The Paper Plate Outrage

Eavesdropping on planes is one of life’s gifts. First of all, it costs nothing and could be considered a bonus that comes with your ticket. Most importantly, it is totally a guiltless indulgence, though some people might not appreciate it.

Today’s flight was packed. A gentleman seated behind us called a buddy and launched into his sad story as soon as he was seated, talking so loud the entire assemblage could hear.

“Man, I am so hungover and mad I can hardly think straight. I picked up a client for dinner and he wanted to drag a buddy along. I should have said no, but I was trying to be The Good Guy. They talked about his buddy’s divorce all through dinner. We didn’t get a bit of business done. I took them to a strip joint and it was all downhill. We all got drunk and I told him what I thought.

He paused for a bit,”No, I’m going straight to my office. I don’t want to see my wife. I blew up before I left. I came home for dinner and she dished my dinner up and banged it down on the counter. ‘Now, hold on,’ I said. ‘What happened to family dinners in the dining room?”

She got all huffy, moved my meal to the dining room table. Then she went back and started putting the kid’s dinners on paper plates.

“#|%^*!~. £#%~?{, I don’t want my kids growing up eating on paper plates like trash. I want them to remember eating in the dining room on real dishes. I don’t care if the dishwasher is broken. I’LL wash the ——ng dishes if that’s what it takes. I bought you a two million dollar house and I expect you to raise my kids right.”

Lengthy pause, then “I don’t even think I’ll go home. I think I’ll just call her tonight and tell her I’m done. She used to be my best friend. I don’t know what happened.”

Just then the stewardess came by and told him to get off the phone so that was the end of the call. He did apologize saying, “I’m sorry, I’ve got such a hangover I’m not thinking straight.”

Don’t you know his wife would be upset when she found out all she would have had to do was feed the kids on paper plates to get rid of him?

The Joy of People-Watching

img_1660The best part of traveling is people-watching.  A young family was sitting a sat or two behind me.  The mother had to take the little girl to the bathroom and interrogated the little boy vigorously as to whether he had to go.  Emphatically, he did not.  Mom annoyed him by asking again.  He stalwartly denied a need to go, despite her insistent interrogation.  Giving up, she took the little girl.  Not long after they were reseated and buckled in, imminent landed was announced.  He’d missed his chance.  Immediately, he set up a howl.  “Mom, get me out of here.  I gotta go! I gotta Go!  The pee is coming down!”

“What!  You said you didn’t have to go!”

 

Next I watched a young mother bouncing her wailing newborn.  Clearly, she was exhausted.  A young man walked up and she handed off baby, bottle, and pacifier. He skillfully bounced and fed the baby with pacifier in his mouth.  What a man!

 

Another couple was corralling two little guys.  The older knocked the smaller off a climbing toy.  Dad exploded.  “That’s it!” and stormed off.  Mom simultaneously calmed the little one and put the other in time out.  He howled.

“You hush and think about what you did.  I don’t like the way you treated your brother.”  He snuffled a while before quieting.  Before too long, he was playing with his brother.   Eventually, Dad was back.

Fashion Parade

accidents_waiting_to_happen_104545

'When I arrived I was cleanshaven.'

200111-funny-cartoon

Not too long ago Bud and I spent some time waiting to get our taxes done. Anxious waiting is the best kind. Several other couples were sharing our misery. They were sitting far enough away that I couldn’t initiate a conversation like I often do, so I had to content myself with giving them a thorough inspection, since their conversation held little interest. I admired the woman’s sweater of cheery buttercup yellow, well-made, and obviously high quality. It fit her perfectly. She saw me admiring her and smiled. What a nice lady. I’d like to visit with her.
Whispering, I pointed her out to Bud, “I love that woman’s sweater.”
Bud gave a cursory look, then commented, “I like her husband’s shirt.”
I hadn’t even noticed. The man was wearing the same Walmart shirt Bud was sporting, both a little worse for the wear.

The Paper Plate Outrage

Eavesdropping on planes is one of life’s gifts. First of all, it costs nothing and could be considered a bonus that comes with your ticket. Most importantly, it is totally a guiltless indulgence, though some people might not appreciate it.

Today’s flight was packed. A gentleman seated behind us called a buddy and launched into his sad story as soon as he was seated, talking so loud the entire assemblage could hear.

“Man, I am so hungover and mad I can hardly think straight. I picked up a client for dinner and he wanted to drag a buddy along. I should have said no, but I was trying to be The Good Guy. They talked about his buddy’s divorce all through dinner. We didn’t get a bit of business done. I took them to a strip joint and it was all downhill. We all got drunk and I told him what I thought.

He paused for a bit,”No, I’m going straight to my office. I don’t want to see my wife. I blew up before I left. I came home for dinner and she dished my dinner up and banged it down on the counter. ‘Now, hold on,’ I said. ‘What happened to family dinners in the dining room?”

She got all huffy, moved my meal to the dining room table. Then she went back and started putting the kid’s dinners on paper plates.

“#|%^*!~. £#%~?{, I don’t want my kids growing up eating on paper plates like trash. I want them to remember eating in the dining room on real dishes. I don’t care if the dishwasher is broken. I’LL wash the ——ng dishes if that’s what it takes. I bought you a two million dollar house and I expect you to raise my kids right.”

Lengthy pause, then “I don’t even think I’ll go home. I think I’ll just call her tonight and tell her I’m done. She used to be my best friend. I don’t know what happened.”

Just then the stewardess came by and told him to get off the phone so that was the end of the call. He did apologize saying, “I’m sorry, I’ve got such a hangover I’m not thinking straight.”

Don’t you know his wife was upset when she found out all she had to do was feed the kids on paper plates?

Miss Laura Mae’s House. Part 11

image

I got my biscuit and settled on the back step, singing the alphabet song.

Mother launched right into her conversation before Miss Laura Mae got the coffee poured.
“Laura Mae, I just got the strangest letter from Mama. You remember I told you my brother in the army got married not long ago and his wife was expecting.”

“Sure do. How’s she doing?”

“Well, Mama got a letter from John saying Wanda, that’s his wife, had gone back home to stay with her mama till the baby came. He didn’t say anything at the time, thinking she’d be back. I don’t know if she’d left him, or what, but he hadn’t let Mama and Daddy know. Her daddy was high up in the military on a base up in Nebraska. Anyway, the first thing anybody knew was that he’d gotten a letter from Wanda’s daddy saying she’d had twins, a girl and a boy, and that she and the babies had been crossing a railroad track and hit by a train. He said her daddy said they’d all been buried and to never contact him again. He said he just let it be.

Mama and Daddy, of course, were all upset, and Daddy caught the first bus to New Orleans to see about John. When he got there, John said he was fine and insisted Daddy go straight back home. He said he didn’t have any leave coming and didn’t even want Daddy to spend the night. Daddy came on home, like he asked. My sister, Annie came in that weekend. When she found out what happened, she told them something strange she had kept quiet about since it didn’t seem right. She’d gotten a letter from Wanda announcing their marriage. She wrote and told her and John she was coming over for the weekend. Well, when she got there, John met her at the bus station and told her she couldn’t stay. Wanda had gone off somewhere with her mama and daddy and he had to work. Annie couldn’t imagine what was going on. She went back home and reread her letter from Wanda, and thought it looked like it might be John’s handwriting. Mama went back and pulled out a letter she’d had from Wanda and thought it was possible John had written it, too. They don’t know if the whole thing was made up or what. I don’t know what to think. It all sounds too crazy to be true, doesn’t it? Have you ever heard such a thing? Please don’t repeat what I told you. I haven’t told another soul, but I just thought I’d pop if I couldn’t talk to somebody. I sure don’t want Bill to find out. He already thinks my family’s crazy. He’d never let me forget it.”

“Now, Honey, I hate to hear all that, but don’t be worryin”bout me tellin’ yore business. That whole story doesn’t sound right, but I didn’t git to be this old without learnin’ when to keep my mouth shut. Besides, since I’m the only one you tol’you’d know where it come from, wouldn’t you? Has your brother ever done anything odd before?”

“No, he’s always been steady as a rock. He went in the CCC when he was fifteen, then on his off time he took any job he could get, and always helped Mam and Daddy as much as he could. He finished high school in the Army since our little country school only went to tenth grade. I don’t know what to think. I’m just worried to death about him.”

“Well, I know you are, but folks deals with trouble in all kinds of ways. You’ll just have to let him be.”

“You’re sure right about that. I’ve got three little kids and I couldn’t go see about him if my life depended on it. I do feel bad for Mam and Daddy worrying about him.”

“I know you do, but they’ll have to make their own way, just like he will. Things have a way of workin’ out.”

https://nutsrok.wordpress.com/2016/04/28/update-to-miss-laura-maes-house-part-11/

https://nutsrok.wordpress.com/2016/04/29/miss-laura-maes-house-part-12/

Miss Laura Mae’s House Part 9

gossip 1Once again, I was sitting on the back step of Miss Laura Mae’s house with a biscuit. Miss Laura Mae was all flustered. I heard the phrase, “female trouble” and my ears perked up. Anything about “female trouble” got kids shooed outdoors. “Complications” rated even greater secrecy.

I’d just heard both. I hummed a tuneless something just so they’d be fooled into thinking I wasn’t listening. Occasionally, I said something to Miss Laura Mae’s old hound.

“Bessie, Floyd’s oldest sister was wild as they come when she was comin’ up. She slipped off an’ married when she was fifteen, and just stayed long enough to have them two young’uns. She like to drove her mama crazy. You couldn’t believe a word she said. She’d climb up on top of the house to tell a lie when it would’a been easier to stand on the ground and tell the truth. It seemed like she settled down an’ was gonna do good when she married Ben. He was a good feller an’ treated her kids good. He had that nice house his mama left him, worked steady and put his pay in the bank. I never heard him fuss with her. She was even Sunday School Superintendent down at the Mount Lebanon Baptist Church fer a while.

One year right before Christmas, she went to work in her sister’s café, waiting tables to git a little Christmas money. Ben didn’t want her to, said he could git whatever they needed, but she was bound an’ determined to do it. Wasn’t long before she was runnin’ around. She dumped them kids on her mama and run off with a feller named Jett. ‘Course, that didn’ last till the water got hot.

Next thing we knew, Bessie was in the hospital, her kidneys ‘bout shut down an’ she like to had a stroke. She pulled through but wasn’t able to do anything for a long time. Her sister Marthy took her in an’ took care of her an’ them kids for a good while. When she finally got back on her feet, she went back to Ben. The crazy thing was, she told ever’ body she’d been the one takin’ care of Marthy, ‘cause Marthy had been runnin’ around an’ got thataway while her husband Joe was off in the service. She claimed Marthy had took a bunch of quinine an’ got rid of the baby but it like to kilt ‘er. The whole thing was crazy. Ever’body knew what Bessie had been up to and knew about her being so sick in the hospital. I don’t know why she tol’ that crazy story layin’ it off on Marthy after she’d been so good to her. They just wasn’t no need. That was just how she is.

From my perch on the back step, I listened in, making no sense of the story, but knew it was good. I made up my mind to remember when I got a little older and smarter, I could figure out what it was all about.

https://nutsrok.wordpress.com/2016/04/27/miss-laura-maes-house-part-10/

The Joy of Eavesdropping

imageCaution you may be offended. Contains adult content!

We all have different parenting styles.

I overheard a hilarious phone conversation a furious friend and co-worker had with her teenage daughter at work one day. (repeated verbatim)

“Kaylee, You been gittin’ in my drawers!”

Pause

“Yes you have! I can tell you been diggin’ around in there! Them’s f___ing panties! Is you f____ing!”

She slammed the phone down. “I don’t know what I’m gonna do with that little ‘ho! I can’t keep her out of my f___ing panties”

I was rolling on the floor, laughing.

Overheard at Work

G string

Stop now if you are easily offended.  Contains adult content!

We all have different parenting styles.

I overheard a hilarious phone conversation a furious friend and co-worker had with her teenage daughter at work one day. (repeated verbatim)

“Kaylee, You been gittin’ in my drawers!”

Pause

“Yes you have!  I can tell you been diggin’ around in there!  Them’s f___ing panties!  Is you f____ing!”

She slammed the phone down.  “I don’t know what I’m gonna do with that little ‘ho! I can’t keep her out of my f___ing panties”

I was rolling on the floor, laughing.

Snoopy at Work

My nine-year-old daughter called me at work one weeknight asking permission to sleepover with a friend.  The question was a formality, since she knew the answer.  No week night sleepovers. I hadn’t met or spoken to parent.  A doctor was listening when I got message my daughter called.  He could only hear my end of conversation.  After her request for permission, I merely said, “No, her mother is a child molester and her father is a murderer.”  I hung up and went back to work.   “What the Hell was that?”  He asked.  “Oh, my daughter wanted to sleepover at the neighbor’s”. He spewed coffee on his chart