Mrs. Johnson Sets Me Straight

imageThe time I spent getting to know my patients was the best part of nursing.  As a hospital dialysis nurse, during the course of a four-hour treatment, we had a lot of time to talk.  One of my favorite patients was a lively little seventy-year old lady, the mother of twenty-one children.  I never knew what she’d have to say.  When I expressed my amazement at her having so had many, she told me, “It wasn’t so bad. I had a set of twins, so I was only pregnant twenty times.”

“You must be proud of your kids,” I answered.

“Huh,” she snorted.  “Ain’t half of ’em worth the powder it’d take to blow ’em away.  I gotta keep my purse right with me.”

“Oh.”  I had no other response to that.

She was always full of wild tales about getting the best of her “old man” who was twenty years older than she.  I inferred they had a warm relationship, but she straightened me out when  I expressed my condolences at her next treatment after his death.

“Mrs. Johnson, I ‘m sorry to her of your loss.  I know you must miss your husband.”  I dreaded the lonely times ahead for her.

She cackled.  “I’m glad that old devil from hell is gone.  I thought for sure he was gonna outlive me.  My daddy gave me to him when I wad’n but thirteen years old.  He beat me ever’day long as he was able.  I was so proud when he got old and stoved up so I could take a piece of a firewood to him any time I got ready.  I mean to tell you I whooped him many a time.”

She always gave me plenty to think about.

Wisdom From Senior Citizens

1. I started with nothing. I still have most of it.

2. When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?

3. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded.

5. All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.

6. If all is not lost, where is it?

7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

8. If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

9. The first rule of holes: if you are in one, stop digging.

10. I tried to get a life once, but they told me they were out of stock.

11. I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway though.

12. It was so different before everything changed.

13. Some day’s you’re the dog, and some day’s you’re the hydrant.

14. Nostalgia isn’t what it use to be.

15. Old programmers never die. They just terminate and stay resident.

Dear Auntie Linda, September 24, 2015

Auntie Linda Dear Auntie Linda,  My husband and I raise beef cattle.  We recently slaughtered a prime beef and divided it between ourselves and our three children. Later, my four-year-old grandson told us his mother, my daughter-in-law fed “that old cow” to the dogs. I was stunned and asked her.  She admitted she had, saying she didn’t like beef off the farm.  We are furious, but don’t want to cause trouble between her and my son.  Their marriage is rocky and they fight like cats and dogs, already.  My son obviously has no idea since he has mentioned several times that “Susie” needs to cook some of that beef.  Meanwhile, we seethe at her insulting behavior.  Why on earth would she have fed good beef to dogs when so many people would have been glad to have it?  Insulted

Dear Insulted,  Sounds like a statement to me.  Your gift was unwelcome.  You were right not to say anything.  This couple has plenty to deal with now.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, We are people of moderate means.  My husband is a principal and I am a teacher.  Our son is marrying a wealthy young woman.  The wedding will be in Hawaii.  The cost of the trip, lodging, and attire for ourselves and our other college-age son already  stretches our budget.  We can afford to host a modest restaurant dinner for the wedding party. but there is no way we or our son can afford the cost of a rehearsal dinner on the scale of this extravagant wedding.  We want to share this joyous time with him and his new bride, but refuse to go into debt.  We can either go the the wedding and host a modest dinner or let her family host the rehearsal dinner, which they have offered to do..  What should we do?  Regular Folks

Dear Regular Folks, Be yourselves.  Your son knows your situation.  Go to the wedding and host the dinner you can afford.  You needn’t compete.  If the bride’s family wants something different, that’s on them.  Auntie Linda

Good to Know

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings.”

3. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

16. Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it’s up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

“Heart is the engine of the Body. But Brain is the engine of Life. Between Mind & Heart…” Enigma