddy was always honored when Uncle Albert and Aunt Jewel came to visit. One evening, Mother cooked our favorite, fried chicken. We never got enough of her fried chicken, particularly the crisp scrambles of flour that dropped off during the frying. Knowing this, Mother scraped up every crisp bit and put it on the platter with the chicken. After the chicken was devoured, she divided those scrambles among the kids. They were delicious, a highly anticipated treat. That evening, the chicken platter passed from on end of the table to the other several times. Uncle Albert liked Mother’s chicken, too. As he forked the last piece, the unthinkable happened. He tipped the platter up and poured all those beautiful scrambled bits onto his plate. Our eyes were huge with horror. Surely he hadn’t just scooped up all the best all for himself! He had! Mother shushed us with a look as he noisily crunched and chomped through the pile. A more heartbreaking sound was never heard. In just a few seconds, he finished off our stolen treat, then burped his appreciation, wiped his mouth, leaned back his chair and remarked, “That’s the best part of the chicken. I ain’t never got enough.”
we knew just how he felt.
Coping with DID: “I love All of You” — Art by Rob Goldstein
Dissociative identity disorder is as a childhood onset, complex-post traumatic disorder in which the child is unable to consolidate a unified sense of self. Detachment from emotional and physical pain during repeated traumatic events results in alterations in the way the brain encodes memory. This leads to fragmentation and gaps in memory. Exposure to repeated […]
via Coping with DID: “I love All of You” — Art by Rob Goldstein
Poor Uncle Joe was dying. No doubt about it. He’d been in bed for days, getting weaker and weaker. Family “sat” with him around the clock. Cousin Frank who’d been sitting for hours, finally just had to slip out to the bathroom. Uncle Joe opened his eyes for the first time in days. He smelled apple pie. He was hungry!! He just had to have some pie.
“Sally. Sally” No answer. That pie was calling him. With his last strength, he slid out of bed, so weak he melted to the floor. Creeping on hands and knees, he finally made it down the long hall to the kitchen. As he pulled up to the table and reached for the pie, Aunt Sally turned and smacked his hand, “Leave that alone, you old goat! That’s for the funeral!”