Lawyer Jokes

From Law Review

Joke 1:

A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. “There must be some mistake,” the lawyer argues. “I’m too young to die. I’m only 55.” “Fifty-five?” says Saint Peter. “No, according to out calculations, you’re 82.” “How’d you get that?” the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter, “We added up your time sheets.”

Joke 2:

What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?

A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.

Joke 3:

One day in Contract Law class, the professor asked one of his better students, “Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?”

The student replied, “Here’s an orange.”

The professor was livid. “No! No! Think like a lawyer!”

The student then recited, “Okay, I’d tell him, ‘I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding…”

Joke 4:

As the lawyer awoke from surgery, he asked, “Why are all the blinds drawn?” The nurse answered, “There’s a fire across the street, and we didn’t want you to think you had died.”

Joke 5:

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl’s grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, “Mummy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?”

“Of course not, dear,” replied the mother, “Why would you think that?”

“The tombstone back there said… ‘Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'”

Joke 6:

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are fantasy creatures.

Joke 7:

At a convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarks to another, “Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?” “Really?” the other replied, “Why did you switch?” “Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don’t get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won’t do.”

Joke 8:

What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra?

Taller.

Joke 9:

The lawyer’s son wanted to follow in his father’s footsteps, so he went to law school and graduated with honors. Then he went home to join his father’s firm.

At the end of his first day at work, he rushed into his father’s office and said, “Father, father! In one day I broke the Smith case that you’ve been working on for so long!”

His father yelled, “You idiot! We’ve been living on the funding of that case for ten years!”

Joke 10:

How many lawyer jokes are in existence?

Only three. All the rest are true stories.

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Mother’s Day Pinto

Mother was a slow learner. It took her forever to learn that Daddy was not the thoughtful kind of guy who would ever surprise her with lovely gifts and gestures. He was more the kind of guy who felt sorry for himself when she got her feelings hurt or got mad. After all, he was pretty sure he’d gotten her something last year, for her birthday or Christmas, one or the other. What had she done with that eggbeater?

This year was going to be different. Virgil Hughes had a nice Pinto horse. It was a good deal since it “wasn’t broke” yet. Nobody really wanted it since it stomped Euless and broke his leg, but Daddy was sure he could make a fine riding horse out of it. Mother was scared of horses, but she’d get over that. If she didn’t, he’d ride it. Daddy stopped off on the way home from work the Friday before Mother’s Day to pick it up. It was kicking the side rails when he pulled in. He called Mother out to see her beautiful Pinto and she hit the ceiling. “Of all the things I need, you come bringing in a horse. We need another useless animal to feed like I need a hole in the head.” She stormed in, furious.

Daddy stomped off, putting the horse in the pasture. “Kathleen didn’t appreciate anything he did for her. It would be a cold day in Hell before he brought her anything else!

Happy Mother’s Day!

Evenng Chuckle

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enng Two elderly friends, Jack and Tom, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Jack didn’t show up. Tom didn’t think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.
But after Jack hadn’t shown up for a week or so, Tom got worried. Unfortunately he didn’t know where Jack lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
After a month passed, Tom figured he had seen the last of Jack, but one day, Tom approached the park and — lo and behold there sat Jack ! Tom, excited and happy, said how glad he was to see him, then blurted out, “For crying out loud, what on earth happened to you?”
“I’ve been in jail,” Jack said, with some embarrassment.
“Jail?” cried Tom. “What in the world for?”
“Well,” Jack said, “you know Marilyn, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes go?”
“Yeah,” said Tom, “I remember her. What about her?”
“Well, one day she filed rape charges against me and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded ‘guilty’.
“And you were convicted of rape?” asked Tom, stunned.
Jack replied, “No, the judge gave me thirty days for perjury.”

A man boarded a train and said to the conductor, “I’m a heavy sleeper.
Please be sure to wake me at 2:00 a.m. so that I can get off in Atlanta. Whatever I say, get me up. I have an extremely important business there!” The next morning the man woke up in Richmond. He found the conductor and shouted, “Do you know how angry I am?” “Probably about as angry as the man I had get off in Atlanta,” replied the conductor

The preacher’s Sunday sermon was “Forgive Your Enemies.” He asked how many of the congregation have forgiven their enemies? About half held up their hands. He then repeated his question. Now about 80 % held up their hands. He then repeated his question once more. All responded, except one elderly lady.
“Mrs. Johnson, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”
“I don’t have any.”
“Mrs. Johnson that is very unusual. How old are you?”
“Ninety-three,” she replied.
“Mrs. Johnson, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world?”
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle and said, “I outlived every one of those bitches!”