The indigent family somehow survived the next two difficult years. After his father died , Daddy told of his moving in a battered old one-room shack sitting in a open field occupied by a bull and herd of cows. It had been a barn, just unpainted planks and unfinished interior walls The rusted tin roof with its nail holes topped the open rafters. The cows offered little threat, but the Jersey bull raged when the cows came in heat. Mettie and the kids had to always had to keep a look out for the old devil when they stepped outdoors to do laundry or fetch water from the creek. Mettie kept the little girls at hand in case they had to make a run for the house. She and the older boys made sure the bull was nowhere to be seen before climbing through the barbed wire to attempt the open field surrounding their house. One evening, the old bull was on a tear. Enraged, he had the family cornered in the house. A time or two, one of the boys slipped toward creek for water only to be run back, the bull crashing into the door behind them. He raged, assaulting the shack time after time, bashing his head against the walls and doors, venting his hormonal rage. Inside, expecting the bull to explode through the doorway at any second, Mettie and the boys had hoisted the traumatized little girls and themselves to the safety of the rafters to wait out the madness. The next day, they packed up and moved to Mettie’s Brother Albert’s farm, even though it was miles and miles from town.
A battered, unpainted house awaited them. Again, it was free. They could get milk and butter from one of Albert’s cows if she helped with the milking. Albert’s wife,Mary, kindly gave her a hen with twelve chicks and young rooster. They could eat from Mary’s garden if she and the girls would help with gardening and canning. They settled in. The wind sailed through the unchinked walls of the house. Rain poured through the ancient roof. The uncles put the boys to cutting and splitting wood for shingles, then set them to roofing. A toilet leaned crazily out back, but the deep well provided cool,clean water. Of course the rural farm had no utilities, no matter since she wouldn’t have had funds to pay for them. Her brothers, Willie and Albert, did what they could to help, from plowing her garden, promising her a pig to fatten and slaughter in the fall. Willie traded a fine sow with a litter of pigs and gifted her an ancient milk cow. Fortunately, when the old cow freshened, it was a heifer, ensuring Mettie would have a young cow to replace her when the old cow inevitably died. This was a Godsend. A family without a milk cow was in trouble.
Life actually improved upon her husband’s death in 1937. He had been out of the home for four years by that time, so Mettie’s grieving was likely long over. Daddy only mentioned his father twice to my recollection. On the first mention, prior to starting school, he was supposed to be following his father down a row in the cornfield, dropping four corn kernels in each hole his father made. In the way of small children, he soon tired of this, burying the whole lot at the end of the row, covering it with sand. Upon germination, seeing what he’d done, his father beat him. Another time, for some unrelated failing, his enraged father ripped the bed covers off the sleeping boy and brutally beat him with a razor strap! Daddy visited the same behavior on his own children more than once.
Mettie Knight Swain, my paternal grandmother was an Amazon of a woman an imposing figure at near six feet tall. Her gorgeous, silver hair stood around her head in a soft halo, made more striking by her pale blue eyes. She turned heads. Her physical stature alone inspired respect. She was vaguely friendly toward her grandchildren, not surprising since she had more than forty. I personally admired her penchant for stepping in if it looked as if one of the grandchildren might be about to get a swat. That alone made her my hero.
When Eddie died in 1937, the four younger children qualified for seventy-four dollars a month, Aid to Dependant Children, a veritable fortune. She promptly moved closer in to town. The same year, her eldest son joined Civilian Conservation Corp for which he was provided clothes, wages, food, and lodging for working on government conservation projects. He was paid the princely sum of thirty dollars a month, twenty-five of which which went directly to his mother. Three years later, the second son joined. The boys had never lived dressed or lived so well. At thirteen, Daddy was six feet tall. He was able to pass for fifteen, snagging a job on an nearby oil rig as a night watchman. He slipped home most nights to eat a late supper. All three boys had given up school long ago to look for work. At any rate, Daddy said they couldn’t face the taunting of hateful kids in their bedraggled clothes.
I think my big dog is breaking one of the commandments. Do commandments apply to dogs? He covets his neighbor’s wife. When we are out walking and meet Ruth, he knocks himself out to get her attention. When she brags on him in her special, doggy voice, his tail goes into overdrive. I have to dance around out stay out of its way to avoid bruises. He pulls hard on his leash trying to get to her, I guess he’s thinking she’s the kind of girl who goes for bad boys. He does super deep, open-mouth breathing blowing hot air out of his gigantic mouth. It sounds for all the world like the deep breathing on the old-fashioned obscene phone calls that cellular phones ruined forever for perverts. All the while, he’s dancing a four-legged jitterbug, the only time he moves that fast. At one hundred thirty- five pounds, he does serious damage connecting with your foot. When all else fails, he bows up and deposits a giant poop before her before kicking up a dust cloud. Turning subtly, he peeks to see whether Ruth is impressed. Sadly, she isn’t, striding off leaving clean up for me! It wasn’t even my love offering! In truth, he’s like a lot of males past their prime. In truth, he is like a lot of males past their prime, flirting right along despite being overweight and balding.
An engineer dies and goes to the gates of the heaven. He is told by the guard, “Ah, you’re an engineer. You are in the wrong place.”
So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?”
Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”
God replies, “What? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake. He should never have gotten down there; send him up here.”
Satan says, “No way.” I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”
God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?”
There was a zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo. Zebra was was getting older, so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm.
The zebra was so excited, she got out of the horse float to see this huge space with green grass and hill and trees and all these strange animals.
She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited, “Hi! I’m a zebra, what are you?”
Cow said “I’m a cow”.
Zebra asked “Oh totally, and what do you do?”.
“I make milk for the farmer” said the cow.
“Wow. Cool. Amazing” The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran over to it. “Hi, I’m a zebra, what are you?”
“I’m a chicken,” said the chicken.
“Oh, right, what do you do?” asked the zebra.
“I make eggs for the farmer.” said the chicken.
“Right – oh wow! Great! See you around.” Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes. She ran over to it and said, “Hi, I’m a zebra, what are you?”
“I am a Stallion,” said the stallion.
“Wow, cool.” said the zebra. “What do you do?”
“Take off your pajamas darling, and I’ll show you.”
A redhead, a brunette and a blonde stand at the bottom of a staircase. There are 1000 steps.
The owner says: “I will tell a joke every 10 steps. to reach the top, you must not laugh.”
The redhead got to the 320th step and then laughed. The brunette got to the 900th step and laughed. The blonde got to the 967th step and then laughed.
The owner says: “why are you laughing? I didn’t tell a joke.”
The blonde says: “I just got the first one.”
A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn’t know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he’d stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional.
A few minutes later, a woman comes in and says, “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”
The priest asks, “What did you do?”
The woman says, “I committed adultery.”
Priest, “How many times?”
Woman, “Three times.”
Priest, “Say two Hail Mary’s, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.”
A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”
Priest, “What did you do?”
Man, “I committed adultery.”
Priest, “How many times?”
Man, “Three times.”
Priest, “Say two Hail Mary’s, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.”
The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he’s got it so the priest leaves.
A few minutes later another woman enters and says, “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”
Rabbi, “What did you do?”
Woman, “I committed adultery.”
Rabbi, “How many times?”
Woman, “Once.”
Rabbi, “Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5.”
For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery down stairs.
Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
Evening massage – 6 p.m.
Due to the Rector’s illness, Wednesday’s healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
The music for today’s service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
A song fest was hell at the church on Wednesday.
The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
Thursday at 5:00 PM, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be “Little Mothers” will meet with the Pastor in his private study.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
The choir will meet at the Larsen house for fun and sinning. Next Thursday, there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Missionary from Africa Bertha Belch speaking at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa”.
Barbara C. remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack’s sermons.
Announcement in a church bulletin for a National Prayer & Fasting Conference: “The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer conference includes meals”.
Our church youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 pm in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
I decided to try the ancient Chinese practice of using needles to get rid of back pain…
The heroin worked a treat for me.
UPVOTE DOWNVOTE REPORT
Three guys are fishing on a lake when an angel appears in the boat with them.
The first guy gets over his shock and humbly says to the angel, “I’ve suffered from back pain for years. Is it too much to ask that you help me?” The angel touches the man’s back, and he feels instant relief.
The second guy points to his Coke-bottle glasses and asks if the angel could cure hi… read more
UPVOTE DOWNVOTE REPORT
Quasimodo goes to the doctors with back pain
The doctor tells him to remove his clothes, and he reluctantly agrees and starts undressing, and takes off 2 coats, then a jacket, then 7 jumpers, 3 tshirts, and reveals yet another coat…
The Doctor says “Hold on Quasi, hold on!”, “why are you wearing so many clothes?”
Quasi says he… read more
UPVOTE DOWNVOTE REPORT
What do you call an Egyptian test administrator who heals back pain?
A Cairo-Proctor!
UPVOTE DOWNVOTE REPORT
so a guy walks into te doctors office,
and he says “hey man, I have really bad back pain” the doctor asks why, and the guy says “Well I came home from work, to find wife in bed naked, and it was obvious there was another guy there, so I started looking. I go over to the window, and see a naked guy running down the street. so I grabbed th… read more
UPVOTE DOWNVOTE REPORT
Related Searches
Related Categories
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
I decided to try the ancient Chinese practice of using needles to get rid of back pain…
The heroin worked a treat for me.
UPVOTE DOWNVOTE REPORT
Three guys are fishing on a lake when an angel appears in the boat with them.
The first guy gets over his shock and humbly says to the angel, “I’ve suffered from back pain for years. Is it too much to ask that you help me?” The angel touches the man’s back, and he feels instant relief.
The second guy points to his Coke-bottle glasses and asks if the angel could cure hi… read more
UPVOTE DOWNVOTE REPORT
Quasimodo goes to the doctors with back pain
The doctor tells him to remove his clothes, and he reluctantly agrees and starts undressing, and takes off 2 coats, then a jacket, then 7 jumpers, 3 tshirts, and reveals yet another coat…
The Doctor says “Hold on Quasi, hold on!”, “why are you wearing so many clothes?”
Quasi says he… read more
UPVOTE DOWNVOTE REPORT
What do you call an Egyptian test administrator who heals back pain?
A Cairo-Proctor!
UPVOTE DOWNVOTE REPORT
so a guy walks into te doctors office,
and he says “hey man, I have really bad back pain” the doctor asks why, and the guy says “Well I came home from work, to find wife in bed naked, and it was obvious there was another guy there, so I started looking. I go over to the window, and see a naked guy running down the street. so I grabbed th… read more
UPVOTE DOWNVOTE REPORT
Related Searches
Related Categories
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
I decided to try the ancient Chinese practice of using needles to get rid of back pain…
The heroin worked a treat for me.
UPVOTE DOWNVOTE REPORT
Three guys are fishing on a lake when an angel appears in the boat with them.
The first guy gets over his shock and humbly says to the angel, “I’ve suffered from back pain for years. Is it too much to ask that you help me?” The angel touches the man’s back, and he feels instant relief.
The second guy points to his Coke-bottle glasses and asks if the angel could cure hi… read ore
UPVOTE DOWNVOTE REPORT
Quasimodo goes to the doctors with back pain
The doctor tells him to remove his clothes, and he reluctantly agrees and starts undressing, and takes off 2 coats, then a jacket, then 7 jumpers, 3 tshirts, and reveals yet another coat…
The Doctor says “Hold on Quasi, hold on!”, “why are you wearing so many clothes?”
Quasi says he… read more
UPVOTE DOWNVOTE REPORT
What do you call an Egyptian test administrator who heals back pain?
A Cairo-Proctor!
UPVOTE DOWNVOTE REPORT
so a guy walks into te doctors office,
and he says “hey man, I have really bad back pain” the doctor asks why, and the guy says “Well I came home from work, to find wife in bed naked, and it was obvious there was another guy there, so I started looking. I go over to the window, and see a naked guy running down the street. so I grabbed th… read more
UPVOTE DOWNVOTE REPORT
Related Searches
Related Categories
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
1. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
2. Grooms, once you get married remember that when you have a discussion with your future wife, always get the last two words in: “Yes, dear.”
3. My wife gave birth four times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I haven’t fit in my pants since March.
4. Marriage is like going to a restaurant. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.
5. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
6. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock. Why are husbands like lawnmowers? They’re hard to get started, emit foul odors and don’t work half the time!
7. Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half shut afterward. What did Cinderella say when her photos did not show up? Someday my prints will come!
8. What is the penalty for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
9. I must inform you that I’ve had rather a heavy night and I’m still feeling a little fragile. Therefore please spare a thought and try not to clap and yelp too loudly during my speech, however tempting that might be. You’d think I’d know better than to be out boozing in the early hours just before a big wedding, but I don’t like to see the groom drinking alone.
10. The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?” “Why?” “Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere.”
%20(1).png?1535875885793)
Nutsrok 