Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Guest Comedian and Egyptian Mummies, Vaseline and Engineers!

Check out this post on Smorgasbord.

Smorgasbord Blog Magazine

Guest Comedian.

Delighted that Linda Bethea responded to my invitation to share some of her favourite jokes with us and she has kindly contributed the first two.. If you have some you would like to contribute with a credit… then please email sally.cronin@moyhill.com

Linda is an author in the bookstore

Linda Bethea, Buy:https://www.amazon.com/Linda-Swain-Bethea/e/B01N5HA5C1
Blog:https://nutsrok.wordpress.com/

Linda bethea two51qb8fm4dqL._AC_US240_QL65_

The crowds had been packing the traveling tent revival every night that week, grateful offerings filling the pockets of the evangelist. Cure after cure was enacted in the sweltering heat of those July evenings. Emotions were at an all time high on the last night as the last two afflicted souls reached the evangelist at the front of the tent.

Struggling up the steps on her crutches poor Mrs. Smith hobbled up to the evangelist. “Heal me! I haven’t been able to walk without crutches in twenty years.”

“Yes, Sister! You will be healed!…

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Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Hysterical Historical inaccuracies – and other mistakes..

Smorgasbord Blog Magazine

Last year I shared some schoolboy howlers from a 1988 book compiled by William Cooke.. here is another selection. These are actual answers in school exams.

Here is a selection that might tickle your fancy…or float your boat..

In the classroom

The brain increases in size at puberty to hold emotions.

The cost of living is rising with youngsters having to spend more money on essentials like pop records (nothing new in history).

Veronica was absent with permission because her sister had a baby. Please thank the headmaster very much.

Give one word for ‘a man with two wives’ – A Pigamist!

There is one major sports centre – everything can be done here@ Judo, karate and all other marital arts.

Ooh la la

Je suis fiance. C’est la guerre – I am engaged to a gorilla

Saucisses – Saucy girls.

Name a French winter sport – Bog-slaying

The Louvre…

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It Couldn’t Be Helped

L

The picture above captures a frequent expression of Mother’s, usually after she has just opened her mouth and put her foot in it.

I am doing a post on crazy things my mother has said and done.  Mother was always a delightful ditz.  With a demanding husband and five wild kids it’s a wonder any thing ever went right.  After a fiasco, she’d often say, “It couldn’t be helped.”  She’s just turned ninety and is a real dynamo.  She goes to the gym twice a week, has a yard full of flowers, still drives, and is very active in her church, community, and the matriarch of a large family.  We all love telling the stories of her crazy escapades.

1.  She left her lights on, ran her car battery down, and asked a nice young police officer to “jack her off.”  She wasn’t arrested.

2.She doesn’t like it when someone asks how tall she is, so replies either, “How much do you weigh?  or How much money do you have?”  By the way, she is not tall.

3.  She once crashed  a wedding in cut off blue jeans, sitting in the first row on the bride’s side.  The family was not friendly.

4.  She was once locked in a museum and had to be rescued by the fire department, climbing over the fence on their ladder.

5.  She was locked in Windsor Castle. More on that later.

6.  She rolled up a car window up on a camel’s lip.  These things happen.

7.  She made change in the offering plate at church and came out twenty dollars ahead.

8.  She lost her bra at church one Sunday.  She never could explain that!

9,  When two intruders broke in her house, she made one of them help her into her robe before she would talk to them.  She gave them eleven dollars, telling them, “That’s enough!” They thanked her when they left, telling her to “have a nice day.”  She told the police officers later, “They were polite and had been raised right.”  Go figure.

10.  She threatened a rapist in her own living room.

11. She won’t say “Bull.”  That sounds crude.  She substitutes “male cow.”

I still don’t have the nerve to say “damn” in front of her.  God knows she tried to raise me right.

I decided to flesh these delightful stories after first clarifying.  Mother’s mind is not going.  Lots of these stories go back many years.  She’s a delight to be around and keeps family and friends in stitches, most often without meaning to.

#1.  “Officer can you jack me off?”

Mother is prissy to the point of being prudish, exchewing vulgar terms such as “butt” and “pee.”Dern” is as bad as it gets, except for one time I heard her say “Damn”  when she raised up under and open cabinet door. Life presents challenges for a kid growing up with such a restrictive vocabulary.  I have to admit, however, she may have had a closed-head injury when she said it.

Any way, Mother made her way to the local mall for lunch and an afternoon of shopping with her frinnds.  Much later she returned to her car and found a dead battery, courtesy of the lights she’d left on.  I suspect she may have said “Dern!”

Donning her best poor stranded woman look, she flagged down a Police Officer, asking if he could jack her off using her best Minnie Mouse squeak.  Maybe he ihad a grandma, but she didn’t get arrested.  (To be continued)  Note link to youtube channel below to see her.

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC0HAKC-qt-tJu7qWJLNgSYg

Best Cat Cartoons and Jokes of the Day

 

can opener1can opener2can opener 3can opener 5can opener 4Funny quotes about cat owners

  • “You can keep a dog; but it is the cat who keeps people, because cats find humans useful domestic animals.”- George Mikes
  • “There are few things in life more heart warming than to be welcomed by a cat.” – Tay Hohoff
  • “The trouble with sharing one’s bed with cats is that they’d rather sleep on you than beside you.”- Pam Brown
  • As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat. – Ellen Perry Berkeley
  • “My husband said it was him or the cat…I miss him sometimes.” – Unknown

 

Read more: http://therealowner.com/humor/funny-quotes-about-cats-and-cat-owners/#ixzz3sSJa4CMV

Company’s Coming

Reblogged from Vanbytheriver. She’s been in my head again.

vanbytheriver

Clean all the things.

Make it look like no one is living here.

Why do we do this to ourselves and pass it on from generation to generation?

My grandmother did it. My mother did it. Now, sadly, my daughter is doing it.

She sent me this clip with the note “this is me…every. single. time.”

I sent her an apology.

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What the Heck! Old People Don’t Get Married!

Reblog of an old post.  Original art by Kathleen Swain who is now 87.  This is her story.

Nutsrok

Wuppin' Mama0006Cousin Katie got married!  What the heck!  Old people don’t married. An old man and his old, old grouchy mama came to visit.   I was only four in 1932 and got this news, like most of life’s important information, from my favorite eavesdropping post under the table. I pretended to play with my paper dolls as Mama and Katie drank coffee and learned Katie

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Little Miracles: What happened to me last Sunday

I know just how this writer feels. I often wonder if my stories are worth telling. I want to hear hers.  Reblogged from Healing My Complex PTSD

Surviving Trauma

2012-Nov-15-FaiTh-630— — —

Down an isolated highway
through fallow wheat and cotton fields
past dairy farms
and herds of grazing cattle
I drove aimlessly
under an overcast sky
with no destination in mind
a tank half full of gas
I was driving
just to be driving

I would rather be home
sitting at my desk, writing
but my writing seems to be
going nowhere
and I am deeply discouraged

Why am I here? I wonder
What is my purpose in life
if not to write?

I come to a crossroads
now I’m not sure which way to go
maybe I should turn around
and head back home

Then I feel an urge
to take the road on the right
so I do
traveling down a highway
I’ve never driven on before

“Oh God!” I pray aloud
“Do I even matter to You
after all my sins?
Do You care about…

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