Puppy Love

My dog is cheating on me.  He begs to go out then only stands in the drive and looks longingly at the neighbor’s house.  I do believe, if I allowed it, he’d  howl a serenade under the lady’s window.  A few times, she’s stopped to visit and pet him.  You’d think think she’d invited him into her life.  Puffing out his chest,  he peed impressively, then kicked up a huge cloud of dust. to show what a mighty fellow he is.  In all honesty, his bladder capacity is astounding since he’s a mastiff, but I don’t think it makes her want him more., nor does his habit of making a beeline to sniff her nether portions.

Worse yet, if he gets more than twenty feet ahead of me, he goes stone deaf.  Buzzy, my other dog, suffers the same malady.  Though we have a two-acre yard with plenty of poop room, they are both desperate to leave surprises for the neighbors.  Early on, I made sure they knew the perimeter of our yard.  Since then, they’ve both try not to go inside its boundaries.  If they got their heart’s desire, we’d be surrounded by a poop fence on all four sides ten feet just outside our property lines.  Buzzy’s deposits are offensive enough, but Croc’s leavings are mountainous.and would soon obscure the view if left to lie.  We’d be run out of the neighborhood if they got their wish.

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Accounting

Bud is fussy about his budget.  He does a computer check on the bank account every morning.  Our big dog, Croc eats a lot.  That goes in the budget.  What goes in must come out, so he poops a lot.  Bud also likes to work that not the budget.  “Croc pooped about a dollar’s worth.”

I’m glad I’m not in charge of accounting!”

Ask Auntie Linda July 22, 2015

Auntie Linda 

Dear Auntie Linda,   I am at my wit’s end.  I am a hairdresser, and believe me, I work hard and need every cent.  The problem is, one of my best clients has horrible breath.  I get faint holding my breath while I wax her eyebrows and lip.  She is such a sweet lady.  I wouldn’t hurt her feelings for anything and frankly, I have to have the money.  She is in at least every two weeks.  My budget is tight.  How can I tip her off without hurting her feeling?  Failing Fast

Dear Failing, Well, if you don’t want to come right out and ask if she’s been chewing her socks again, you might subtly do what my hairdresser does.  She keeps mints on her table and takes one herself every time she starts to do my hair and offers me one.  I wouldn’t dare not take one.  I’ve never had the nerve to see if she offers one to anybody else, but now that you brought this up, next time I think I’ll hide and watch.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  I don’t have a dog and have never had any particular desire to have dog poop in my yard.  Every time my daughter comes to visit, she lets her dog poop in my yard and doesn’t clean up after him. I am tired of cleaning up behind her dog.  How do I get her to stop?  Pooped out

Dear Pooped, If you don’t want to come right out and tell her, drop a gentle hint.  Scoop up the poop, hand her the bag, and tell her she forgot something.  Should you not want to discuss it, just put the bag in her purse or car.  That should do it.  Auntie Linda

Auntie Linda