Top 50 Jokes of All Time

“Many of the jokes in the list are fairly timeless and will still be making people chuckle in thirty years or more.”TOP 50 JOKES OF ALL TIME

1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ”Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ”The driver just insulted me!” The man says: ”You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

2. ”I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.”

3. ”Dyslexic man walks into a bra”

4. A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ”Shut up…you’re next!”

5. A classic Tommy Cooper gag ”I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, ”How flexible are you?” I said, ”I can’t make Tuesdays”, was fifth.

6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.

7. Two aerials meet on a roof – fall in love – get married. The ceremony was rubbish – but the reception was brilliant.

8. Another one was: Doc, I can’t stop singing the ‘Green Green Grass of Home’. He said: ‘That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome’. ‘Is it common?’I asked. ‘It’s not unusual’ he replied.

9. I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.

10. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ”Pint please, and one for the road.”

11. I went to the doctors the other day and I said, ‘Have you got anything for wind?’ So he gave me a kite.

12. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

13. I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, ”He’s trying to pull a fast one”.

14. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named ‘Amal.’ The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan’. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ”But they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”

15. There’s two fish in a tank, and one says ”How do you drive this thing?”

16. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

17. When Susan’s boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: ”I love the simple things in life, but I don’t want one of them for my husband”.

18. ”My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.”

19. I rang up British Telecom, I said, ”I want to report a nuisance caller”, he said ”Not you again”.

20. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs.

21. A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says ”I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything”

22. Slept like a log last night…….. Woke up in the fireplace.

23. A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ”Is this some kind of joke?”

24. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ”Sorry we don’t serve food in here”

25. The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said ”Did you get my drift?”.

26. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair.

27. Went to the paper shop – it had blown away.

28. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ”But why?” they asked, as they moved off. ”because,” he said ”I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

29. I was in Tesco’s and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, ”Are you two an item?”

30. I’m in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite……… one jar.

31. So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says ”Your eyes sparkle like diamonds”. I said, ”Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck”.

32. Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ”Oi – get out! We don’t want your type in here”

33. I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

34. There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

35. I went down the local supermarket, I said, ”I want to make a complaint, this vinegar’s got lumps in it”, he said, “Those are pickled onions”.

36. I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

37. I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said ”may contain nuts.” Well, YES! That’s what I bought the buggers for! You’d be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!”

38. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster

39. My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife’ll look at me and go, ”Who’s that calling at this time?’ ”I don’t know! If I knew that we wouldn’t need the bloody phone!”

40. I said to this train driver ”I want to go to Paris”. He said ”Eurostar?” I said, ”I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin”.

41. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.

42. I’ve got a friend who’s fallen in love with two school bags, he’s bisatchel.

43. You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he’s a catholic converter.

44. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ”I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

45. I tried water polo but my horse drowned.

46. I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

47. So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people’s pants, it was Wedgie Kray.

48. Went to the corner shop – bought 4 corners.

49. A seal walks into a club…

50. I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, ‘Go to Bournemouth, it’s great for flu’. So I went – and I got it.

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The Very Best of the Evening Jokes Just for You

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Patty was quietly minding her own business, eating her soup alone in her booth at a local eatery, when a voice startled her from behind.  It was the guy in the booth behind her.  “Not so loud!” he said.  “What?” she questioned, as she took another spoonful of soup.  “I said not so loud!” was his muffled reply.  Embarrassed at being told she was slurping her soup, she pushed away her bowl and started her grilled cheese sandwich.  “How was your day?” questioned the man from behind once again.  “Pretty good” responded Patty, confused that this stranger would care.  “Did you pass the exam?” came the next question from behind.  “I don’t know, I didn’t get my grade yet” replied a thoroughly bewildered Patty. “I’ll have to call you back when I’m out of here”, came the voice from behind once again, “some nut job is answering every question I ask you!”

Being Pregnant Joke

Tom and his wife Jenny were attending a class for parents to be.  “Husbands, today we are going to focus on you!” announced the instructor.  “I want you all to do the following activities as if you were the one pregnant.  This way you will see how difficult everyday activities become for the pregnant women, and you will leave with a greater appreciation for your pregnant wives.”

“Wow!  This is great!  Finally you’ll have a feeling for what I’ve been going through!”  Jenny excitedly said to Tom, as his stepped up for his assignment.

“Tom, I want you to pretend to cook dinner as if you were a tired out woman in her seventh month!”, ordered the instructor.

“Oh that’s simple” Tom confidently answered.  “I know exactly how I would do it…

Honey!” he hollered.  “Order us a pie of pizza for dinner tonight.  I’m too tired to cook

High Blood Pressure Joke

Sammy couldn’t take it anymore.  His wife Shirley had been nudging him for months to see the Doctor about his high blood pressure.  He had finally made the appointment simply because he couldn’t take it any longer.

As he walked in the front door after his appointment, an anxious Shirley was there waiting for him.  Bracing herself for the worst, she asked Sammy how the appointment went, as she nervously eyed the bottle of pills he had come home with.

“Everything’s fine”, Sammy happily told her.  All he gave me was this bottle of tranquilizers.”

“Tranquilizers?” asked a confused Shirley.  “I’ve never heard of them giving tranquilizers?!”

“Oh, they’re not for me,” Sammy triumphantly replied.  “They’re for you!”

 

At age 80, Sam was telling his good friend Harry about a book of memory tricks that he was reading.  “I’m telling you,” he exclaimed, “ever since I started reading the book, my memory has gotten better!”

“Wow!” responded an amazed Harry.  “What’s the title of the book?”

“Well,” said Sam ,after hesitating for a second. “You know that jewel that’s round and white, and comes from oysters….?” Asked Sam. “What’s it called again?” “A pearl?” answered Harry.

“That’s right,” said Sam.

“Pearl!” hollered Sam,  “what’s that book of memory tricks I’ve been reading called?  Harry wants to see it!”

 

Judgment In Heaven Joke

Sam was standing at the gates of heaven, having just died moments before.  “Why aren’t I being let in?” asked Sam upon seeing the concerned look on the angel’s face.  “Well, to tell you the truth, according to these papers, it seems like you don’t really belong here,” replied the angel.  “I’ll tell you what I can do for you though,” the merciful angel said.  “Has there ever been a time when you saved someone’s life?  That should be enough to get you into here.”  “Yes!” Sam eagerly responded.  “Once I was sitting at the beach when I heard faint screams and saw a head bobbing up and down in the water.  I ran as fast as I could into the waters even though I couldn’t swim, just so I could save the guy’s life.  As I neared him, I felt the waters getting deeper and deeper, but I told myself to just keep on going so I could save the guy.”  “When did this happen?” asked the impressed angel.  “Oh, a just a few seconds ago”, responded Sam.

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Playing Hooky Joke

The local high school has a policy that the parents must call the school if a student is to be absent for the day. Kelly, deciding to skip school and go to the mall with her friends waited until her parents had left for work and called the school herself. This is the actual conversation of the telephone call.

Kelly: “Hi, I’m calling to report that Kelly so-and-so is unable to make it to school today because she is ill.

Secretary at high school: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. I’ll note her absence. Who is this calling?”

Kelly: “This is my mother.”

 

Smart Teen Joke

The cop got out of his car and the kid, who was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.

“I’ve been waiting for you all day,” the cop said.

The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.”

Community Service Joke

One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.

Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. “Dear,” said the mother diplomatically, “he doesn’t seem very nice.”

“Oh please, Mom,” replied the daughter, “if he wasn’t nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”