A Hog Day Part 19

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Between the two of us, Billy and I complained bitterly about having to march in like a row of ducks to  line the pew every Sunday.  No other kids our age sat with their parents.  We looked like real doofuses.  It was a social disaster.  Finally, I decided I’d have to work up the nerve to ask permission to sit somewhere else.  After the super ball incident, there was no way Billy would ever bring up that topic again. I knew I had to approach the subject delicately or there would be big trouble.  At our house, a question could reap consequences as serious as an actual sin.  It showed intent. I suppose it followed the same principle as “having lust in your heart.” Not only that, but whenever Daddy got news that a neighborhood kid had done something horrible, We got a preemptive lecture, just because. “Your FRIEND, Eddie, was smoking and burned down the preacher’s barn last night.  THAT’s why I don’t let you …….”. It didn’t matter that I’d never spoken two words to Eddie and despised smoking, only Daddy’s total dedication to lecturing and haranguing kept me on the straight and narrow.  But for his rigid control,  I’d have been smoking, drinking, and fornicating on the back pew every Sunday.

Not knowing how to broach the subject, one Sunday morning, I revolted.  Instead of following Daddy into pew three, I brazenly slid into pew four, right behind him. Billy followed me.  The sky didn’t fall.  Lightening didn’t strike.  The world kept spinning on its axis.  Daddy just turned and gave me a warning look, but I could tell I’d won my prize.

I pondered my victory in my heart as I sat smugly in pew four.  I found out that day, God has a sense of humor.  When we stood for a hymn, Daddy had a wedgie.  Have you ever had to spend time in church standing behind someone with a wedgie?  I experienced eternity that day as Daddy stood right in front of me with a wedgie.  Billy and I looked desperately back and forth at each other each time Daddy and his wedgie stood. I thought about reaching up and pulling it out, but feared there might be a Biblical injunction against it.  “Thou shalt not unwedge thy father’s wedgie!”  I might be turned into a pillar of salt.

I spent the next three years trying not to see Daddy’s wedgie as he stood in the pew ahead of me ever Sunday.

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Three of the Deadlies

Tragically, three pastors and their wives were killed in a crash on the way home from a conference.  They found themselves standing before Saint Peter.  Saint Peter addressed the first pastor as he looked in his book.

“Well, I see here you lived a pretty good life.  You worked hard for your church.  You were faithful, but there’s one thing I need to look into further.  Your love of money got in your way.  In fact, you loved money so much you even married a woman named Penny.  Just have a seat over there while I do a little more checking.”

The second pastor came forward.  Saint Peter addressed him.  “You were a faithful pastor.  You served well except for one flaw.  Your love of alcohol caused you some problems.  You loved alcohol so much, you even married a woman named Sherry.  Have a seat over there while I do some balancing.”

The third pastor turned to his wife.  “Come on Fanny.  There’s no use in us even getting in line.”

From God’s Lips to Daddy’s Ear

imageDaddy was “the Boss.” God put him in charge, so we didn’t have to worry about what God wanted.  If we had any questions, we could go straight to Daddy.  He always had a Bible verse at the ready to back him up, if needed.  Most of them sounded suspiciously-freshly coined and self-serving, lacking book, chapter, and verse, Continue reading

Miss Tillie’s Troubles With Samson

Miss Tillie, my Sunday School Teacher held my attention like no other before or since, giving the class candy, bubble gum, and tiny little paper umbrellas if we learned our Bible verses. Mother thought she ought not to bribe us to do our lessons. I thought Continue reading

From God’s Mouth to Daddy’s Ear


Daddy was “the Boss.” God put him in charge, so we didn’t have to worry about what God wanted.  If we had any questions, we could go straight to Daddy.  He always had a Bible verse at the ready to back him up, if needed.  Most of them sounded suspiciously fresh-coined and self-serving, lacking book, chapter, and verse. Continue reading