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If You Hate Your Job………

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Feed Sack Dresses

image image image image image image image image image imageClothing made from feed sacks was a great boon to the economy of the cash-strapped depression.  Farm wives eagerly collected and traded these pretty printed bags.  Three would make a nice ladies dress, provided the skirt was not too full.  Two would make a short-sleeved shirt for a man when plaids and stripes came in.  My mother was born deep in The Great Depression and remembers her mother showing the store-owner a scrap and asking him to  “Try to get me one more of this nice rose print if any come in.”  Crisply starched and ironed, they made sturdy, attractive dresses.  Fading was a problem.  Hems were deep so they could be let down.  Her mother frequently used rick-rack to conceal the fade line when the hem was dropped.  The tie belts at the waist made it possible to adjust for longer wear.

Underwear was made from the soft cotton flour bags.  As often as not, my grandmother used strips of rubber cut from inner tubes for elastic.  It was not unknown for the rubber to snap and bloomers drop to the floor, humiliating the wearer and delighting onlookers.  Fabric remnants went into a scrap bag to be made into patchwork quilts.

Ask Auntie Linda, Straight Talk From a Straight Shooter

Auntie LindaDear Auntie Linda, I have a dilemma.  My divorced, 34-year-old daughter, Gwen asked me to help move her and her three children to more than five hundred miles to California where she had taken a job as an apartment manager.  When we got to the address, Gwennie ‘fessed up that she was there to marry a 21 year old man she’d met online.  Of course, I was furious.  The man was shocked to find out about the three children.  I tried to talk Gwennie out of staying, but she was adamant.  Thank goodness, the children wanted no part of it and we left for home immediately.  Gwennie refused my calls for two weeks.  I got a call from her yesterday.  She is staying at a women’s shelter and wants me to send money for plane fare home.  I don’t have an extra dollar.  I would have to sell my car to raise plane fare and then I couldn’t get to work.  My thirteen-year-old granddaughter is looking after the two little ones since I can’t even afford a babysitter.  I wouldn’t be able to feed them without help from the foodbank and church.

Gwennie has always been a pathological liar.  I have no confidence that she is truthful now.  Am I wrong to refuse to help?  Worn out with Gwennie

Dear Worn out, Sounds like a good time for Gwennie to learn to manage for herself, especially since she is not believable.  If she is in a womens shelter, she should avail herself of their services.  You have your hands full caring for Gwennie’s children.  Your first responsibility is to them.  You might consider seeing if Children’s Service can offer you any financial help since their mother is out of the picture.  They may be eligible for benefits as dependent children.

Dear Auntie Linda, My husband’s sister Trudy is ten years older than I.  Neither she nor my mother-in-law has ever accepted me nor welcomed me to the family.  This year, Trudy gave me a sweater she claimed was hand-knitted for Christmas.  When I got home I found a manufacturer’s label in it.  She is self-righteous and critical of me, often snidely pointing out my inadequacies as a wife, mother, and housekeeper, saying, “This is how our family always does things.”  Should I mention that I found the label on the sweater?  It might shut her up.  My husband wants me to let it go in the name of peace, but I’d like her to know I know.  What should I do?  Snubbed

Dear Snubbed, Maybe you should wear it next time you see her and leave it where she can’t avoid seeing label.  Things like that happen sometimes when you are a little untidy.  Auntie Linda

If You Notice Someone With A Black Dot On The Palm, Call The Police!

Please read this

Angel 4 Light

If you ever see a person that has a black dot on the palm, you should call the police immediately. The black dot means that the person is in trouble. –

“Black Dot Campaign” started on Facebook and it’s a campaign to recognize the victims of domestic abuse. That simple black dot on their hand signifies a call for help.
Black Dot Campaign
By putting a black dot on their palms, victims of domestic violence can show that they’re in danger. So if you ever notice a person with a black dot on his/her palm, help this person and call the police.
“The black dot on the hand lets professionals know you’re a really vulnerable domestic violence survivor, and that you need help but can’t ask because your abuser is watching your every move. In just 24 hours, the campaign has reached over 6,000 people worldwide, and has already helped…

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Funny New Year’s Resolutions

image image image image image image image image image imageI resolve to work with neglected children. (my own).
I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.
When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, “LOL… LOL!”
I will not ring the stewardess button on airplanes just to get her phone number.
I will balance my checkbook. (on my nose).
I will think of a password for my computer other than “password.”
I will try to figure out why I “really” need 11 e-mail addresses.
I will go into McDonald”s and order a McSpreader
I will go into McDonald”s and order a McSlurry
I will find out why the correspondence course on “Mail Fraud” that I purchased never showed up.

Ask Auntie Linda, Straight Talk from a Straight Shooter

Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, Reggie and I have been seeing each other off and on for a year.  He says he doesn’t love me, but I know he does.  Every time he leaves me, he ends up coming back to cry on my shoulder.  Why would he keep coming back if he didn’t love me?  The sex is wonderful, but we he never stays long afterward.  I want a real relationship and want to meet his family and friends, but he says he’s not ready for that.  I was offered a job in another city, but he has told me not to take it or I won’t see him any more.  I really hate to turn the job down, but am willing to if Reggie will commit.    I want him more than anything.  Do you think if I gave him an ultimatum, it would make a difference?  In Love

Dear In Love, if Reggie says he doesn’t love you, he doesn’t.  You are fooling yourself.  He keeps coming back when he needs sex with no commitment or investment.  Do yourself a favor and get rid of him, whether or not you take the new job.  Don’t waste anymore time on a man who has no interest in you beyond sex.  You deserve better.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  My step-brother and I got reacquainted at my stepfather’s funeral after not seeing each other except rarely since I was thirteen and he was twenty.  He lived with his mother in Nebraska and I lived with my mother and stepfather in Indiana and our paths didn’t cross a lot.   When I got a job in New York City, we became friends.  Since then, we’ve fallen for each other.  My mother hit the ceiling when We told her we plan to marry.  She says it’s not decent and says she will be ashamed to tell any of her friends.  She says people will think we were carrying on since we were kids in the house together.  I have reminded her that we hardly knew each other, but she said it is disgusting.  I love my mother, but she is very manipulative and difficult.  I feel she is wrong to put roadblocks in our path.  She also threatened to disown my sister when she married outside my mother’s faith, even though it was not my sister’s faith.  She became resigned to that marriage, though she is not warm to my brother-in-law.  Is there any reason we shouldn’t marry?  Two-steps

Dear Two-steps,  There is no reason you shouldn’t marry.  People will think what they want, but you don’t owe anyone explanations.  Chances are, your mother would offer objections no matter who you choose to marry.  You will just have to decide for yourself, but her objections don’t sound credible.  Auntie Linda

 

Pretty Good Jokes From Prairie Home Companion

 

image imageDoctor, do you realize you have a suppository behind your ear!
I know, and somebody’s got my pen and I’m not sure I want it back.

I wrote a single entendre but it wasn’t funny at all, so I put two of them together…if you know what I mean.

A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy said, “Mommy, I have to pee.” The mother said to the little boy, “It’s not appropriate to say the word ‘pee’ in church. So, from now on whenever you have to ‘pee’ just tell me that you have to ‘whisper.'”
The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, “Daddy, I have to whisper.” The father looked at him and said, “Okay, whisper in my ear.”

Management was trying to make us a paperless office and then they gave us a paperless bathroom.
Because the manager was a very constipated accountant and he just couldn’t budge it.

A man walked into work on Monday with a black eye. His boss asked what happened.
The man said, “I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and glared at me.”
“Where did you get the shiner?” the boss asked.
“Well,” the man said, “I figured she didn’t want it out, so I pushed it back in.”

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked, ‘Crushed nuts?’
‘No, arthritis.’

Why do Italian men have mustaches?
So they can look like their mothers.

Didja hear about the Italian mailman who was charged with sexual harassment? —-He was caught lookin uppa somebodies addressa.

What did God say after creating man? — He said, I can do better than this. —-

Why is divorce so expensive? —–Because it’s worth it.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can’t stand criticism.

Once there was a woman’s brain cell that got trapped in a man’s head. She looked around and saw that the whole thing was empty. She called, “Hello, is anyone there? Hello?” Suddenly she heard voices from far away, “We’re down here…” Men are all alike, they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
But don’t get me wrong. Men are good. They can multitask—- I mean, they read on the toilet.

Why do women knit?
It gives them something to think about when they’re talking.

How many men does it take to change a lightbulb ? —– None. Men don’t change lightbulbs; they think they can turn them on just by rubbing up against them. ——Did you know that studies show that a woman is turned on by different things, depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. If she is ovulating, she is attracted to strong men with rugged masculine features. And if she is just about to menstruate, she is more attracted to a man with a knife in his chest and tape over his mouth while he is on fire.

Did you know there are female hormones in beer?
When you drink beer, you argue over trivial things, don’t make any sense, start to cry and you lose your ability to drive.

A man thanked God for giving him a wife and he asked God, “Why did you make her so beautiful?”
The Lord said, “So you could love her, my son.”
The man said, “But why did you make her so stupid?”
“So she could love you, my son.”

Marriage is like a deck of cards.
You start out with two hearts and a diamond; and you end up wishing you had a club & spade!
Do you really believe your husband when he tells you he goes fishing every weekend? Maybe he is having an affair.
I know he’s fishing because he never comes back with any fish…

Marriage and death are two different things. They are very different.
When you’re dead, you don’t wish that you were married.

How many optimists does it take to change a light bulb?
Who says it’s dark?

How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb? 50.
50?!!!!
Yeah, 50! Read the contract.

How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes a lot of light bulbs!

How many Yale graduates does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to mix the martinis and one to call the electrician.

How many Boy Bands does it take to change a lightbulb?
We don’t know – lightbulbs last longer than most Boy Bands!

Very Best Laughs of the Day

Jokes from Prairie Home Companion Joke Show

What does your father do for a living?
He is a magician. He cuts people in two.
Do you have any brothers or sisters?
Yes, one half-brother and one half-sister….

Adam and Eve were naming animals. Adam saw a big creature with a horn on its face and said, “What shall we call this one?”
“Why don’t we call it a rhinoceros”?
“But, why?”
“Because it looks more like a rhinoceros than anything we’ve seen so far.”

Did you know Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz could have gone back home —- she did have a debit card with her? But there were no banks in Oz, that’s why she kept crying out “ATM! ATM!”

A man walks into a clock repair shop and the repairman is German and says: So? Vat sims to be ze problem?
It’s my grandfather clock. It doesn’t go ‘tick- tock-tick-tock’ anymore. Now it just goes ‘tick…tick…tick.
Mmm-Hm! I sink I can fix zis. Let me look inside. Ve haf vays of making you tock!

Three businessmen on a plane. First guy says, “That suit looks great on you. You must be a Harvard man.” Second guy says, “Yes, thank you. I did go to Harvard. And with that classy briefcase, I would guess that you went to Yale.” First guy says, “Yes, I am a Yale man.” They both look at the third guy, and they say, “You must have gone to University of Oklahoma.” Third guy says, “Why yes, I did. How could you tell?” “We saw your class ring when you picked your nose.”

It got cold in Minnesota and the nudist camp put out a sign, “We are open but we are clothed”.

There was a midget who joined a nudist colony but he was asked to leave because he kept poking his nose into everybody’s business.
They found a big hole in the wall around the nudist camp. The police are looking into it.

So the priest wanted to get away from his priesthood for an afternoon and he went to a nudist camp and a beautiful young woman walked up and said, “Hi Father.” He said, “How did you know it was me?” She said, “I’m Sister Catherine, remember?”

Please, help me. I haven’t eaten anything for days.
God, I wish I had your willpower.

Pablo Picasso surprised a burglar at work in his studio. The burglar got away, but Picasso told the police he could do a rough sketch of what he looked like. On the basis of his drawing, the police arrested a mother superior, a washing machine, and the Eiffel tower.

The man and wife walked out of divorce court in Mississippi and the man said, “Stop crying. So we got a divorce—–You’re still my cousin!”

So there was the robber who broke into the public radio station and stole a hundred thousand dollars worth of pledges.

A Baptist preacher and a priest sat next to each other on a plane. When the flight attendant asked what they’d like to drink, the priest said he’d like a glass of wine. The preacher asked for a soft drink saying Christians should avoid alcohol. The priest said, “Jesus drank wine.” The Baptist said, “I know and I would have thought a lot more of Him if he hadn’t.”

Ask me what’s the secret of comedy
OK, what’s the –
TIMING!__________________________