All You Need to Know to Get Along with a Man/Woman

The Real Definition of Words When Used By Women

JOKES - Differences Between Men and Woman

  1. Fine – I am right. This argument is over. You need to shut up.
  2. That’s Okay – One of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. “That’s okay” means she wants to think hard and long before deciding when and how you’ll pay for your mistake.
  3. Nothing – The calm before the storm. This means “Something” and you better be on your toes. Note: Arguments that start with “Nothing” usually end with “Fine” (See #1).
  4. Five Minutes – If getting dressed, this means half an hour. (Don’t be mad about this. It’s the same definition for you when it’s your turn to do some chores around the house.)
  5. Thanks – A woman is thanking you. Do not question this or faint. Just say, “You’re welcome,” and let it go.
  6. Loud Sigh – Not actually a word but rather a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. It means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is standing here wasting her time arguing with you about “Nothing.” (See #3)
  7. Go Ahead – This is a dare, not permission. (Don’t Do It!)
  8. Don’t worry about it, I got it – The second most dangerous statement a woman can make. It means that a woman has asked a man several times to do something and is now doing it herself. (This will result in you asking at a later date, “What’s wrong?” For the woman’s response, see #3.)

 

Differences Between Man and Women

Names

If Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara.

If John, Brad, Tony and Daniel go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bruno, Scrappy, Peanut-Head and Godzilla.

Eating Out

When the bill arrives, John, Brad, Tony and Daniel will each throw in $20, even though the total is only $34.25. None of them will have any smaller bills and none will admit they want change back.

When Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

Money

A man will pay $10 for a $5 item he needs.

A woman will pay $5 for a $10 item that she doesn’t need, because it’s on sale.

Bathrooms

JOKES - Differences Between Men and Woman

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, razor, shaving cream, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Motel 6.

The average number of items in a woman’s bathroom is 328. The average man would not be able to identify most of them.

Arguments

Women always have the last word in an argument. Anything a man adds after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Cats

Women love cats.

Men may say they love cats, but when women are not looking, will men kick cats.

Future

A woman worries about the future — until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future — until he gets a wife.

Success

A successful man is one who makes more money than can be spent by his wife.

A successful woman is one who can find that a man.

Marriage

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.

Dressing Up

A woman will dress up when she goes shopping, empties the garbage, answers the phone, waters the plants, gets the mail and reads a book.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

Natural

Men wake up looking as good as when they went to bed.

Women will somehow deteriorate during the night.

Children

A woman knows all about her children. She knows about their best friends, romances, secret hopes and dreams, favorite foods, fears and dental appointments.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Thought for the Day

Married men should forget their mistakes. There is no need for two people to remember the same thing.

 

Te Be Six Again

You really have to give this guy an A+ for effort.

George was a thoughtful husband. He wanted to give his wife something special for her birthday which was coming up soon. As he sat on the edge of the bed, he watched his wife turning back and forth and looking at herself in the mirror. “Reta,” he said, “What would you like for your birthday?”

His wife continued to look at herself and said, “I’d like to be six again.”

George knew just what to do. On the big day, he got up early and made his wife a bowl of Fruit Loops. Then he took her to an amusement park where they rode all the rides. Five hours later, Reta’s stomach felt upside down and her head was reeling. Never the less, George took her to McDonald’s and bought her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Next, it was a movie with popcorn, soda and her favorite candy.

As Reta wobbled into the house that evening and flopped on the bed, George asked her, “Well, Dear, what was it like to be six again?”

Reta looked up at him. Her expression changed. She said, “I meant my dress size!”

 

Why Men Are Happier

Men can play with toys all their life.

Men can wear shorts no matter what their legs look like.

Men have one wallet and one pair of shoes which are good for every season.

Men can choose whether or not to grow a mustache.

Men can “do” their fingernails with a pocket knife.

Men’s bellies usually hide their large hips.

Chocolate is just another snack.

The whole garage belongs to them.

Weddings take care of themselves.

Men’s last name never changes.

Everything on a man’s face stays its original color.

Men only have to shave their faces and necks.

Men can keep the same hairstyle for years, even decades.

Men can do their Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on Christmas Eve in 25 minutes.

For men, wrinkles add character.

Men can go on a week’s vacation and pack only one suitcase.

Men’s new shoes don’t cause blisters, or cut or mangle their feet.

Men don’t have to stop and think which way to turn a screw.

Men have one mood all the time.

A wedding dress cost $5000. A tuxedo rental – 100 bucks

Men can open all their own jars.

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100 Things You Need to Know to Get Along with a Man/Woman

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George Carlin Quote

Women are crazy. Men are stupid. The main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

 

Creation Order Joke

God made man before woman so the man would have time to think of an answer for the woman’s first question.

 

Men, you may think you have a command of the English language, but when it comes to communicating with women, you may be surprised. Here is our dictionary of Womanese. Master these terms and you’ll find your relationship with women greatly improved.

The Real Definition of Words When Used By Women

JOKES - Differences Between Men and Woman

  1. Fine – I am right. This argument is over. You need to shut up.
  2. That’s Okay – One of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. “That’s okay” means she wants to think hard and long before deciding when and how you’ll pay for your mistake.
  3. Nothing – The calm before the storm. This means “Something” and you better be on your toes. Note: Arguments that start with “Nothing” usually end with “Fine” (See #1).
  4. Five Minutes – If getting dressed, this means half an hour. (Don’t be mad about this. It’s the same definition for you when it’s your turn to do some chores around the house.)
  5. Thanks – A woman is thanking you. Do not question this or faint. Just say, “You’re welcome,” and let it go.
  6. Loud Sigh – Not actually a word but rather a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. It means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is standing here wasting her time arguing with you about “Nothing.” (See #3)
  7. Go Ahead – This is a dare, not permission. (Don’t Do It!)
  8. Don’t worry about it, I got it – The second most dangerous statement a woman can make. It means that a woman has asked a man several times to do something and is now doing it herself. (This will result in you asking at a later date, “What’s wrong?” For the woman’s response, see #3.)

 

Differences Between Man and Women

Names

If Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara.

If John, Brad, Tony and Daniel go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bruno, Scrappy, Peanut-Head and Godzilla.

Eating Out

When the bill arrives, John, Brad, Tony and Daniel will each throw in $20, even though the total is only $34.25. None of them will have any smaller bills and none will admit they want change back.

When Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

Money

A man will pay $10 for a $5 item he needs.

A woman will pay $5 for a $10 item that she doesn’t need, because it’s on sale.

Bathrooms

JOKES - Differences Between Men and Woman

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, razor, shaving cream, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Motel 6.

The average number of items in a woman’s bathroom is 328. The average man would not be able to identify most of them.

Arguments

Women always have the last word in an argument. Anything a man adds after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Cats

Women love cats.

Men may say they love cats, but when women are not looking, will men kick cats.

Future

A woman worries about the future — until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future — until he gets a wife.

Success

A successful man is one who makes more money than can be spent by his wife.

A successful woman is one who can find that a man.

Marriage

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.

Dressing Up

A woman will dress up when she goes shopping, empties the garbage, answers the phone, waters the plants, gets the mail and reads a book.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

Natural

Men wake up looking as good as when they went to bed.

Women will somehow deteriorate during the night.

Children

A woman knows all about her children. She knows about their best friends, romances, secret hopes and dreams, favorite foods, fears and dental appointments.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Thought for the Day

Married men should forget their mistakes. There is no need for two people to remember the same thing.

 

Te Be Six Again

You really have to give this guy an A+ for effort.

George was a thoughtful husband. He wanted to give his wife something special for her birthday which was coming up soon. As he sat on the edge of the bed, he watched his wife turning back and forth and looking at herself in the mirror. “Reta,” he said, “What would you like for your birthday?”

His wife continued to look at herself and said, “I’d like to be six again.”

George knew just what to do. On the big day, he got up early and made his wife a bowl of Fruit Loops. Then he took her to an amusement park where they rode all the rides. Five hours later, Reta’s stomach felt upside down and her head was reeling. Never the less, George took her to McDonald’s and bought her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Next, it was a movie with popcorn, soda and her favorite candy.

As Reta wobbled into the house that evening and flopped on the bed, George asked her, “Well, Dear, what was it like to be six again?”

Reta looked up at him. Her expression changed. She said, “I meant my dress size!”

 

Why Men Are Happier

Men can play with toys all their life.

Men can wear shorts no matter what their legs look like.

Men have one wallet and one pair of shoes which are good for every season.

Men can choose whether or not to grow a mustache.

Men can “do” their fingernails with a pocket knife.

Men’s bellies usually hide their large hips.

Chocolate is just another snack.

The whole garage belongs to them.

Weddings take care of themselves.

Men’s last name never changes.

Everything on a man’s face stays its original color.

Men only have to shave their faces and necks.

Men can keep the same hairstyle for years, even decades.

Men can do their Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on Christmas Eve in 25 minutes.

For men, wrinkles add character.

Men can go on a week’s vacation and pack only one suitcase.

Men’s new shoes don’t cause blisters, or cut or mangle their feet.

Men don’t have to stop and think which way to turn a screw.

Men have one mood all the time.

A wedding dress cost $5000. A tuxedo rental – 100 bucks

Men can open all their own jars.

Joke of the Day

funny-cartoonFirst woman in space: “Houston, we have a problem.” What? “Never mind.” What’s the problem? “Nothing.” Please tell us. “I’m fine.”First woman in space: “Houston, we have a problem.” What? “Never mind.” What’s the problem? “Nothing.” Please tell us. “I’m fine.”

GOD said, “Adam, I want you to do something for me.” “Gladly, Lord,” replied Adam. “What do you want me to do?” “Go down into the valley.” “What’’s a valley?” asked Adam. God explained to him, then said, Cross the river.” “What’’s a river?” God explained it to him, and then continued, “Go over the hill…”. “What’’s a hill?” God explained to Adam what a hill was, then said, “On the other side of the hill, you will find a cave.” “What’’s a cave?” After God explained, he said, “In the cave you will find a woman.” Adam asked, “What’’s a woman?” So God explained that to him too. He continued, “I want you to reproduce.” “How do I do that?” “Jeez,” God muttered under his breath. He then sighed and explained the birds and the bees to Adam. He liked that concept very much, so he went down into the valley, across the river, over the hill and into the cave where he found a woman.” A little while later, Adam returned and asked God, “What’’s a headache?”

The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, “You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly.” On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, “Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?” “Yes”, the boy’s mother answered. “And how is your son now?” the psychiatrist asked. “Who cares?” the mother replied.

A man and a woman are lying in bed, watching the ceiling and keep quiet. What are they thinking? The woman thinks, “He’s quiet. He doesn’t want to talk. May be he’s get tired of me. He doesn’t love me anymore. He’s probably got someone else. He will be leaving me soon.”

The man thinks, “A fly. A fly on the ceiling. Wow! How does it stay up there.”