Grandma and the Coat from Hell


Since there were five kids in our family, Grandma did her best to help out when she could. Sometimes I still hate her for it. Once she went to the Goodwill Store and bought me the ugliest coat in the world. I didn’t have a problem with Goodwill. It was ugly that bothered me. It was a knee-length brown hounds-tooth wool dress coat of the style not

seen since movies from the 1930s, trimmed with brown velvet cuffs and collar and huge brown buttons with big rhinestones in the middle. I had hoped for a parka with fake fur collar like the high society girls in my class. I turned to Mother, hoping for salvation. Mother was ecstatic, probably because she’d wanted that very coat when she was little back in the 1930’s. She made me try it on then and there. Mother was even more thrilled. It had plenty of growing room!

Mother wasn’t faking her ecstasy. As soon as we were out of earshot, I started whining that I despised that ugly coat and wasn’t going to wear it. She shut me down before I got too far and told me it was a beautiful coat, and I was wearing it as long as it fit. Truer words were never spoken. I was stuck with it. I slipped out without it whenever possible, and if caught, I took it off as soon as I got out of sight of the house. I sat down and flipped it over the back of my desk and a kid pointed out a large rip in the lining. This coat humiliated me even when I wasn’t wearing it!! I tried to lose it, but Mother was ahead of me. I drug that abomination around for two years, until the horrendous velvet cuffs were far above my wrists.

Finally, finally, it was time for a new coat. I was heartsick when Mother read us Grandma’s letter saying that she’d been back to Goodwill and gotten me a another “beautiful coat.” “I believe it’s prettier that the last one.” were her exact words. It would be hard to be uglier. I managed to put it out of my mind.

We loved getting boxes from Grandma. They were always full of wonderful things: animal shaped erasers, pencils with our names on them, wind-up toys, cars driven by cartoon characters, jumping beans, sticker books. She sewed well and always included something made especially for each of us. Grandma always packed the best at the bottom to build suspense. This box was no different. Mother unpacked it dramatically, examining each article fully before passing it around to be admired. I knew she had to be at the bottom when she held her breath and said, “Oh…this is just gorgeous!!!” When she finally pulled it out, it took my breath, too. Grandma had somehow managed to find the exact replica of the nightmare I had abhorred for two years, but if anything, it was worse, was green hound’s tooth, “with plenty of room to grow!” That was when I realized that even though Grandma looked and acted like a sweet little old lady, she was the devil incarnate.

That wasn’t the worst of Grandma’s Goodwill gifts. When I was in the eighth grade and anxious to fit in, she hit the mother lode and stopped by Goodwill just after Shirley Temple cleaned out her closet.   Grandma sent me several party dresses. Mother was overjoyed. They were exquisite and probably just what she had wanted twenty years earlier. Mother held up the worst of the worst, and reminded me, just in case I had gone into a coma and forgotten, I had a band concert coming up and had to have a new dress. I had been praying for a miracle, a box pleated wool skirt with a pullover sweater. Hope died. She held up a disaster in sheer lavender with a wide satin cummerbund. Mother made me try it on right then. It was so sheer, my ugly cotton slip (which Grandma had thoughtfully provided earlier.  All the other girls had lacy nylon ones) was perfectly showcased. It looked like a horrible joke. Better yet, its low cut back that showed off my pimply back perfectly.   However, as sheer as it was, a high back wouldn’t have hidden anything. It was a good three inches too long. Mother explained it was tea-length, just what I needed in a fancy dress, and cut me off when I suggested hemming it. It would ruin all that beautiful embroidery around the tail of the skirt. I was heartsick. “Mother, I can’t wear this. It’s embarrassing. Nobody wears stuff like this!”

Mother went straight for the big guns…guilt. “Well, I’d wear it if I could. I’ve never had anything this nice. I haven’t even had a new dress since…” She got teary-eyed, suffering the dual pain of an ungrateful brat of a daughter and not having a new dress since the forties. I knew when I was whipped and slunk off to ponder my upcoming humiliation.

I decided the best plan was to be sick. On Thursday before the concert on Friday, the band director shot me down. Anybody missing the concert without a doctor’s excuse would fail band that grading period. Fat chance of getting a doctor’s excuse. We only went to the doctor for resuscitation. I prayed for a miracle. I got a nightmare. I tried to getting out in another dress, but Mother caught me and sent me back to put the lavender nightmare on. “It was so beautiful.” As I turned for her inspection, my ugly cotton slip looked especially stunning under sheer lavender. Every pimple on my back pulsed with excitement at its chance to shine. Mother was enchanted.

“Oh, don’t worry about your slip. Those little bumps aren’t that bad. Let’s just put a band aid on this big one.” I realized she didn’t lack fashion sense. She was just insane.

Ignoring the fact that it was a hot May night, I grabbed a heavy pink sweater, need taking precedence over temperature. When I got to school, I rushed to the bathroom and tied a string around my waist, pulling the long skirt up and bunching it under the cummerbund. It might have looked a little better. My pink sweater hid the sheer bodice, ugly, old cotton slip, and my pimply back. I buttoned the sweater from neck to the waist, so it looked like I had bad taste in skirts as well confusion over what season it was. It was still an improvement over that lavender humiliation. I sweltered through the concert in embarrassment and moderate anxiety, instead of total the social annihilation I had dreaded. As we filed out after the concert, I could feel the fabric bunched up under the cummerbund in back slipping free of the string, but I got to the bathroom before the entire skirt attained tea length. Only the back of the skirt trailed unevenly below my knees. All in all, the evening was a success. No one saw my ugly, old slip or pimply back. They only laughed as I walked off and I was used to people talking about me behind my back. Two out of three wasn’t that bad.

Grandma, I hope God forgave you for getting me that awful stuff.  I’m still working on it.

33 thoughts on “Grandma and the Coat from Hell

  1. Absolutely wonderful. I loved every bit of it, and I just about fell out of my chair when you got the duplicate coat. I never saw that one coming 🙂 Thanks for a great read, and I hope you’re feeling all better about it now 😉


  2. this cracked me up! i also have a great aunt who loves to *help* by finding the most hideous clothes imaginable at thrift stores for various people in our extended family. it has become a family joke, and everyone always has a bag of stuff waiting to be recycled back into the mix when she’s not looking. (and are always a little anxious that she will find that gem again and wonder…) 😉 gotta love it!


  3. I KNOW the feeling, I was off to “The Head of the River” a rowing race between posh schools and I had to wear a horrible green check dress Mum bought at the Goodwill! She must have really had it in for me because she never wore green, always said it brought bad luck! Does it still make your stomach churn thinking about it?


  4. That was brilliantly written, I could feel your agony. After reading your post I realize I did not suffer as much as I thought I had during my childhood. Actually, after thinking back on my childhood, a big portion of my embarrassment was my own misguided choices and bad fashion sense. Regardless, my deep embarrassment and memories of not wearing the right clothing drastically affected my choices for my children’s clothing. I by no means spend outrageous amounts of money on name brand clothing, instead I know exactly where to go to find that same clothing barely used for a tiny fraction of the price – often the same price that goodwill sells them for only the clothing is in better condition and still in style.


  5. Shirley Temple’s closet….too funny. I had a lot of ill-fitting hand-me-downs growing up, but a trip for a special dress happened when I was a finalist in a Spelling Bee. My mother picked it out and raved about how cute it was..dark blue velveteen with a white fur collar. It was hideous, and hung off of me like an over-sized drapery. I swallowed my pride and appeared in it before hundreds of mostly strangers, since only 1 other student was representing our school. It was 7th grade. I only wore it once, but I was grateful for the effort; so few new things were bought in my name.

    I can’t imagine if it had shown up later in a bigger size !! So sorry for you. Thanks for sharing. Van


  6. Oh, did this bring back [bad] memories! In my case, my mother accepted my cousin’s hand-me-downs because my cousin’s family had money and could afford really nice things, while my family was struggling along on a working man’s income. Only problem was I was in my early teens and my cousin in her mid-20s, and her taste was way more sophisticated than ours. I recall my classmates laughing out loud at some of the “beautiful” outfits I was forced to wear to school – I always looked like I was playing dress-up (low-cut bodices, spaghetti straps, etc.), and I would try to “fix” the problem by wearing a shirt or something under the dress. But at least once I finally outgrew the outfits, they were gone and I never got any twins of them – I can just imagine your feelings when that box was opened!


  7. Oh how I laughed when your Grandma sent the coat’s twin once you had grown out of it! That dress sounded horrendous as well, but at least you managed to improvise a bit with it! Good old Grandma! 😉


  8. My Great Grandmother was a seamstress, and when she and Gramps came for holidays, Sister and I had matching frocks (as did our dollies actually). I hated one in particular, a mustardy yellow blob light type creation with a detachable collar. It was bad enough having to wear one, but as was always the case, I had double the agony having to wear my sister’s when we both grew out of our own. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Asariels Muse says:

    That sounds awful to have to go through for so long. They say stuff like that builds character, I think they’re wrong, I think it builds compassion for our own kids when the time comes.


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