Vagina, Boobs, and Poop (Part 12)

surpriseThis post has nothing to do with Vagina, Boobs, and Poop.  I am doing a post on crazy things my mother has said and done and wanted to see if this garnered interest.  Mother is sensitive about her age and height, so I can’t mention the fact that she is past eighty, and “not tall,” but besides that, has said and done some interesting things.   (Links to part 1-11 below) https://nutsrok.wordpress.com/2015/01/01/vagina-boobs-and-poop-2/ https://nutsrok.wordpress.com/2015/01/01/vagina-boobs-and-poop-2/ https://nutsrok.wordpress.com/2015/01/03/vagina-boobs-and-poop-part-3/ https://nutsrok.wordpress.com/2015/01/04/vagina-boobs-and-poop-part-4/

https://nutsrok.wordpress.com/2015/01/05/vagina-boobs-and poop-part-5/

https://nutsrok.wordpress.com/2015/01/06/vagina-boobs-and-poop-part-6/

http://Nutsrok.wordpress.com/2015/01/07/vagina-boobs-and-poop-part-7

https://nutsrok.wordpress.com/2015/01/07/vagina-boobs-and-poop-part-8/

https://nutsrok.wordpress.com/2015/01/09/vagina-boobs-and-poop-part-9/

https://nutsrok.wordpress.com/2014/10/07/sorry-your-highness-my-mothers-a-snob https://nutsrok.wordpress.com/2015/01/02/meet-kathleen-alias-my-mother-on-video/

1.  She left her lights on, ran her car battery down, and asked a nice young police officer to “jack her off.”  She wasn’t arrested.

3.  She once crashed  wedding in cut off blue jeans, sitting in the first row on the bride’s side.  The family was not friendly.

4.  She was once locked in a museum and had to be rescued by the fire department, climbing over the fence on their ladder.

5.  She was locked in Windsor Castle. More on that later.

6. She rolled up a car window up on a camel’s lip.  These things happen.

7.  She made change in the offering plate at church and came out twenty dollars ahead.

8.  She lost her bra at church one Sunday.  She never could explain that!

9,  When two intruders broke in her house, she made one of them help her into her robe before she would talk to them.  She gave them eleven dollars, telling them, “That’s enough!” They thanked her when they left, telling her to “have a nice day.”  She told the police officers later, “They were polite and had been raised right.”  Go figure.

10.  She threatened a rapist.

#11 She won’t say “Bull.”  That sounds crude.  She substitutes “male cow.” Don’t tell her I said vagina, boobs, and poop. God knows she tried to raise me right!  However, she did ask a police officer to “jack her off!”

Now for the poop part of the story,   Once Mother gets a notion in her head, she can not be side-tracked.  Mother and I stopped in at the grocery store one morning.  As we made our way back to my vehicle, I spotted a dignified elderly gentleman hurriedly making his way back to his own car parked adjacent to mine.  He seemed to be in some distress, so I slowed my place to stay out of his way.  As he sidled past me, I got a whiff and realized the reason for his scurrying.  I slowed my pace and acted distracted to give him time to get to his car and save his dignity.

Meanwhile, Mother was right behind me.  She didn’t notice his predicament, only that an oldster was getting ahead of her.  She is vain about being spry for her age and was determined not to be left in his dust.  She picked up her pace, catching up to him.  Getting into my car as the wind changed, she got a foul whiff of feces. They were standing back to back, almost touching as she inspected her shoe and announced. “Something smells awful.  There must have been a dog running loose doing his business.  Better check your shoe.  I don’t have anything on my shoe.”  Just in case I hadn’t heard, she repeated, just like I was five years old. “You’d better check your shoe!  Something smells awful!  Don’t you smell it!”  By this time, the poor man was sitting in his car with the window open.

“No, Mother.  I don’t smell a thing.  Get in.  Let’s go.”  By this time, the whole town had to know what the problem was.

It seemed like an eternity before we got away.  “Mother, that man had messed up his clothes and was trying to slip into his car.  Of course, I smelled him.  Dead people smelled him.  I was just trying to avoid embarrassing him. You were just about backing into him.”

She was horrified.  “Oh, My Lord!  Did I get anything on me?  Oh well.  It couldn’t be helped!”

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42 thoughts on “Vagina, Boobs, and Poop (Part 12)

  1. RMW says:

    I think your mother and my mother must be twins. I can certainly see my mother in #9 and #11 and it wouldn’t surprise me at all if I found out she was once trapped inside Windsor Castle!

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  2. Between reading Part I and Part II of Part 12, I was thinking about other little old lady malapropisms that have stick with me over the years…

    Visiting Grumpy’s mom in the hospital. She meant to say that the doctor had chewed her out for not following orders… what she SAID was, “the doctor just came in here and ate me out”.

    A nice old lady I worked with, commenting on a display rack I had just assembled… “that’s a nice rack you’ve got there”.

    A former boss, introducing a coworker…. “we’re going to be helping him because his right hand is on maternity leave”.

    A friend who had visited Amsterdam was telling a group of people about the brothels they have, with women in display windows in front. One man asked if they had price tags. She said, “no, I guess you just go in and dicker”.

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