Crazy Charlsie Part 21

Bobby scooped up an empty can for worms as they headed for the manure pile back of the barn.  The fat, pink earthworms frantically tried to  tunnel deeper into their happy home as the boys plucked them out with their bare hands.

“Wouldn’t you hate to be a worm and have to live in …”laughed Charley.  “ I wonder if horse, cow, chicken, or hog …..is the best.”

“Judging by the smell, hog ….. must be the best.  Flies just love that stuff.  They act like it’s dinner on the grounds.  They flies right by cow pies and horse flop to git to it.  I hope I don’t ever wake up an’ find out I’m a fly,”  remarked Freddy as they picked up worms.

”How ‘bout being a worm?  You’d have to live in it and eat it.”  Charley reminded him.  “And the fish just gobble up them nasty worms like they was fried chicken.”

”Then we eat the fish that loves them nasty worms.  I guess folks ain’t the pickiest, neither.  Look how Daddy  saves up this manure for his garden, just like it’s pure gold.  It don’t make no sense, does it?  Seems like it’d save time to learn to like manure,” Freddy quipped.

””You go ahead.  I’m gonna try for some fish,” said Charley.  “Look, the cats beat us down here.  and got our fishing spot.”  Bubbles and her half-grown kittens lay on their bellies on a wide log extending into the deeper water.    All three lay flat on their bellies.  Bubbles lay with a paw stretched out peering intently into the still water.  Seconds later, she adroitly dipped down, scooping up a minnow.  She batted the flopping fish a time or two before the kittens jumped on it.  In typical cat manner, the kittens tussled with it till they got all the good out of it, finally chowing  down when it gave up the ghost.  Bubbles seemed pleased when they both stretched out with a paw extended over the water.  She let them try a time or two before snagging another minnow for herself, just to show them how it was done.  When one of the kittens lost interest and tried to walk off, Bubbles cuffed him back to his lesson.

“Would you look at that!”  Charley laughed.  It’s just like they was in fishing school.”

”Yeah, farm cats have to earn their own livin’.  If you feed’em good an’ let ‘em lay up in the house, they might not learn to hunt.  They keep the snakes and rats down real good.  Bubbles was raised outside, but Mama lets her come and go, now, as she pleases.  We don’t never have to worry ‘bout no mouse turds in our sugar.  Bubbles is a good cat.  She just works for a little cream.”  Freddy told Charley.

 

 

Crazy Charlsie Part 20

The heavy meal in the heat of the day soon had them all nodding. Bessie stacked the dishes and put them in steaming water to soak.  Covering the leftovers with a cotton tablecloth she left them for a cold supper.  No woman heated the house up in the late afternoon by building another fire in the stove. Enough is enough! “You menfolk  can find you a cool spot and catch a little snooze. I’m gonna lay on my bed awhile. Freddy, you got to git Miss Cora’s hen took care of before Dr. Charles is ready to go. I don’t mean for you to keep ‘im waiting.  Be sure you take her a good piece outback of the chicken yard.  I don’t want my layers upset.” Hanging her apron on the icebox door handle, she went to the bedroom just off the kitchen, lowerdnthe shades a bit, and hung her cotton house dress before an open window to air. After dusting herself with scented talcum and folding the quilt back, she slipped under the sheet. A lazy breeze ruffled her dress against the window shade, giving the illusion of cool.  Knowing they couldn’t be seen from the road, Robert and Charles stripped down to their undershirts to take their ease in wooden rocking chairs in the deep shade of the front porch, chatting till first one, then the other nodded off. Bobby went home to rest till they were ready to go back to work.

“Come on Charley. I ain’t layin’ around takin’ no nap with the old folks. I better git that chicken took care of.” Freddy said, leading Charley to a coop In the chickenyard.  Charley had seen chickens “took care of” many times, but still found it macabrely fascinating. The suspicious hen puffed her plumage, pecked Freddy’s hand and threatened him with a scratchy “brock, brock, brock!” Unperturbed by the promised violence, Freddy grabbed her legs and pulled her out to meet her maker.

Ignoring his mother’s instructions to “git her away from the chickenyard before you kill her,” Freddy did the job on the spot, grasping the luckless hen firmly by the neck and giving her body a whirl, snapping her neck, instantly.  When he dropped her, the poor hen’s brain hadn’t gotten the message yet.  She made a few wild circles around the chicken yard in a bizarre dance with death, terrifying the sisterhood.  A necrophiliac rooster jumped her, enticed by her sensual moves.  The squawking hens fled, a couple escaping over the fence, into the trees.  “Mama ain’t gonna be happy about them hens running loose.  I’ll be pluckin’ ‘em out of the trees once the sun goes down.  This ain’t good.”

Eventually, they got back to work on the hen.  Freddy chopped off her head and plunged her in the black washpot full of boiling water.  They plucked her clean before delivering her to Bessie.

”I seen my hens up in them trees.  You kilt that hen right slap-dab in the middle of ‘em, didn’t you?  I bet half of ‘em ain’t gonna lay tomorrow.  If I run short a’eggs, you gonna be the one doin’ without.  I swear, when you git grown, I’m gonna come to your house an’ scare your hens out of layin’.  Just git  on out’a here.  I knows you wantin’ To slip off fishin.”  Bessie grumbled on as the boys grabbed the gear.

 

My Favorite Joke

Nutsrok

The crowds had been packing the traveling tent revival every night that week, grateful offerings filling the pockets of the evangelist. Cure after cure was enacted in the sweltering heat of those July evenings. Emotions were at an all time high on the last night as the last two afflicted souls reached the evangelist at the front of the tent.

Struggling up the steps on her crutches poor Mrs. Smith hobbled up to the evangelist. “Heal me! I haven’t been able to walk without crutches in twenty years.”

“Yes, Sister! You will be healed! Go behind that curtain and wait with the others waiting for healing.” Mrs. Smith slowly and painfully made her way behind the curtain.

Johnny Jones was the last in line. “I have a lifth. It hath made my life awful. Pleath heal me of my lifth!”

“Yes, Brother! You will be healed! Go behind the curtain…

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Warm Welcome

The best part of being a nurse was getting to know the patients.  Most days brought a surprise.  Late one afternoon I was hurrying to return a patient to his room after a treatment.  I helped him into his chair, wrapped him in a blanket, and zipped down the hall.  As always, I was in a bit of a hurry to get home to my children. I wheeled him into what I thought was his room only to find the bed already occupied by a little old lady. “Oh excuse me Ma’am. Wrong room!” I apologized.

“Just bring him right on in, Honey. I’ve been here quite a while!” We all got a good laugh out of that.

Hint for anyone in hospital. Always ask that your wheelchair seat be covered and be wrapped in a blanket when you leave your room. Wheel chair seats can be soiled and those halls get cold.

Oldies but Goodies

An older couple came out of a cafe on morning to find a police officer putting a ticket on a car whose meter had expired. Irate the man accosted him, “You Nazi Turd! Don’t you have any respect for yor elders.” The officer coolly wrote a second ticket for worn tires.

His wife jumped in, “You dog, if you didn’t have on that uniform, you wouldn’t have the nerve to face a real man.”

The insults continued on for several minutes, with the officer writing several more tickets till a bus pulled up to the corner and the elderly couple boarded.

 

Sometimes it’s good to be thought senile.
An Old couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.
Theiy’d married as childhood sweethearts and had
moved back to their old neighbourhood after retirement.

Holding hands they walked back to their old school.
I t was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk
they’d shared where Andy had carved ‘I love you, Sally.’

On their way back home, an armored truck whizzed by and a bag of money fell out, practically landing at their feet.
Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure
what to do with it, the two took it home.
There, she counted the money:
fifty-thousand dollars!

Andy said, ‘We’ve got to give it back.’

Sally said, ‘Finders keepers.’

She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood
looking for the money and knocked on the door.

‘Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag
that fell out of an armored car yesterday?’

Sally said, ‘No.’

Andy said, ‘She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.’

Sally said, ‘Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.’

The agents turn to Andy and questioned him.

One says: ‘Tell us the story from the beginning’

Andy said, ‘Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . ..’

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, ‘We’re outta here.’

Advertisements from long, long ago — relationship savers edition — bluebird of bitterness

via Advertisements from long, long ago — relationship savers edition — bluebird of bitterness

Oh my gosh,

Doctor Jokes

“Doctor, doctor!  Come quick. Little Johnny just swallowed a razor-blade.”
“Don’t panic, I’m coming immediately. Have you done anything yet?”
“Yea, I shaved with the electric razor.”

“Doctor, doctor, You’ve got to help me!  I just can’t stop my hands from shaking!”
“Uh oh!  Do you drink a lot?”
“I try, but I spill most of it!”

“Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?”
“Yes, of course…”
“Great! I never could before!”

A man speaks frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are five minutes apart!”
“Calm down.  Is this her first child?” the doctor queries.
“No, you idiot!” the man shouts. “This is her husband!”

Another Horrible Chicken Joke

One of my followers, Dave Lewis, sent me this! He obviously has no more pride than I do.

Mom and Dad were taking the kids on a drive to the lake when Dad spotted an animal running down the road ahead of them at a fast clip. So Dad speeds up to see what it was and sees that it’s a chicken with three legs going like hell.He stops when he spots a farmer and asks him about the chicken. The farmer tells him he raises them so he and his wife and son can all get a drumstick at supper time. How do they taste asks Dad? Don’t know says the farmer they’re so fast that I haven’t been able to catch one yet!

Crazy Charlsie Part 19

It wasn’t long before Robert and Bobby came in to find Bessie, apparently at her leisure, with Charles and Charley getting dinner on the table.  “Bessie, what in the world’s goin’ on?  Why is they cookin’ and you’ a settin?” Robert queried.  “Where’s Freddy?  I see the truck’s back an’ left the door standin’ open.”  Robert wasn’t the type to like seeing his truck door hanging open.

“I got popped with grease frying chicken and Dr. Charles made me set an’ keep a cool rag on it?  It’s some better bit it’s still painin’ me pretty good.”  She answered.  “I thought Freddy went after y’all.”

“No, we ain’t seen him.  Howdy, Dr. Charles.  I sure hate Bessie had to put you fellers to work.  Let me wash up an’ help you finish gittin’ dinner on the table.”  Robert was uncomfortable seeing Dr. Charles doing women’s work.

“No, just sit on down.  Charley can pour the tea while I check Bessie’s arm and then we can eat.”  As he unwrapped the arm, Freddy came up the back steps with an elderly neighbor.  Mr. Roscoe was well-known as a natural healer, frequently called in by neighbors to tend burns, stop bleeding, and cure headaches and snakebites.

“Mama, I fetched Mr. Roscoe.  Remember how he healed my foot when I stepped in them hot ashes?”

Robert and Bessie looked awkwardly between Dr. Charles and Mr. Roscoe, not wanting to offend either.  Seeing the doctor’s open medical bag, the ancient gentleman set them all at their ease.  “Looks like there ain’t no need, now.  I’ll just get on back to my plowing.”

“Oh no.  Don’t leave.  There’s more than one kind of healing.  The Good Lord gave us all different gifts.  It would be a sin not to use them.”  He unwrapped the blistered arm for Mr. Roscoe’s inspection.

Bessie sucked in a quick breath as the warm kitchen air hit it. “Ooh!  It still hurts purty bad.”

Mr. Roscoe gently cupped his wrinkled old hand over the burn and muttered a few words.  When he removed his hand, the redness was gone, though the blister remained.  “Now, you need to be sure to keep that wrapped in a clean cloth till that blister goes down.”

“It don’t hurt no more!  How did you do that?  What did you say?” Bessie asked.

“Just a little prayer.  The healing come from God.  My daddy had the gift, too.”  Mr. Roscoe answered.  “I guess I better git back to my plowing, now that’s done.”

“No, no! You gonna stay for dinner.  We got to eat up this here fried chicken that tried to cook Bessie.”  Robert said.  “Freddy, git him a plate and some ice tea while I git another chair.”

As soon as Robert said grace and were through passing the food around, Dr. Charles turned to Mr. Roscoe.  “I’ve always heard of faith healing, but never seen it.  That burn just faded out and now she has no pain.  How does that work?  Did you feel something or touch it?”

“I don’t know how it works.  I just know it does.  I don’t touch it.  I just pray over it and see it gittin’ better in my mind.  God worked through my daddy, too.  I got four brothers and two sisters and ain’t none of them been blessed with the gift.  Daddy got it from his grandma.  She got it from her mama.  There ain’t no way to tell how it goes down.  My mama had a headache one day when I was about thirteen.  Daddy had tried but couldn’t help her, so he told me to try.  Her headache was gone in a minute and never came back, though she’d suffered for years.” Mr. Roscoe explained.  “Sometimes the healing don’t happen.  It ain’t enough to just want to help.  I’ve learned not to try to heal ever’thing I am asked to.  If I don’t feel “the nudge,” it ain’t gonna do no good.  A few times I have felt “the nudge” and gone when I wasn’t asked. The first time, I woke up about four-thirty one morning and felt pushed to go to Homer Smith’s.  He’d just settled in with his family.  I hadn’t met him but once after a camp meeting.  I felt like a pure fool and didn’t want to go bustin’ in on nobody that time of morning, but I just couldn’t get no peace till I got up and headed over.  I figured I could just wait around outside a little bit an’ maybe tell if they was a problem.  Sure enough, when I got close, ever’ light was on.  I went up to speak to Homer when he come out to smoke just as Miz Presser, the midwife come out.  I heared her telling him his Janie was bleeding real bad after the baby an’ they was nothin’ she could do.  She said Pore Janie wasn’t gonna last long and that puny little baby probably ain’t gonna make it without no mama to nurse it.  They was gonna need the preacher fast.  Homer was crying like a baby, hisself.  He went back to Janie and I asked Miz Presser if it would be alright to see if I could stop Janie’s bleeding.  She asked Homer and he agreed, since they was nothin’ to lose.  I prayed over her an’ the bleedin’ stopped right off.  That boy is grown now with big ol’ young’uns of his own now.  I learned then don’t never say no to “the nudge.”

He paused before going on with his story.  “The hard thing is, I cain’t always help folks when things is bad.  I always go pray for ‘em, but sometimes I know to just pray for peace and relief of pain.  It sure is hard knowing ever’body cain’t be healed.  Folks can be awful hurt over that.”

“I feel that, too, Mr. Roscoe.  It sure hurts knowing you can’t do anything for a person’s body.  All that’s left is to hope you’ve been some comfort to them and the family.