Funniest Christmas Lists

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Ask Auntie Linda, Straight Answers from a Straight Shooter

Auntie LindaDear Auntie Linda, I am a twelve-year-old girl.  My mother left me with my grandma when I was born.  I lived with her till she died.  After that, I had to move in with my mother’s older sister.  She has four kids in a small house and they don’t really have enough of anything to go around.  I don’t know how they’d make it without the money they get for taking care of me.  My cousin is seventeen and kind of snotty, but I love the three little boys.  My cousin Jody and I are supposed to be taking care of them when Aunt Cindy works nights at the nursing home but Jody usually disappears into her room or slips off with her boyfriend.  I do like the school and am doing well.  My mother showed up last week and wants me to move in with her.  I’ve always wanted to live with Mama, but am worried because she’s always off here and yonder, usually following a druggie boyfriend.  She says she and Bobby(the boyfriend) are going to get jobs and at a factory a couple of towns over and get a place so I can l live with them.  Bobby creeps me out, but maybe Mama can get a place for just us.  I’d have to change schools and don’t want to do that.  What should I do?  I am kind of scared to leave Aunt Cindy’s even if it is crowded.  Good Girl

Dear Good Girl,  It won’t hurt to stay at Aunt Cindy’s.  It’s safe even if its crowded.  Don’t put too much stock in Jody being snotty.  Sisters say the same thing about each other.  It’s a bad idea to move in your mother’s boyfriend’s house.  Give her a chance to get a job, work a while, and get a place of her own before you even consider it.  Life is very stressful and her situation is unsettled.  What’s the hurry, if you are okay?

Auntie Linda Dear Auntie Linda, I am seventy-four and have four children.  I live next door to my oldest.  The other three live a couple of hours away, so they don’t get over too often.  Louise, the oldest takes care of everything I can’t.  Her husband fixes my roof, changes the oil in my car, and treats me just like a mother.  I have very little money, so that won’t be an issue.  I do worry over how to divide my belongings.  How can I be fair and still express appreciation?  Poor Mama

Dear Poor,  Why not ask the daughter who helps the most if there’s anything she’d like to have before the rest is divided.  Let her pick one special thing.  If it’s something you can part with now, it might be good to let her have it now so you can see her enjoy it.  The others don’t have to know.  How you divide your things is your business.  Auntie Linda

email your questions to Ask Auntie Linda lbeth1950@hotmail.com

 

Get In the Christmas Spirit Withe the Best Jokes of the Day

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Found on internet

 

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, “What are you charged with?”

“Doing my Christmas shopping early”, replied the defendant.

“That’s no offense”, said the judge. “How early were you doing this shopping?”

Funny Letters to Santa

Here, Will and Guy bring you some amusing correspondence to Santa Claus, Father Christmas, Pere Noel. We hope that these letters, which we have discovered on the internet will entertain you.

A Real Santa Claus Talks About His Role

Carl Anderson has been Santa Claus for 28 seasons, at last he has revealed what we already suspected.

Kids can be hilarious and heart-breaking and he’s got some perfect tales to illustrate it write Will and Guy.  Beyond the expected requests for the latest Barbie and video game, kids have whispered into Santa Carl Anderson’s ear their desire for world peace and their pain at their parents’ breakups.

‘Kids see Santa as someone they can confide in,’ Anderson, 57 informs us. One little girl simply wanted a chair so she could write in a “little diarrhoea” at her desk. ‘Of course she meant diary, but the misspeaks are pretty funny,’ added Anderson.

Children’s musings are often more serious, and reflect what’s going on in the news, or at home.

A boy pleaded for lots of toys for terrorists so they ‘wouldn’t hate us so much,’ says Anderson. Yet another little one, ‘…wanted money to help mom pay the bills because she worries so much.’

It’s not easy being Santa. I”s hard on the body and on the heart. ‘I feel for them a lot,’ says Anderson. ‘It’s hard when kids ask me to get their mommy and daddy to love each other again or when they want someone who is sick to recover. I tell them I can’t promise anything but I will make it my wish for them – and I do,’ he adds.  ‘Santa is a symbol of hope. They know he’ll always be there and care about them and want the best for them.’

Short, Clean Hilarious and Funny Letters to Santa ClausFunny Santa Claus Letters

Dear Santa,
Please give me a doll this year. I would like her to eat, walk, do my homework, and help me clean my room.
Thank you, Jenny

Dear Santa,
Thanks for the race car last year. Can I have another one, only this time one that is faster than my best friend’s race car?
Ricky

Dear Father Christmas,
I wish you could leave a puzzle under the tree for me. And a toy for my sister. Then she won’t want to play with mine and I can have it to myself.
Merry Christmas, Cassie

Dear Santa,
You can send me one of everything from the boys’ section of the Sears catalogue. But nothing from the girls’ section. I can’t wait for Christmas to come.
Kent

Dear Pere Noel,
Could you come early this year? I’ve been really super good, but I don’t know if I can last much longer. Please hurry.
Love, Jordan

 Θ

 

Dear Santa,

I lost my list of toys, so please just send me the stuff that you forgot from last year.
Todd

Dear Father Christmas,
What should I leave for your reindeer to eat? Do they like cookies, too? My mom won’t let me bring hay into the living room.
Your friend, Sandy

Dear Santa,
I need a new skateboard for Christmas. The one I got now crashes too much. Band-aids would be OK too.
David

Dear Santa,
Would you rather I leave you cookies and milk or pizza? Dad says you’d probably like the pizza. Write back right away to let me know.
Love, Lisa

Dear Kris Kringle,
Please give me a tank, a jet fighter, 20 green soldiers, and a bazooka gun. I’m planning a surprise attack on my brother. So don’t tell anyone.
Thanks, Danny

Dear Santa,
How will you get into our house this year? We don’t have a chimney and my father just installed a very expensive security system.
Julie Funny Father Christmas  Letters

 ›

More Amusing Dear Santa Letters

Dear Santa,
Mommy says that you only bring presents for the good little boys. That isn’t fair.
Brian

Dear Santa,
How old are you? How did you meet Mrs Claus? Is your first name really Santa? Can I be an elf next year? Who is your favourite kid? How do you fit all those toys in your sleigh? I have more questions for later.
Your pal, Pauline

Dear Father Christmas,
My mother told me to write to you and say thanks for the train set. My dad plays with it all the time.
Mike

And finally Will and Guy’s favourite:

Dear Santa,
I would like just one of everything.
Thank you. Nancy

 

What Are the Very Best Jokes about Aging

image image image image image image image imageTop 10 Best Old Age Jokes
#10

Two senior ladies met for the first time since graduating from high school. One asked the other, “You were always so organized in school, did you manage to live a well planned life?”

“Oh yes,” said her friend. “My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; ,my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I’m married to an undertaker.”

Her friend asked, “What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?”
“One for the money, two for the show. three to get ready and four to go.”
#9

A retired gentleman went to apply for Social Security.

After waiting in line for hours, he finally arrived at the counter. The woman behind the counter asked for his identification to verify his age and, after looking in his pockets, he realized that he’d left his wallet at home. “Will I have to go home and get it?” he asked.

The woman said “Unbutton your shirt.”

He opened his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair.”That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,” she said and processed his Social Security application.

When he got home, the man told his wife about his experience at the Social Security office, and she said “You should have dropped your pants — you might have qualified for disability, too.”
#8

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered in Bloomingdales.

“Bloomingdales!” the rabbi exclaimed. “Why Bloomingdales?”

“It’s the only way I can be sure my daughters will visit me twice a week.”
#7

An old woman was walking along the street when she heard a voice telling her …”YOU WILL LIVE TO BE OVER 100.” She looked around, but no one else seemed to have heard the voice. Then she heard it again, “YOU WILL LIVE TO BE OVER 100.” Again she looked around, and again, no one else seemed to have heard anything. Convinced it was The Lord speaking to her, and figuring since the Lord had told her she would live to be 100 she’d better do something to make herself look better, she made an appointment with a plastic surgeon, and scheduled a face lift, a tummy tuck, liposuction, breast implants, and a nose job.

After healing from all the operations and looking years younger, she decided to go shopping. While crossing the street, she was hit by a bus and killed instantly. When she got to heaven, she asked the Lord, “Why did I die? You told me I was going to live to be more than 100?” God looked at her and replied … “Oh, I’m sorry; I didn’t recognize you.”
#6

An old man decided his old wife was getting hard of hearing.

So he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The Doctor said he could see her in two weeks, and meanwhile there’s a simple, informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the dimensions of the problem.”Here’s what you do. Start about 40 feet away from her, and speak in
a normal conversational tone and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.”

So that evening she’s in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he’s in the living room, and he says to himself,”I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens.”

“Honey, what’s for supper?” No response.

So he moves to the other end of the room, about 30 feet away.

“Honey, what’s for supper?” No response.

So he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away.

“Honey, what’s for supper?” No response.

On to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away.

“Honey, what’s for supper?”. No response.

So he walks right up behind her.

“Honey, what’s for supper?”

“For the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!!!!”
#5

An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard. They searched for days and couldn’t find him, so the Captain sent the old woman back to shore, with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally, the old woman got a fax from the boat. It read: Ma’am, sorry to inform you that we found your husband dead, at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled him up to the deck, and attached to his butt was an oyster, and inside it was a pearl worth $50,000 …. please advise.

The old woman faxed back: Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.
#4

What is the best thing about being senile?

You can hide your own Easter eggs.
#3

A senior citizen was driving home on the freeway when his cellphone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!”

“Hell,” said Herman, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”
#2

How do you know when you’re getting older?

Everything hurts and what doesn’t hurt, doesn’t work.
Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
Your knees buckle and your belt won’t.
Those issues of Reader’s Digest just can’t come fast enough.
You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
You give up all your bad habits and you still don’t feel good.
Dialing long distance wears you out.
You’re the one calling the police because those damn kids next door don’t know how to turn down the stereo.
You actually want socks for Christmas.
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before applying a second coat.
The little gray-haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.
#1

70-year-old George went for his annual physical. He told the doctor that he felt fine, but often had to go to the bathroom during the night. Then he said, “But you know Doc, I’m blessed. God knows my eyesight is going, so he puts on the light when I pee, and turns it off when I’m done!”

A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George’s wife and said, “Your husband’s test results were fine, but he said something strange that has been bugging me. He claims that God turns the light on and off for him when uses the bathroom at night.”

Thelma exclaimed, “That old fool! He’s been peeing in the refrigerator again!”

Best Birthday Jokes of the Day

Birthday1 birthday2 birthday3birthday2birthday3I much prefer being over the hill to being under it. – Bruce Lansky

 

The best birthdays of all are those that haven’t arrived yet…

 

Did you hear about the time Eddy’s sister tried to make a birthday cake? The candles melted in the oven.

 

Growing old is inevitable. Growing up is optional.

 

It’s not about age, it’s about attitude.

 

When I was a child my family was so poor that the only thing I got on my birthday was a year older.

 

It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present. “Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”. That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.

 

If there are 23 people in a room, there’s a 50% chance that two of them will share a birthday (it’s been proven mathematically).

 

What did George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common? They were all born on holidays.

 

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

 

A well adjusted woman is one who not only knows what she wants for her birthday, but even knows what she’s going to exchange it for.

 

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. – Lucille Ball

 

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened. – Jennifer Yane

 

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age. – Robert Frost

 

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

 

A birthday is just the first day of another 365-day journey around the sun. Enjoy the trip!

 

You were born an original. Don’t die a copy. – John Mason

 

You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. – Bob Hope

 

Something happened to me yesterday that will never, ever, happen to me again. How can you be so sure? I was 10 years old yesterday.

 

It’s been scientifically proven that too many birthdays can kill you.

 

Moses5moses7

'Is it just me, or does it also bother you guys that he eats animals crackers?'

‘Is it just me, or does it also bother you guys that he eats animals crackers?’

The First Memoir: 'Ok...it's a pretty good story Noah. But I think it needs to punched up a little to make it marketable.'

The First Memoir: ‘Ok…it’s a pretty good story Noah. But I think it needs to punched up a little to make it marketable.’

Image processed by CodeCarvings Piczard ### FREE Community Edition ### on 2015-05-19 14:16:16Z | http://piczard.com | http://codecarvings.com

Image processed by CodeCarvings Piczard ### FREE Community Edition ### on 2015-05-19 14:16:16Z | http://piczard.com | http://codecarvings.com

Laugh Your Way With the Best Guilt Joke of the Day


guilty2 guilty3

'What are these for?  You only bring me flowers when you've done something good.'

‘What are these for? You only bring me flowers when you’ve done something good.’

guilty5 guilty6 guilty7 guilty 8 guilty9

'Son, your mother and I don't even recognize you anymore.  You've become some sort of twisted animal.'

‘Son, your mother and I don’t even recognize you anymore. You’ve become some sort of twisted animal.’

Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married,
I hope you are well. Please don’t worry about me. I’m just fine considering I can’t breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother. I’ve sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you’ll spend on my beautiful grandchildren, who I never see. God knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They look anemic in their pictures, poor, thin babies.
Thank you so much for the birthday flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so they’ll stay fresh for my grave.  I know I’ll need them any day.  Which reminds me — we buried Aunt Lucy last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral, so Aunt Minnie and I dug her up and had the services all over again. I would have invited you, but I know that woman you live with would have never let you come. I bet she’s never even watched that videotape of my hemorrhoid surgery, has she? I am still suffering.
Well son, it’s time for me to drag myself to bed now. I lost my cane beating off muggers last week, but don’t you worry about me. I’m also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off and am grateful because the frost on my bed numbs the constant pain. Now don’t you even think about sending any more money, because I know you need it for those expensive family holidays you take every year, though you never come see me. Give my love to my darling grand-babies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is — the one with the black roots who stole you screaming from my bosom.
Love Always, Your poor, old mother

The Boogerman’ll Get You By the Hair of Your Head!

shamMother and I natter on incessantly.  Yesterday we went to visit my aunt a couple of hours away.  As we rode along, I was asking Mother more about the details of her early marriage at eighteen.  She slipped up and confessed a tale she’s felt guilty about ever since.  I couldn’t believe she stumbled and told on herself after sixty-nine years.  She usually bumbles right away.  To set the stage, you have to know she has a ridiculous conscience.  If she suspects there is a rule somewhere, she is obligated to follow it, no matter how senseless.  If she fails, she is required to feel guilty.  That’s the rule.

Mother, married at eighteen.  Within months Daddy moved her into the house with his widowed mother and her two daughters.  They were poor and lived in a decrepit unpainted house miles out in the country, not the newlywed home she’d envisioned.  To put the icing on the ruined cake, Aunt Julie with her two squalling brats had settled in as well.  The house was uncomfortable, Mother felt unwelcome, Daddy was never home except to sleep.

The kids, two and four, whined without ceasing, unless they took a break to throw a fit.  One day, she was alone in the room with them and was totally fed up with the whining.  She told Yvonne, the oldest, “Stop that squalling or the Boogerman will get you!”  To reinforce the lesson, she stepped into the next room, scratched on the door-facing and wailed “Wooooooooo!”  The terrified kids shut up immediately.”  From then on, when the whining started, she’d give them another little dose of Wooooo, if she got the chance when Aunt Julie wasn’t in the room.

“Why didn’t I ever hear this great story before?” I had to know.

“Because I felt guilty, I guess. I didn’t mean to tell it now.  I’m still ashamed,” she confessed.

“Well, you should be.  I am sixty-five years old and I could have been enjoying this story my whole life!”