Granny’s Death Watch

Bud grew up in a huge nuclear family. His maternal grandparents reared their children on a farm in Kansas. Grandma Johnson moved into a full household upon her marriage. Grandpa’s second wife, she instantly became the mother of two and four-year-old boys. The icing on the cake was Grandpa Johnson’s mother and her dependent grandchild rounding up the menagerie to sixteen. Naturally, the babies started arriving regularly, till they finished off with twelve.

Apparently, Great Grandma Johnson, her mother-in-law wasn’t cut from the same cloth. All the family had their own tale of misery she’d dealt them.  At some point she had a stroke and was initially paralyzed.  Grandpa and Grandma left her care to whichever of the bevy of unfortunate young adults and teenagers within the range of her demands.  Her constant complaints and criticism failed to endear her to any of them. They all swore she could get around when she chose, as evidenced by missing food and her meddling in their business.  

Bud’s grandma was a delight. I never heard her complain. The only thing I ever heard her say that could be construed as a criticism was, “as soon as Tom (her husband) died I got down his first wife’s dishes and started using them.”

Time dragged on.  Periodically, one of the boys took his turn shuffling in the house. Hat in hand,

Eventually, time took it’s toll on Granny’s health. Granny never had been sweet, so by he time she had another stroke, the kids were thoroughly sick of her.  Despite this, they conformed to the social norms, laying low as extended family and friends gathered tor the death watch.  The nine boys gathered in the barn, while the girls cooked, served food, and attended guests in the home.  No farm work was done that day out of respect for Granny.

Time dragged on.  Periodically, one of the boys tiptoed into the house, hat in hand, for news of Granny.  It was getting late. Time to start evening chore.  At last, the youngest of the brood was coerced into taking his turn to check the situation out.  He was gone, and gone, and gone.  The boys in the barn grew irritated, thinking perhaps they’d misread the situation.  Maybe he’d gone in just in time to get to eat!  They were all starving!

Finally, Bob rejoined them.  They all clustered around him , demanding news.  “What happened? Why were you so long?”

He regarded them all somberly.  “Well, Old Granny Bitch is dead.”

I guess he’d never heard. “Don’t speak I’ll of the dead.”

Children’s Biblical Misunderstandings

In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

Adam & Eve were created from an apple tree.

Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark.

Noah built the ark, which the animals came on in pears.

Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.

Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like Delilah.

Sampson slated the Philistines with the axe of apostles.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.

Afterward, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

The Fifth Commandment is humor thy mother and father.

The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

Moses died before he ever reached the UK. Then, Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol.

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in the biblical times.

Solomon, one of David’s sons, has 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

When Mary heard that she was the Mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

When the three wise guys from the East Side arrived, they found Jesus and the manager.

Jesus was born because Mary had an emaculate contraption.

St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.

He also explained, “Man doth not live by sweat alone.”

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by profession a taximan.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.

Sunday School

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her class. After explaining the commandment to ‘Honor thy father and thy mother,’ she asked, ‘Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?’
Without missing a beat, a six-year-old boy answered, ‘Thou shall not kill..’