Don’t Spin Your Greens, Granny!

When you live in the South and visit old folks in the country, the first thing you have to do is admire their garden. If you run out of excuses, you’ll come home with a “mess of greens.” I hate dealing with greens. For the unenlightened, greens include turnips, collards, or mustard greens. Boiled down low, with a bit of pork, and garnished with a splash of “pepper sauce,” greens make a delicious meal. A true connoisseur polishes off by sopping up the juice, or pot-liquor with cornbread. If you’re above the Mason-Dixon Line, try a roll. That’s the happy ending.

Now, we get down to the nitty gritty, literally. Greens have to be “looked and washed.” The first step is dispossessing the wildlife who habituate greens. Nobody wants to find half a worm or a cluster of bug eggs in their pot-liquor. You have to give both sides of each rumpled leaf a good look, wash, and then rinse copiously. I’d heard the glorious news that greens could be washed in the washing machine, cutting down tremendously on prep time.

The next time Bud visited an elderly family member, he came back wagging a bag of greens. I didn’t moan like normal, having recently heard the good news that greens could be washed in the washing machine. As usual, the basic information registered, not the total technique. I loaded the washer with dirty greens and detergent and hit the start button. Quite a while later, the alarm sounded, and I went to retrieve my sparkling greens. Alas, no greens remained, just a few tough stems and a few bits of leaves. A follow-up conversation with my friend revealed that I should have only washed them on gentle and not continue on to spend.

Though I hoped he’d forget, Bud came in that night expecting greens. I feigned innocence. “What greens?” It didn’t fly. “The greens I brought in yesterday.” It’s hard to come up with an excuse how precious greens went missing. I gave up and told the truth, though I don’t like worrying Bud stuff with that gets his blood pressure up. I’m considerate that way.

“They went down the drain.”

“How in the Hell did they go down the drain?” I don’t know why he gets all up in my housekeeping and cooking business. “

“They just did. Now don’t keep asking nosy questions!” “

“Exactly what drain and how did that happen?” “

“The washing machine drain.” I

I hoped if I answered matter-of-factly, he’d move on. I didn’t work. “

“You put greens in the washing machine? What in the Hell were you thinking?” I

I hate it when he apes back what I’ve just said. I’ve told him it gets on my nerves. “It takes forever to look and wash greens. Jenny told me she puts hers in the washer and it works great. I didn’t realize I wasn’t supposed to put them through spin.”

“Grouch, grouch, grouch @^%&( , #@$%! Don’t ever put )(^%&# greens in the washer, again!”

“Okay, okay. Don’t go on forever about it. I get tired of your nagging” Since then I’ve been careful not to spin them. It works great.

Precious Memories

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old man sitting on a park
bench crying his eyes out. I stopped to ask him what was wrong.

He sobbed, “I have a 22 year old wife at home. She rubs my back every
morning ,then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and
freshly ground coffee.’

I continued, ‘Well, then why in the world are you crying?’

He went on, “She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favourite
biscuits, cleans the house and then watches sports TV with me for the rest
of the afternoon.’

“So why are you crying?’ I asked again.

He said, ‘For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my
favourite dessert and then we cuddle until I go to sleep.”

I inquired, ‘Well then, why in the world would you be crying?’

He wailed, ‘I can’t remember where I live.’

Ask Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,

My husband and I have been married fourteen years.  We have been trying to have a child for ten.  We recently went through a rough patch and separated for a few months.  I was intimate with an old friend during that period.  My husband and I reconciled and I realized I was pregnant, afterwards.  Either man could be the father.  My husband knows the whole story and wants the baby, either way. This may be our only chance to have a child.  The other man is divorced and recently lost his only child, so it is not unlikely he will suspect the child could be his and want paternal rights.  Both sets of grandparents are ecstatic about the baby, though of course, they don’t know the whole story.   I don’t want this child to be hurt.  My husband’s parents would not welcome a child not of their blood.  How do I handle this?  Worried Mama

Dear Worried, If you and your husband are in agreement, that is what matters.  With the possibility of custody questions looming, I would be proactive and do DNA testing at birth and talk to a lawyer pending results.  Many families have to share custody.  As far as the grandparents, I can’t see how it would help them to have extra time to worry.  Good luck.

 

Auntie Linda,  My sister is a serial marrier.  She is thirty-eight and has been married four times and had numerous relationships and children with two exes. She has a well-established pattern.  While in a relationship, she meets the love of her life, and begins clandestine affair, while raging and abusing the current guy, before moving on to next relationships.  All of her husbands have been good guys but I have become reluctant to become close to her current husband since he probably won’t be around long.  She is already becoming critical of him, meaning he will soon be history.  In other relationships, she has maintained contact with  “friends” during her marriage, becoming increasingly involved as her relationship or marriage falls apart.  Recently, her husband asked to speak to me about their marriage.  I’d rather not get into her behaviors or history.  It is awkward for her children and the rest of our family to have to deal with her ever-changing partners.  Over the years, we’ve had so many come and go it’s odd to see who is in holiday pictures.  How does family maintain relationships without getting dragged into multiple relationships? Tired of love

Dear Tired, You needn’t feel any responsibility beyond common courtesy.  It’s not your job to defend or explain your sister.  People should go into relationships with their eyes wide open, understanding people with a history of many broken marriages and relationships are not a good risk.  That’s a lot of baggage.  You might just as hubby #4 if he can count and wish him luck.

Ask Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, My husband, Bob, had a cancerous kidney removed four years ago. Our marriage was never good. He is a truck driver and did well until three weeks ago when he was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor after a seizure. Now, he is unable to work. His prognosis is poor and he needs my health insurance. We have three children. I had already told him I was leaving before all this happened. I could never leave him, now, with him being sick. He had already confronted me because of some text messages and emails he found, though I am pretty sure he has been unfaithful as well. He knows I have gotten involved with Mike, co-worker. I want a relationship with him.

Bob, our children, and I are all devastated by Bob’s illness and terminal diagnosis. They know I was leaving before all this happened, and immediately they all started saying I had to stay now. I feel awful about Bob’s illness. I know I am hopelessly stuck. Both our families are involved now. We live in small town where everyone knows everyone else’s business. Our minister has already been here to visit.

I know I have to stay and care for Bob till the end. That is not my issue. Mike is very supportive. He understands I cannot leave Bob and isn’t asking for that. There is a workshop for my job I must attend in San Francisco next month. Bob’s parents will be coming to stay with him and the children while I must be gone.

Mike wants us to be together that week. I don’t see how it would hurt since Bob knows how I felt before his illness. I wouldn’t hurt Bob by rubbing his nose in it, but I don’t see why I shouldn’t take this opportunity since Bob knew I was leaving him before his diagnosis. Am I wrong to want some happiness before what promises to be a miserable, lengthy ordeal?  Molasses Molly

Dear Molasses,  No, you are not wrong to want happiness, but this is not the time to put yourself first.  Escape will not solve your problems.  Examine your conscience.  You know Bob’s time is limited.  If your relationship with your children is important, don’t lose sight of the fact that it will be impacted forever.  Their sympathies will be with him.  If the ethics of that don’t concern you,  being involved with a coworker may be a sexual harassment issue, not to mention the damage to your professional reputation and possible job loss.  On a more practical level, you and Bob share a financial situation.  You could be left with astronomical expenses should you lose your job.

I suggest you back off, support Bob and the children through his illness, and consider your needs when the situation changes. I can’t see how adding another problem to the mix will help. Auntie Linda

P. S.  Old Mike sounds like a real buzzard.

 

Dear Auntie Linda,  Our parents had to go in a nursing home a year ago because two of my sisters and I could no longer care for them at home.  My father had end-stage lung disease requiring professional care.  Mother has early Alzheimer’s Disease.  Though she appears fairly functional on visits, she requires constant attendance since she wanders off and can’t manage her daily care.  The problem is, my father died three weeks ago.  Now, one sister who lives several hours away insists Mother is well enough to return home with some help.  Of course, Mother is all for it.  The problem of managing her care would fall on me and my two sisters who live near Mother.  Even though she appears pleasant and competent, Mother can not be left alone.  She was leaving burners on even before she went in the nursing home.  Several times we had to go looking for her in all weather.  Even though we have made this clear to my sister, she insists Mother can manage with home health.  She says we (not her) can check on her a couple of times a day.  The responsibility of Mother’s care would fall on those of us who live in town, and we have already tried everything.  I am worried my sister will move her home over our objections.  What do we do? Exhausted

Dear Exhausted, Make it clear to your sister that you will not accept responsibility for caring for your mother at home.  If your sister insists on bringing her home, involve the social worker and adult protection if necessary.  Your sister cannot force you to assume responsibility.

 

 

Dear Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, I was out to dinner with a group of friends from work when John, an old boyfriend, spotted me and stopped by our table. We were a couple for a few months until I realized he was a narcissist and I realized I needed out. I don’t know why I ever went out with him to start with since he had three ex-wives and four children. We remained on vaguely friendly terms, so I wasn’t surprised he stopped off speak to me. me. Part of the reason we broke up was because I found out he cheated with old girlfriends the whole time I thought we were in a committed relationship. That, and the fact the he became more critical and more manipulative the whole time we were together. I am now happily married with a new baby., now, and want nothing to do with him. One of our group posted a picture with names of everyone in our party.

When I came back from three months maternity leave, Jody, one of my office mates was excited to tell me that John messaged her after seeing her on Facebook. John has moved in with her, and they plan to marry right away. She was over the moon with joy. “John treats me like a princess. John is crazy about my kids. We go out to dinner every night. He wants to get married right away and have a baby.” She is a friend as well as co worker. I feel awful for her. She is smitten. This is John’s pattern, as I sadly learned.

I was very non-commital, but am torn over what, if anything, I should say to her. I don’t want her to think I am still interested in John. On one hand, I like Jody and work in the office next to her. She knows John and I were a couple and has asked a few questions. I don’t want to go into our history, but feel sure she is headed for trouble. I dread having to see it firsthand, especially at work on a daily basis. Should I try to tip her off or just let the chips fall? Been There

Dear Been There, If Jody asks for advice, there’s no reason you shouldn’t give generic advice like, “I always encourage people to take the time to get to know their fiancé well before jumping in with both feet.” Chances are, she’s made up her mind. Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, my husband and I are retired. We both worked hard and split the chores while we worked. I did most of the housekeeping, cooking, and laundry. He did the mowing, car care, and bill-paying. Since we retired, I work outdoors a lot, because I enjoy it, still cook two meals a day, and do all the household chores. The problem is, I spend a lot more time working now that he does. He doesn’t want to pick up any household chores or pay for cleaning help, even though we can easily afford it. How do we settle this? Katie the Cleaning Lady

Dear Katie, Is your husband inclined to be fair in general? Sounds like he doesn’t want to give up a good deal. It depends on whether you are willing to do. If he is unwilling to do some swapping, let him eat whatever he wants to fix for dinner and leave his laundry. Cold cereal, peanut butter, baloney sandwiches and canned soup are way cheaper than big meals. You could save grocery money and pay cleaning help. If he is not interested in change, it’s up to you. Let some stuff go. Auntie Linda

All You Need to Know to Get Along with a Man/Woman

The Real Definition of Words When Used By Women

1. Fine – I am right. This argument is over. You need to shut up.
2. That’s Okay – One of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. “That’s okay” means she wants to think hard and long before deciding when and how you’ll pay for your mistake.
3. Nothing – The calm before the storm. This means “Something” and you better be on your toes. Note: Arguments that start with “Nothing” usually end with “Fine” (See #1).
4. Five Minutes – If getting dressed, this means half an hour. (Don’t be mad about this. It’s the same definition for you when it’s your turn to do some chores around the house.)
5. Thanks – A woman is thanking you. Do not question this or faint. Just say, “You’re welcome,” and let it go.
6. Loud Sigh – Not actually a word but rather a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. It means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is standing here wasting her time arguing with you about “Nothing.” (See #3)
7. Go Ahead – This is a dare, not permission. (Don’t Do It!)
8. Don’t worry about it, I got it – The second most dangerous statement a woman can make. It means that a woman has asked a man several times to do something and is now doing it herself. (This will result in you asking at a later date, “What’s wrong?” For the woman’s response, see #3.)

 

Differences Between Man and Women

Names

If Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara.

If John, Brad, Tony and Daniel go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bruno, Scrappy, Peanut-Head and Godzilla.

Eating Out

When the bill arrives, John, Brad, Tony and Daniel will each throw in $20, even though the total is only $34.25. None of them will have any smaller bills and none will admit they want change back.

When Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

Money

A man will pay $10 for a $5 item he needs.

A woman will pay $5 for a $10 item that she doesn’t need, because it’s on sale.

Bathrooms

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, razor, shaving cream, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Motel 6.

The average number of items in a woman’s bathroom is 328. The average man would not be able to identify most of them.

Arguments

Women always have the last word in an argument. Anything a man adds after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Cats

Women love cats.

Men may say they love cats, but when women are not looking, will men kick cats.

Future

A woman worries about the future — until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future — until he gets a wife.

Success

A successful man is one who makes more money than can be spent by his wife.

A successful woman is one who can find that a man.

Marriage

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.

Dressing Up

A woman will dress up when she goes shopping, empties the garbage, answers the phone, waters the plants, gets the mail and reads a book.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

Natural

Men wake up looking as good as when they went to bed.

Women will somehow deteriorate during the night.

Children

A woman knows all about her children. She knows about their best friends, romances, secret hopes and dreams, favorite foods, fears and dental appointments.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Thought for the Day

Married men should forget their mistakes. There is no need for two people to remember the same thing.

 

Te Be Six Again

You really have to give this guy an A+ for effort.

George was a thoughtful husband. He wanted to give his wife something special for her birthday which was coming up soon. As he sat on the edge of the bed, he watched his wife turning back and forth and looking at herself in the mirror. “Reta,” he said, “What would you like for your birthday?”

His wife continued to look at herself and said, “I’d like to be six again.”

George knew just what to do. On the big day, he got up early and made his wife a bowl of Fruit Loops. Then he took her to an amusement park where they rode all the rides. Five hours later, Reta’s stomach felt upside down and her head was reeling. Never the less, George took her to McDonald’s and bought her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Next, it was a movie with popcorn, soda and her favorite candy.

As Reta wobbled into the house that evening and flopped on the bed, George asked her, “Well, Dear, what was it like to be six again?”

Reta looked up at him. Her expression changed. She said, “I meant my dress size!”

 

Why Men Are Happier

Men can play with toys all their life.

Men can wear shorts no matter what their legs look like.

Men have one wallet and one pair of shoes which are good for every season.

Men can choose whether or not to grow a mustache.

Men can “do” their fingernails with a pocket knife.

Men’s bellies usually hide their large hips.

Chocolate is just another snack.

The whole garage belongs to them.

Weddings take care of themselves.

Men’s last name never changes.

Everything on a man’s face stays its original color.

Men only have to shave their faces and necks.

Men can keep the same hairstyle for years, even decades.

Men can do their Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on Christmas Eve in 25 minutes.

For men, wrinkles add character.

Men can go on a week’s vacation and pack only one suitcase.

Men’s new shoes don’t cause blisters, or cut or mangle their feet.

Men don’t have to stop and think which way to turn a screw.

Men have one mood all the time.

A wedding dress cost $5000. A tuxedo rental – 100 bucks

Men can open all their own jars.

Ask Auntie Linda, Straight Talk From a Straight Shooter

Dear Auntie Linda, I have a dilemma.  My divorced, 34-year-old daughter, Gwen asked me to help move her and her three children to more than five hundred miles to California where she had taken a job as an apartment manager.  When we got to the address, Gwennie ‘fessed up that she was there to marry a 21 year old man she’d met online.  Of course, I was furious.  The man was shocked to find out about the three children.  I tried to talk Gwennie out of staying, but she was adamant.  Thank goodness, the children wanted no part of it and we left for home immediately.  Gwennie refused my calls for two weeks.  I got a call from her yesterday.  She is staying at a women’s shelter and wants me to send money for plane fare home.  I don’t have an extra dollar.  I would have to sell my car to raise plane fare and then I couldn’t get to work.  My thirteen-year-old granddaughter is looking after the two little ones since I can’t even afford a babysitter.  I wouldn’t be able to feed them without help from the foodbank and church.

Gwennie has always been a pathological liar.  I have no confidence that she is truthful now.  Am I wrong to refuse to help?  Worn out with Gwennie

Dear Worn out, Sounds like a good time for Gwennie to learn to manage for herself, especially since she is not believable.  If she is in a womens shelter, she should avail herself of their services.  You have your hands full caring for Gwennie’s children.  Your first responsibility is to them.  You might consider seeing if Children’s Service can offer you any financial help since their mother is out of the picture.  They may be eligible for benefits as dependent children.

Dear Auntie Linda, My husband’s sister Trudy is ten years older than I.  Neither she nor my mother-in-law has ever accepted me nor welcomed me to the family.  This year, Trudy gave me a sweater she claimed was hand-knitted for Christmas.  When I got home I found a manufacturer’s label in it.  She is self-righteous and critical of me, often snidely pointing out my inadequacies as a wife, mother, and housekeeper, saying, “This is how our family always does things.”  Should I mention that I found the label on the sweater?  It might shut her up.  My husband wants me to let it go in the name of peace, but I’d like her to know I know.  What should I do?  Snubbed

Dear Snubbed, Maybe you should wear it next time you see her and leave it where she can’t avoid seeing label.  Things like that happen sometimes when you are a little untidy.  Auntie Linda

Ask Auntie Linda, Straight Talk from a Straight Shooter

Dear Auntie Linda, Reggie and I have been seeing each other off and on for a year.  He says he doesn’t love me, but I know he does.  Every time he leaves me, he ends up coming back to cry on my shoulder.  Why would he keep coming back if he didn’t love me?  The sex is wonderful, but we he never stays long afterward.  I want a real relationship and want to meet his family and friends, but he says he’s not ready for that.  I was offered a job in another city, but he has told me not to take it or I won’t see him any more.  I really hate to turn the job down, but am willing to if Reggie will commit.    I want him more than anything.  Do you think if I gave him an ultimatum, it would make a difference?  In Love

Dear In Love, if Reggie says he doesn’t love you, he doesn’t.  You are fooling yourself.  He keeps coming back when he needs sex with no commitment or investment.  Do yourself a favor and get rid of him, whether or not you take the new job.  Don’t waste anymore time on a man who has no interest in you beyond sex.  You deserve better.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  My step-brother and I got reacquainted at my stepfather’s funeral after not seeing each other except rarely since I was thirteen and he was twenty.  He lived with his mother in Nebraska and I lived with my mother and stepfather in Indiana and our paths didn’t cross a lot.   When I got a job in New York City, we became friends.  Since then, we’ve fallen for each other.  My mother hit the ceiling when We told her we plan to marry.  She says it’s not decent and says she will be ashamed to tell any of her friends.  She says people will think we were carrying on since we were kids in the house together.  I have reminded her that we hardly knew each other, but she said it is disgusting.  I love my mother, but she is very manipulative and difficult.  I feel she is wrong to put roadblocks in our path.  She also threatened to disown my sister when she married outside my mother’s faith, even though it was not my sister’s faith.  She became resigned to that marriage, though she is not warm to my brother-in-law.  Is there any reason we shouldn’t marry?  Two-steps

Dear Two-steps,  There is no reason you shouldn’t marry.  People will think what they want, but you don’t owe anyone explanations.  Chances are, your mother would offer objections no matter who you choose to marry.  You will just have to decide for yourself, but her objections don’t sound credible.  Auntie Linda

 

Ask Auntie Linda, Straight Talk from a Straight Shooter

Dear Auntie Linda,  We were going to be out of town for the holidays, so we got a young man who grew up with our son to and whose parents are our best friends to housesit and care for our dogs.  We’ve known him for years and felt comfortable having him stay even though he’s college age.  We paid him well to watch the dogs  and maintain the house.  The neighbors told us later he had a girlfriend over the whole time, though he told us he wouldn’t have strangers in the house.  They had to call the police on a loud party.  We got a frantic call that one of our Dachshunds had to go to the vet with a broken leg on Christmas Eve.  Evie is an older dog and not able to move fast enough to get out of people’s way.  I suspect she was kicked or hurt by rough play at the party the neighbors complained about. A good bit of alcohol is missing from our cabinet and we can tell someone was in our bedroom.  We are very upset about the way things went.  We foolishly paid Jerome before we left, knowing he needed the money for Christmas.  We tried to reach Jerome, but he won’t return our calls.  Should we tell his parents? We feel he should make good on damages.  Mad

Dear Mad,  If this guy is in college, he is responsible for himself.  I’d make a point to let him know what a rotten job he did, but unless you are willing to sue, he is not likely to make good.  I wouldn’t hesitate to tell his parents about the bad experience if they asked, but they aren’t responsible. However, they don’t need to recommend him to anyone else.  He may just be a kid who exercised bad judgment, but I’m sure you won’t need his services again.  If anyone asks you for a recommendation, be sure to say there were problems. Auntie Linda