A guy in a van pulls up next to a Rolls-Royce at a red light and asks, “Hey, is your car Bluetooth enabled?” The Rolls owner nods.
“So is mine. Got Wi-Fi?” The Rolls owner nods again. “Me too. What about a double bed?”
“No. Do you?” asks the Rolls guy.
“Yep.” The light changes and the van takes off. Jealous, the Rolls guy heads to a Pimp My Rolls customising shop and gets a double bed installed, then drives around until he finds the van parked on the side of the road. He raps on the window. “Guess what? I got a double bed put in my car too.”
The van owner peers out. “You got me out of the shower to tell me that?!”
Terminal prescription
William came home from the doctor looking very worried. “What is it? asked his wife. “What’s the problem?”
“Well, the doctor told me I have to take one of these pills every day for the rest of my life,” explained William.
“So what?” his wife replied. “Lots of people have to do that.”
“I know. But he only gave me four pills.Submitted by Bill Lindsay
Nothing up my sleeves
James and Stephen go into a sweet shop. James stealthily pockets three bars of chocolate and slips out. Gloating, he challenges Stephen to do something even bigger.
“No problem,” replies Stephen. “I’ll show you the real art of thieving.”
Re-entering the shop, Stephen approaches a member of staff and asks, “Would you like to see a magic trick?”
The staff member nods, so Stephen takes three chocolate bars off the shelf and eats them all.
“So where’s the magic?” asks the staff member.
“Just check my friend’s pocket,” Stephen replies, pointing to James. “You’ll find all three bars intact.”
Self-pity is relative. I am involved in the care of my ninety-six year-old mother, though she stills lives alone and does really well. My siblings help, but I have catered to her, a monster of my own creation. Naturally, she enjoys that and frequently tells them, “I’ll wait. Linda can take me in a few days.”
As it happens to seventy-seven year-old men, Hubby’s hip decided to show out last Friday. He’s really miserable. I have been a full-time nurse to him since then. Thank goodness, he sees his doctor today.
Consequently, I’ve felt pressed. Yesterday, thinking only of myself, I called my old friend to whine. She sounded stressed. “Can you call back in ten minutes?” No answer on my return call.
Soon she called me back. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah. Just whiny. Bud’s hip is giving him trouble.”
“Oh, that’s bad, but can I call you tomorrow? The kids are on vacation and I’ve got the grandkids at the pool. My phones running….”
It made me so happy!. Self-pity is relative!!!!!! I sent her this selfie.
👼 ooh my goodness watch (STAY) the miracle of pollination. 👼🏻
👉 There are 26,000 species of wild bees, one per kind of flower, and 200,000 species of pollinators. All suffer a 80% loss in only 3 decades (main cause, the neonicotinoids)!
Thursday was payday, so buying groceries was paramount in Mother’s week. In fact, Wednesday evening she would have probably made supper(not dinner)from the few remaining items in the pantry, possibly a box of macaroni, ketchup, a dented can of mackerel, and dried lima beans. Yum! It takes a talented chef to whip up an appetizing meal from that poor fare. Alas, Mother was no chef, but we were always ravenous, so we ate it. We knew better than to complain. Wednesday breakfast would have likely have been oatmeal, no butter, or God forbid , flap jacks. Mother’s flap jacks were her last resort breakfast. When she got that low, she was likely out of the eggs or milk needed to turn them into decent food. I believe her recipe was:
mix self-rising flour with equal amount of water. Stir until consistency of mashed potatoes. Drop gobs into near-flaming grease. Turn just before gobs ignite. Can be served with pear or fig preserves if you don’t have butter and syrup. Failing that, they can be served with thick brown gravy. Be sure to cook in blazing skillet so they swell up before burning black on both sides Dough should ooze out when pierced with a fork. There should be ample leftovers.
They were as horrible as they sound, nothing but fried dough balls.
These need to be about four times as thick and several shades darker
My parents usually owned one car, meaning Mother had to drive Daddy to work at 630 and rush back home to get the babies before the big kids caught the bus. All this took place after being up at five-thirty to milk the cow and cook the delicious breakfast described earlier.
Then, she was on her way to pick up Daddy’s check and do the banking. Next, she drove by two small grocery stores to check the specials posted in the windows. She usually managed the bargains with groceries and babies in one buggy. Then, off to do the real shopping at the A&P. Pushing her buggy along, she heaped it up with canned goods, cleaning supplies, big bags of potatoes, dried beans, sugar, flour, butter, meal, produce, and meat. The babies rode along in the second with paper goods, cornflakes, and lightweight items stacked carefully around them.
The car fairly sagged with its cargo. With no availability or funds to purchase lunch, Mother changed and fed the babies a makeshift lunch in the car. Hopefully, they’d be napping amidst the shopping when she got back to pick Daddy up from work.
Back at home, Phyllis and I would be pressed into service to doodle in innumerable parcels, put away groceries, tend babies, and help get dinner started, while Mother got ready for evening milking. In time, Phyllis and I had to milk, a repulsive chore. According to Daddy, men were forbidden in the Bible to milk. “Thou cannot take what thee cannot give” He couldn’t cite the chapter and verse, but knew it was in there. He quoted lots of convenient %#|^ from the Bible.
The financial reckoning came after supper. As Phyllis and I cleared the table and started the dishes, Daddy pushed back from the table, lit a cigarette and asked. “How much did you spend on groceries?”
Mother dreaded this. “I spent about eighteen dollars at the A&P and eight dollars on chicken and hamburger at Barrett’s Market. Oh, I got a box of day bread at the bread store for a dollar.”
“I told you, can’t keep on spending like that. You’ve got to cut back! You need to go get your groceries and bargain with the manager on price!” Daddy had never been grocery shopping in his life, but had to know better than that.
“Bill, I’m not doing any such thing! That’s not how grocery stores work!” and they were off!
Nutsrok 