The doctor took his patient into the room and said, “I have some good news and some bad news.”
“Give me the good news,” said the patient.
“They’re going to name a disease after you.”
How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
That depends on whether the light bulb has health insurance!
You might be a E.R. doctor if …
Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you.
You say to yourself “great veins” when looking at complete strangers.
You have ever had a patient look you straight in the eye and say “I have no idea how that got stuck in there!”
Your immune system attacks a dog crossing your front lawn.
A seven-year-old girl told her mom, “A boy in my class asked me to play doctor today.”
“Oh, dear,” the mother sighed nervously. “Tell me exactly what happened, darling.”
“Oh, not much. He made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company.”
A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE: “Doctor, I have an ear ache.”
2000 B.C. – “Here, eat this root.”
1000 B.C. – “That root is heathen, say this prayer.”
1850 A.D. – “That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.”
1940 A.D. – “That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.”
1985 A.D. – “That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.”
2000 A.D. – “That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!”
A man comes to the doctor desperate for relief from chronic migraine headaches. When the doctor takes a look at his medical history, he discovers that his poor patient has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement. “Listen,” says the doctor. “I have migranes, too … and I’m going to give you some personal advice. There are no clinical studies to back this up, but this is what I do for my own migraines, and it works for me. When I feel a migraine coming on, I go home, take a nice hot bath and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand … especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex … and this almost always cures my headache. Give it a try and come back in six weeks.”
Six weeks later, the patient returns with a huge grin. “Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I’ve had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!”
“Well,” says the physician, “I’m glad I could help.”
“By the way, Doc,” the patient adds, “You have a really nice house.”
An elderly woman walks into a plastic surgeon’s office and tells him she wants a facelift. He says “Well, we have three options. The first is for $1000 and is guaranteed for one year, the second is $3000 and is guaranteed for 3 years and the last is $5000 and it is guaranteed for 5 years.”
The old lady says “Well tell me about the various procedures.”
The doctor says, “For $1000 I can take a few years off and smooth out your wrinkles, but you’ll need to have the procedure repeated year.”
“Forget that one,” she says. “What about the other options?”
“For $3000,” the surgeon explains, “I can do a much better job. I can take twenty years off your face, but you’ll still need a touch up every three years or so.”
“No, that’s no good either,” the woman complains. “What about the last option?”
“For $5000,” the doctor replies, “you are going to get the best facelift modern medicine has to offer, with a feature that is on the cutting edge of plastic surgery technology. I’ll attach a screw to the back of your head and if you notice your face sagging, you can come back in and I’ll tighten the screw.”
The old lady is delighted and has the surgery, but about 6 months later she returns to the office very upset. “Doctor, I want my money back!” she cries. “I look horrible! Look at these bags under my eyes!”
The doctor leans back in his chair and says, “Lady, you aren’t getting anything back. Those bags under your eyes are your tits and if you keep messing with that screw, you’re going to have a mustache.
Learning to get by was the best thing that ever happened to me. Growing up on a farm, the second of five children, I learned responsibility, despite my best efforts not to. We were all needed, just to get by.. With stock to feed, hay to make, gardens to care for, there weren’t too many idle moments. That was before helping Mother in the house, sharing responsibility for the younger children, gardening, canning and freezing produce, and church and school. School was always welcome. I dreaded seeing the long, hot summer after I got old enough to really help out.
There was never enough money to go around. We sewed for ourselves and the little girls, as often as not from the cache of fabric Grandma sent over the years. It didn’t matter if we liked it or not. We took out turns at the best, making do with the rest, using patterns several times, or cutting copies from other people’s patterns. Mother never threw out a button or zipper, taking old ones out of worn out clothes. No need to purchase needlessly. This was common at the time, saving a good deal of money. Most outfits turned out well-enough, but I do remember a bright-pink newsprint dress I made when I drew the short straw. Another time I lost out and got fabric with four inch tall lollipops. Neither was my favorite, but I wore them. Phyllis had a brown print with stage-coaches on it. Surely those pieces must have been marked down when Grandma grabbed that fabric. A few times Grandma tormented us by sending horrible, out-of -style dresses from Goodwill, but that’s a whole different story. Sometimes they could be remodeled, altered, and updated, sometimes not. I became expert with alterations and remodeling, something they didn’t even teach in home-economics.
Bud and I got married when we had a year of college left. Between us, we made thirteen-hundred dollars that year. I had a loan for my college. He didn’t. We both worked student jobs.
Lots of days, we fished in the afternoons. If we caught fish, we cooked them up for supper. No luck, we had grits and biscuits and gravy or beans and rice. Plain beans and rice, not beans, rice, sausage, and cornbread with a side of slaw.
More often than not, we caught our supper. We made just enough money to pay our rent, seventy-five dollars monthly, and utilities less than fifteen dollars a month, since we only used gas for cooking and heating on the coldest nights of winter. We had no television, air-conditioning, or telephone. Whatever money we had left after paying rent and utilities went for groceries, way less than twenty-five dollars a month. In the unlikely event we had a dollar or two left, we might by some gasoline. It was understood, if our parents wanted us to come visit, they’d have to buy us a little gas to get back home. Two or three dollars would do it. I think they were glad to pay up, just to get us on the road. We’d get home for major holidays.
I never felt poor. I didn’t worry about what would happen if we had a problem, just understood we’d do something. I learned then, that if you had enough to eat, clean water, something to wear, safety and shelter, that’s a blessing. The world is full of people no less deserving than I who struggle for that. If worst came to worst, one of us could get a job long enough for the other to graduate. It was a wonderful time. We’ve never been more carefree or had more fun. It’s good we didn’t have a dog, though. We’d probably have had to eat him!
Blonde jokes – Memories
From the memories of a blonde: The first minutes of pregnancy were just wonderful…
Stuck in elevator
A blonde and a brunette are in a car. Unexpectedly the car stops. The blonde asks:
– What happened?
– We ran out of gas, – answers the brunette.
The blonde replies with a relief:
– Wow, you know so much about cars. If it was me, who was driving, I wouldn’t have known to stop.
Two blondes talk. One of them says:
– You know, I have cheated a taxi driver yesterday!!
– How did you do this?
The blonde replies:
– I paid, but I didn’t get in.
How to make a blonde marry you? Tell her that she’s pregnant…
Two blondes talk:
– Listen, your hair look likes a wig.
– But it is a wig.
– So cool, and it looks like real hair.
You never know
Two blondes talk:
– Did you know that this time the New Year will be on Friday?
– Really, I hope it won’t be on 13th.
Funny jokes about blondes – In the hospital
A blonde comes to a doctor and complains:
– Doc, please help: when I touch my head – it hurts, when I touch my belly – it hurts, when I touch my leg – it hurts…
Well here’s the problem. Your finger is broken.
A brunette, a red-haired and a blonde comes to an edge of a hill. The rule is: if you lie, you fall off the hill.
A brunette says: – I think I’m the most beautiful… And she falls off the hill.
A red-haired says: – I think I’m the most clever… And she falls off the hill.
A blonde says: I think… And she falls off the hill.
Funny blonde jokes – Together
Two blondes go into a toilet and they both got locked in.
The first shouts:
– Help, help!
The second one suggests:
– Let’s shout together.
Now they both shout:
– Together, together…
Funny blonde jokes – Occupation
How can you keep a blonde girl interested for hours:
Give her a sheet of paper and write on both sides: “Look on the other side”.
Funny blonde jokes – Driving test
A blonde comes to driving practice test. She gets into the car and immediately the instructor says:
– You have failed.
– But why, I have just got into the car.
– Yes, but you sat on the back seat.
Funny blonde jokes – Swimming
There were three people stranded on an island: a brunette, a redhead and a
blonde. The brunette looked over the water to mainland and estimated about 20
miles to shore. So she announced, “I’m going to try to swim to shore.” So she
swam out 5 miles, and got really tired. She swam out 10 miles from the island,
and she was so tired to go on, so she drowned.
The second one, the redhead said to herself, “I wonder if she made it. I guess it’s better to try to get to the mainland than stayed here and starve.” So she attempts to swim out.
The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she was so tired to go on, so she drowned.
So the blonde thought to herself, “I wonder if they made it! I think I’d better try to make it, too. “So she swan out 5 miles,10 miles,15 miles, and finally 19 miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, “I’m too tired to go on! “So she swam back.
Funny blonde jokes – A microwave
A blonde went to an appliance store sale and found a bargain. “I would like to buy this TV,” she told the salesman.
“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.
She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, “I would like to buy this TV.”
“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.
“Damn, he recognized me, ” she thought.
She went for a complete disguise this time: a brown curly wig, big baggy clothes, and big sunglasses. Then she waited a few days before she approached the salesman again and said, “I would like to buy this TV.”
“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed, “How do you know I’m a blonde?”
“Because that’s a microwave,” he replied.
Funny blonde jokes – Spots
A blonde went to a doctor and complained, “I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes.”
The physician scratched his head, “Have you seen an ophthalmologist?”
“No,” she said, “just spots.”
Funny blonde jokes – Logics
Two blondes sail with the boat. Suddenly, the hole appeared in the boat. The first blonde starts to panic, and another says: – Do not worry, I’ll make a second hole through which the water will run out