Deal of a Lifetime

You’ve seen my posts about my one-hundred twenty-two pound Mastiff mix, Croc.   Just so you know, Croc does have a few faults, but he is a good eater.  I tried mixing kibble with a can of dog food to encourage Buzzy, my little dog to eat.  It’s not unusual for Buzzy to go a couple of days and not touch food.  When he finally gets hungry, he will run by and grab two or three kibbles.  The mix only enticed Buzzy for a day or two, though it did enable Croc to gain ten pounds in a couple of weeks.

All that eating pays off like a slot machine.  Croc regularly cranks out four major poops a day.  Bud does all our accounts.  Based on his calculations, Croc’s poops cost about a dollar each.  That’s one fancy dog.  Hopefully, it was a good economic move to cut him back to just kibble.

All that food creates a malodorous symphony.  Needless to say, Croc is not constrained by modesty and sounds like the tuba section in a brass band. The concert doesn’t seem to disturb him, but he has been known to get up and move when the odor is powerful enough to make his eyes water.  He appears to hold a grudge toward us if the aroma moves him along.  It’s not unusual for him to glare at us accusingly if he’s especially offended.

So Horrible It Has to be Shared!

Have you ever had an experience so horrible it had to be shared? Maybe something smells or tastes so bad you cant leave it alone. ”Taste this! It’s disgusting!” Over your poor friend’s protests, you insist. “No really, you gotta taste this! It’s horrible!”

That’s why I have to inflict this story on you.

A few days ago, I got an early start, vacuumed, mopped, changed my sheets, and tidied up before settling into my comfy chair with my laptop to write. As I gathered my thoughts and awaited inspiration, Bud and Buzzy approached the patio door.

Buzzy, my American Eskimo Dog is sedate and well-mannered, so it startled me to see him burst through the patio door like a bat out of Hell before he launched himself half-way across the room into my lap. As Bud headed to his office, he nonchalantly mentioned Buzzy might be suffering from some abdominal distress. Sure enough, Buzzy rapidly spun three three or four rotations in my lap and on top of my computer. I tried to calm his nerves and was assaulted by the smell of feces and the nauseating sight of an excrement-smeared computer screen and filthy clothes. Wisely, as I struggled to dig out from under the tornado of a poop monster, Bud disappeared into his office feigning deafness.

Heartbroken by his poor welcome, Buzzy fled to a place of consolation, my fresh bed. Like his wolf-ancestors, before lying down he made two or three circles to prepare his bed. Miraculously, Bud had somehow become aware of the festivities, as had our other dog, a huge Mastiff mix, Croc. Not wanting Buzzy to have all the fun, Croc inserted himself into the melee. The curious one-hundred twenty pound dog jealously trying to stay between Buzzy and his pursuers complicated the situation exponentially. Croc had no clue what the concern was since he and Buzzy greeted each other genteelly with a sniff of the nether portions first thing every morning, but had no intention of being denied a good time. 

With a bit of a scuffle, Bud shut Croc out while  we progressed to the bathroom as Croc howled in outrage., “I poop a lot more than he does!  Where’s my party?” Not having had a chance to evaluate the situation, I wrestled Buzzy into the sink, but not before most bathroom surfaces took on a fine patina of poop. Holding Buzzy in place, I ran water and added soap for his bath. Very quickly, I became aware a sink-bath wouldn’t suffice. Taking him to a tub outdoors was out of the question, so he was destined for his first shower. Naturally, he could hardly be expected to shower himself, so I climbed in. Surprisingly, that was the easiest part of the ordeal. He behaved perfectly throughout the process.

Fortunately for the sake of our marriage, Bud didn’t get off too easily. While Buzzy and I showered, he cleaned the walls and floors, all the way back to where Buzzy had made his grand entrance. By the time the shower was over was over and Buzzy dried, the bed was stripped and the washer and hamper were full of disgusting laundry. As a special bonus, the sink was plugged with excreta and long, white dog hair, another diversion for Bud.

In the week before, I had intended to get Buzzy in for grooming. Much to his joy, I’d never made it. Though his coat is beautiful, particularly in hot weather, it benefits from regular brushing. I am especially careful to brush him thoroughly before bathing to remove loose hair and minimize matting. Sadly, Buzzy had not advised me of his plans. He was so matted after bathing, I wasn’t able to finish the job in one brushing. I’d brush a while , let him take a break, and pick up with the job, later. Some mats even required scissoring, something I’ve never had to do before. I think I’ve gotten enough hair out to upholster another whole dog. Sadly, all that brushing makes Croc even more envious. He’s required an inordinate amount of brushing, too.

Many hours later, things settled to normal.  Next time I am ready, I’ll be more specific in my search for inspiration.

Meet the Help

I don’t know how people get by without dogs.  We have two, Buzzy, an American Eskimo Dog, and Croc, a mastiff mix.  They shoulder a lot of responsibility around here.  Below, they are pictured helping Bud in the shop.

Buzzy is on weed patrol.

Croc valiantly keeps the Fed Ex man at bay.

They are both checking to see whether this pillow should be on the floor.

Serving as area rugs.  Notice the white fluff about halfway to the TV.  Croc thoughtfully pulled it out of Buzzy’s tail and left it there for me, just in case I was looking for some.

They also keep the floors free of snacks at all times.