The old farmer just got married and as he was driving home with his new wife the mule stopped and wouldn’t pull
the wagon. The farmer smacked him over the head with a 2×4…..and said,
“That’s One! …..
…The second time the mule refused to move the farmer went over and hit him with the 2×4 and said…”That’s Two!………
……The third time the mule refused the farmer took his gun and shot him…….
The new wife started to criticize the old farmer for shooting his mule and he says;
That’s one…………….
A cardiologist who was nearing the end of his career to leave the spotlight and stress of leading the cardiologist staff of the Mayo Clinic, and moved to a small, rural hospital in the Florida Panhandle. He told the staff at the Mayo Clinic, “I am tired of dealing with CEO’s and millionaires who are too busy to take care of their hearts, and look forward to the simple country lifestyle of patching up farmers and their bankers who have simply worn their hearts out.”
Sadly, after only four short years of simpler life, the Cardiologist died of cancer. When his comrades from the Mayo Clinic heard the sad news they told the family that they wanted to help them plan a very elaborate funeral, to pay their respects for this great man who had so much influence on doctors all over the world. A huge heart, covered in flowers, stood behind the casket during the service at the church, and all in attendance were in awe, having never seen such an event. Following the eulogy, as harp music played, the heart opened and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
All of a sudden, one of the mourners in the back of the church burst out in laughter. Every head turned to see the source of this disrespectful laughter. It was one of the country doctors from the small town hospital. With the whole crowd glaring at him in disgust, the doctor held up his hand and said, “I am so sorry folks, I didn’t mean to be disrespectful, he was a great friend. I was just thinking of my own funeral. I’m a proctologist.
Harold was a farmer, who had stayed healthy and happy out on the farm for over 60 years. As the years slipped by, however, his wife worried about him out in the summer heat for long hours each day. She had been right to worry as one summer, while out fixing fence, the heat got the best of Harold. He got dehydrated and had to be hospitalized. Harold hated it there, because he kept wanting to get home to check on his crops and cattle. The doctor warned him that he needed to spend at least 4 days in the hospital, so they could run a series of tests on his heart and other systems. Plus he just wanted to make sure Harold’s strength had returned, because he knew he would be right back out farming again in the heat.
There was one young nurse that just drove Harold absolutely crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, “And how are we doing this morning?” or “Are we ready for a bath?” or “Are we hungry today?” Old Harold had had about all he could stand of this particular nurse, and just had to get out of that hospital. He was more sick of people poking, prodding, testing and talking to him like an helpless old man, than he was from the heat stroke.
One day at breakfast, he came up with a plan. The nurse came to his room and left him a urine bottle to fill for testing. After she had left his room, Harold got a twinkle in his eye as he spied the apple juice on the breakfast tray on his bed side stand. Well you know where the juice went, right into the urine sample vial.
A little while later when the patronizing nurse returned, she picked up the vile and said, “My oh my, it seems we are a little cloudy today?” At this, Old Harold snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and drank it right down, saying, “Well, let’s run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time!”
The nurse fainted! Harold boomed out, “This nurse needs help!” Within seconds 4 nurses and two doctors were fussing all around her. Harold just smiled and said to himself, “Now’s my chance to get the heck out of this place.” He snatched his clothes out of the closet, got dressed in the restroom down the hall, headed to the elevator, and was out the door before anyone knew what happened!
Nutsrok 