Kathleen Carries On Part 3 or The Wedding Crasher

One beautiful June afternoon, Mother found herself at loose ends. A bit miffed that everyone else had plans that didn’t include her she decided to take the high road and visit The American Rose Center. She strolled around for a while, thinking how cute she must look in her floppy garden hat with its silk roses, neat denim shorts and socks dyed to match her shirt.  She thought she must be about the cutest thing  around with no one there to see her.

Happily, she noticed a quaint little chapel with welcoming doors thrown wide open.  Lush roses bloomed on either side of the doors.  “Oh ! They’re having some kind of program.  How nice.”. She took a seat on the left front pew, hoping there would be good music.  After a while, the speaker wandered to the front.  In rapid succession, Well-dressed people started taking their seats.  As proud as she’d been of her outfit earlier, she started to feel a bit underdressed in her shorts and sneakers.  It finally occurred to her when the mother of the bride was escorted down the aisle by an usher.  The lady gave Mother a hard look as she was seated behind the interloper.  Mother scurried toward the back of the chapel as the organist began the Wedding March.  She tried to be invisible in the corner till the bridal party took their places at the altar

Mother said they were the most unfriendly family she’d ever seen!

Johnny

Johnny was my first crush in first grade. I wanted to play with him but he preferred Nona, his neighbor. I couldn’t blame him. She wore cowboy boots, flannel shirts, and brown corduroy pants. Not only that, she could spit through the gap between her front teeth and was the fastest runner in the first grade. She also had beautiful thick-lensed eyeglasses with red plaid frames. I might have had a chance with Johnny if I hadn’t told the teacher he stole my milk nickel. He hadn’t. The teacher made me clean out my desk. There it was plain as day, just under my rough paper tablet.

I never stood a chance after that.

Jokes

The young folks invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.

“Goat,” the little boy replied.

“Goat?” replied the startled minister,  “Are you sure about that?”

“Sure.  I heard Dad tell Mom. “I guess we might as well have that old goat for dinner today.”

The minister dies and the congregation decides, after some time, that his widow, should marry again. Since it is a small village the only available candidate is the local butcher. Although very reluctantly, since she was used to living with a bible scholar, she accepts.

After the marriage, on Friday night just after taking a bath – the new husband tells his wife, “Look, my mother always said that before the beginning of the weekend it was a blessing to have sex.”

They do it and then on Saturday he tells her, “According to my father it is a blessing to have sex during the day before the Sabbath.

There they go again and when it is time to go to sleep he tells her, “My grandfather told me that one should always have sex on Sabbath night.”

Finally they go to sleep and when they wake up the next morning he tells her, “My aunt says that a Christian man always starts the Sabbath by having sex. So lets do it.”

Finally on Monday she goes out to the market and meets a friend that asks her, “So how is the new husband?”

“Well, an intellectual he isn’t, but he comes from a wonderful family.”

34     → Joke

 

Bumps in the Road Part 6

Their’s was the typical whirlwind romance. Standing Kathleen up was something Gene never had to worry about again. In the next few days, she met his brothers, Edward and Parnell. She was disappointed to find out the Chevy Coupe belonged to Edward, not Bill . Oh well, a fellow with a car would have been nice. Kathleen knew both brothers had wives back in Louisiana so was surprised to see Parnell with a woman clinging to his arm at a carnival one night. “Isn’t that Parnell?  Who….?” she asked, as Bill steered her away. She’d really liked Parnell. Why would he do such a thing? He spoke lovingly of his wife and girls, so why? It didn’t make sense. 

Bill had had a few beers as they walked around, but was nowhere drunk.  In fact, he was more charming than usual, making Kathleen feel like the luckiest girl in Texas to be on his arm.  They strolled up to a gambling booth where a red-head barker  called out for them to come try their luck at knocking down stacks of bottles with a baseball.  A cute  little pekingese lay curled up on a cushion on the counter.  “Knock down three stacks of bottles and win this puppy for your girl,” the barker called out, reeling Bill in.

“I’m gonna get you that puppy,” said Bill, scooping up three balls.  He hurled them, only knocking the top bottle off each stack.  He went for another round, managing to knock to bottles off the stack a couple of times. 

Kathleen quickly grew disturbed with this game.  The bottom bottles were clearly weighted and weren’t going over. “Come on. This game is rigged. Those bottles aren’t going over.  I don’t want that puppy, anyway.” Bill was determined to win. He kept digging bills out of his pocket and hurling balls at the bottles, a total waste in this crooked game. Kathleen was appalled at the waste  and his stubborn refusal to give it up. Incredibly, he’d lost forty-five dollars and was in a heated argument with the barker by the time Edward strolled up, ready to egg the trouble on. Kathleen quickly surmised, Having grown up tough, Edward  was an aggressive bully who liked nothing better than a fight.

“Get on out of here,” the barker demanded. “I don’t want any trouble.”

“This is a rigged game.  I ain’t leaving till I get my money back.” Bill shouted.  By now, Edward was standing shoulder to shoulder with him, anxious to start punching.  The barker rang a buzzer and two bruisers with nightsticks showed up.  Bill understood the situation and left out of “consideration for Kathleen,” promising to be back after he took her home. 

“You do that!” one of them replied.

He had a couple more beers on the way home, never making it back for his money.

This was a totally new experience for Kathleen, a sheltered young woman of nineteen.  She’d never been around drinking,gambling, cheating, or violence.She didn’t know if she’d wanted to see Bill again.

Kathleen Carries On Part 2

1.  She left her lights on, ran her car battery down, and asked a nice young police officer to “jack her off.”  She wasn’t arrested.

2. She once crashed  wedding in cut off blue jeans, sitting in the first row on the bride’s side.  The family was not friendly.

3. She was once locked in a museum and had to be rescued by the fire department, climbing over the fence on their ladder.

4. She was locked in Windsor Castle. More on that later.

5. She rolled up a car window up on a camel’s lip.  These things happen.

6. She made change in the offering plate at church and came out twenty dollars ahead

7. She lost her bra at church one Sunday.  She never could explain that!

8. When two intruders broke in her house, she made one of them help her into her robe before she would talk to them.  She gave them eleven dollars, telling them, “That’s enough!” They thanked her when they left, telling her to “have a nice day.”  She told the police officers later, “They were polite and had been raised right.”  Go figure.

9. She threatened a rapist.

10. She won’t say “Bull.”  That sounds crude.  She substitutes “male cow.” God knows she tried to raise me right!  

11.When two intruders broke in her house, she made one of them help her into her robe before she would talk to them.  She gave them eleven dollars, telling them, “That’s enough!”  They thanked her when they left, telling her to “have a nice day.”  She told the police officers later, “They were polite and had been raised right.”  Go figure. I think this story sums Mother up better than anything else.  She gets rattled over little things, but is a rock when something huge challenges her. I got a call from her after midnight.  “I’m okay.  Don’t panic.  The police are on the way!  I just wanted to let you know someone kicked my door down!”  You can imagine the horror and shock that message sent through me, imagining my poor little mother at the mercy of God only knows who, not even a door against the night.  Bud and I flew over. By the time we got there, police officers were there investigating.  Her shattered front door was propped up on her front porch, splintered wood splayed around her living room.  Mother had coffee ready for us. (I told you she was calm in a storm.)  She had been sleeping when awakened by two young guys dressed in black, with black ski masks, one brandishing a baseball bat.  The nearest advanced down the hall, demanding her purse. She cooperated, but asked, “Can you get me my robe?  It’s hanging on a hook on the bathroom door. I can’t be walking around in front of you with no robe.” He agreed, getting the robe, helping her into it since she was having a little trouble with her shoulder, probably sorry he’d ever started this.  His partner laid down the bat, thank God, demanding her purse. Fearing he’d think she was going for a gun, she said, “It’s on that shelf.”  He bumbled and found her library books in a bag, ready for return. “These are just books.” “Just behind them. This time he found her wallet.  Digging through it, he was dismayed to find only eleven dollars.  “Is this all?” “Yes, I only have that because I was going to buy gas tomorrow.  I never keep cash.  It’s too dangerous!”  Truer words were never spoken.  She usually has to dig in her car to find change for a coke, preferring to bum off whoever she is with.  It’s a wonder she didn’t ask the robbers for money for a coke while she had them there. “What about your bank card?” She said she gave him a disgusted look, thinking, “Now, that’s going too far. Eleven dollars is enough!” They must have realized their business with her was complete, turning to leave.  Before going down the steps, the one who’d helped her into her robe returned for his bat, telling her, “Have a nice day.” As they walked toward the door, she thanked them for not hurting her. She summed the whole story up for the officers, promising to get in touch if she remembered anything else.  “I don’t think they ever meant to hurt me.  They were both as polite as could be.  I think their mother raised them right.” I am so glad she did. (to be continued)