A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. “Pardon me,” she said, “I’m sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It’s just that you look just like my son, who just died recently.” “I’m very sorry,” replied the young man, “is there anything I can do for you?” “Yes,” she said, “As I’m leaving, can you say ‘Good bye, Mother’? It would make me feel so much better.” “Sure,” answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out, “Goodbye, Mother!” As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. “How can that be?” He asked, “I only purchased a few things!” “Your mother said that you would pay for her,” said the clerk.
Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again.”
To which the gentleman said, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will five times!”
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies — two in the front seat and three in the back — wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem? “Ma’am,” the officer replies, you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers. Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… Twenty-two miles an hour! “The old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22” was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time, “the officer asks. Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”
“How was your game, dear?” asked Jack’s wife Tracy.
“Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight’s gotten so bad I couldn’t see where the ball went,” he answered.
“But you’re 75 years old, Jack!” admonished his wife, “Why don’t you take my brother Scott along?”
“But he’s 85 and doesn’t play golf anymore,” protested Jack.
“But he’s got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you,” Tracy pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. “Do you see it?” asked Jack.
“Yup,” Scott answered.
“Well, where is it?” yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
The barnyard turned out to be just a bedraggled fence enclosing a chicken house with a row of nesting boxes. The chicken house had seen better days and leaned crazily to the left. Someone had thoughtfully propped it up enough so the eggs didn’t roll out of the boxes. Jamey picked up a pencil-marked egg and slung it against the barn. It exploded with a nauseating sulfurous smell and resounding pop, whereupon Jamey explained it had been left for the hen to “set on” and had rotted. I was familiar with the concept of “setting hens” and knew not to touch precious eggs. Mother had made it clear eggs were precious, not playthings. Nonetheless, Jamey took an egg from another nest and hurled it. It also exploded and turned the air to sulphur to the delight of the party-goers. Kids started flinging eggs madly. Knowing they were older and wiser, I joined in. Before long we’d exhausted the supply and moved across the road to the pig pen.
My parents had frequently complained about the malodorous pig pen, but in a rural community, only consideration governs location of noxious livestock. Conveniently for the Awfuls, a vacant house with an enclosed back lot stood between our place and theirs. They had wisely appropriated the back lot for their pig pen. It was much closer to our house than theirs, a wise decision on their part. The small pen was home to a couple of sows, their extended families, and millions of flies. Due to their wise location of the pig lot, we undoubtedly got a lot more effect than they did. My mother, in particular, was offended. Jamey, our fearless leader climbed on the rails. The smaller of the sows and her babies fled, squealing. The larger sow the size of a sofa, didn’t seem too disturbed from where she lounged in a muddy wallow across the pen. The baby pigs were so appealing, we decided to catch one and pet it. Jamey was a wonderful host. He dropped into the pen in pursuit of a little pig, followed by me and a couple more kids. My immediate attention was captured by the ripping of my dress where it caught on a fencepost, hanging me up from the top rail. Sofa-pig didn’t take all this well. She lunged at the kids with a guttural growl, running them back over the fence. Fortunately, I was suspended above the action and climbed to safety, though my fancy dress was done for. I wasn’t the only one who suffered damage to my wardrobe. As Jamey sailed over the fence, the mama pig got one of his new birthday tennis shoes. Mrs. Awful was not happy about that.
When we got back to the house and Mrs. Awful finished cursing about the lost birthday shoe, it was time to open the presents. As I said, this was my first birthday party. I was proud of the flashlight Mother had wrapped for me to bring to the party and couldn’t wait to get it back. Mother showed up for coffee just as I learned I was expected to leave it for Jamey. I wasn’t falling for that one. I was wrestling with Jamey for possession of the flashlight just as she walked in the gate. My behavior, coupled with the destroyed dress, put an end to the coffee-klatch. Mother dragged me home bawling without the flashlight, my tattered dress tail dragging in the dirt, my first big social fail.