#1 Mrs Greenβs Dog & her neighbor
Mrs Green was walking to the post office when her neighbor came up to her and said “Hello Janis, Howβs your dog? I saw her yesterday chasing an old man on a bike.”
“Oh” said Mrs Green “That could NOT have been my dog”
“Oh, why not?” replied her neighbor “Iβm pretty sure it was her”
“Well” stated Mrs. Green smiling “my dog doesnβt ride a bike”

#2 Seeing Eye Dog
A blind man walks in to a department store with his seeing eye dog on a leash.
The store manager behind the customer service counter looks up, notices the customer is blind, and quickly looks away again.
Out of the corner of his eye he sees the blind man start swinging the dog over his head with its leash. S
hocked, the manager runs over and says, “Mister, is there a problem β is there something I can help you with?” The blind man calmly replies, “No thanks β Iβm just looking around.”
#3 β Q: What do dogs call frozen poop?
A: Poopsicles

#4 Help Wanted
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, that read:
“HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.”
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said, “I canβt hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.” The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, “The sign says you have to be good with a computer.”
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, “I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* canβt give you the job.”
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, “Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual.”
The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, “Meow.”

#5 Two Scottish nuns
Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, “I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs.”
“Thatβs odd,” her companion replies, “but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.”
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. “Two dogs, please,” says one.
The vendor is pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil, and hands them over the counter. Excitedly, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to un-wrap their βdogsβ.
The mother superior begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, “What partβ¦ did you getβ¦?”

#6 β Q: What do dogs have that no other animal has?
A: Puppy dogs.

#7 Clever Dachshund
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.
So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch.
The dachshund thinks, “OK, Iβm in deep trouble now!” Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here.”
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.
“Whew,” says the leopard. “That was close. That dachshund nearly had me.”
Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.
But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here monkey, hop on my back and see whatβs going to happen to that conniving canine.”
Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, “What am I going to do now?” But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasnβt seen them yet β¦ and, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund saysβ¦
“Whereβs that darn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard.”

#8 Talking Beagle
A guy was driving around the back woods of Kentucky and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: βTalking Dog for Saleβ
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Beagle sitting there. βYou talk?β he asks. βYep,β the Beagle replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says
βSo, whatβs your story?β
The Beagle looks up and says, βWell, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed servicesβ¦ the United States Marines. You know one of their nicknames is βThe Devil Dogs.β
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasnβt getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down.
I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now Iβm just retired.β
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
βTen dollars,β the guy says.
βTen dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?β
βBecause heβs such a liarβ¦ He never did any of that stuff.
He was in the Navy!β

#9 Q: How do you keep a dog from barking in your front yard?
A: Put it in your back yard!

#10 Seeing Eye Dogs
Thereβs a guy with a Doberman Pincher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pincher says to the guy with the Chihuahua, “Letβs go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.”
The guy with the Chihuahua says, “We canβt go in there. Weβve got dogs with us.”
The guy with the Doberman Pincher says, “Just follow my lead.”
They walk over to the restaurant. The guy with the Doberman Pincher puts on a pair of dark glasses and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, “Sorry man, no pets allowed.”
The guy with the Doberman Pincher says, “You donβt understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”
The guy at the door says, “A Doberman Pincher?”
He says, “Yes, theyβre using them now, theyβre very good.”
The guy at the door says, “Come on in.”
The guy with the Chihuahua figures “What the hell,” so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
The guy at the door says, “Sorry pal, no pets allowed.”
The guy with the Chihuahua says, “You donβt understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”
The guy at the door says, “A Chihuahua?”
He says, “You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?”

#11 Bad Dog?
It was the end of the day when a policeman was parking his police van in front of the station. As he gathered his equipment, his K-9 partner, Spike, was barking, and he saw a little boy staring at him.
“Is that a dog you got back there?” the boy asked.
“It sure is,” the policeman replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at the office and then towards the back of the van. Finally
the boy asked, “Soβ¦ Whatβd he do?”

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