A woman had two female parrots who were always yelling, “We’re prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?” One day, she was talking to her Preacher about this. He said he had two male parrots and all they did was read the Bible. He thought perhaps they would be a good influence on the two females. So they put the four parrots together. So, the females yelled at the male parrots, “We’re prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?” One male parrot said to the other, “Put the Bibles away! We’ve made it to heaven!”
Dear Auntie Linda, There are a lot of secrets in our family. Even though I am in my forties and Mother in her late seventies, there are lots of things that went on that I can’t understand that I don’t feel free to ask Mother about. My father was physically abusive to the kids and emotionally and psychologically abusive to the whole family. When I try to discuss this with Mother, she says it wasn’t all that bad. I know there are many other things that were covered up. When I try to talk to her, she gets pitiful and says she couldn’t leave because she couldn’t support the children on her own. She manipulates the situation by being pitiful and powerless. She is very emotionally dependent on me. I would like to have an honest conversation but think I’d end up feeling worse by pressing her for answers. What does a person do in this situation? Frustrated
Dear Frustrated, Sounds like your mother makes being powerless work for her. Do you think insisting she talk to you would make you feel better or worse? Your mother may not be much help. This is likely to be a journey you make by another route. Good luck.
Dear Auntie Linda, I love my cousin, Jody dearly, but she is a compulsive liar and spender, and wears such skimpy clothes I am not comfortable going out in public with her. She lies for no reason. For example, when my kids had strep throat, she said they were quarantined for three days, a ridiculous statement. Another time, she said she had won a thousand dollars in a store giveaway to explain how she came up with extravagant gifts, when she’d actually charged them. She has accused family members of making passes at her and wears her shorts so short that pubic hair shows in front and her butt cheeks hang out in back. At a family funeral, her dress was so low-cut somebody got her a sweater. I can’t enjoy my time with her because I am constantly bombarded by wild tales, am aware of her deep financial troubles, and dread seeing more of her than I ever want to. How does family deal with someone like this? Embarrassed Cousin
Dear Embarrassed Cousin, Cousin Jody obviously has some deep problems. When she tells a lie directly about you, don’t hesitate to correct it on the spot, or as soon as you hear it. I am quite sure others have noticed her lying. If she makes you uncomfortable with what she wears when you are together, don’t be shy. Let her know. When she’s coming to a social event, tell her it’s G-rated. She needs to put some clothes on. Being subtle won’t work. While you can’t do anything about her spending, just don’t shop with her or accept gifts. Jody needs somebody to point out when she’s out of control. You can be direct without being unkind. Auntie Linda
Emma Sue died during the night and Her husband Buddy called 911. 911 operator told Buddy that she would send someone out right away. “Where do you live?” asked the operator.
Buddy replied, “At the end of Eucalyptus Drive.”
The operator asked, “Can you spell that for me?”
There was a long pause and finally Buddy said, “How ’bout if I just drag her over to Oak Street.”
Redneck Computer Terms
Hard drive – Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.
Keyboard – Place to hang your truck keys.
Window – Place in the truck to hang your guns.
Modem – How you got rid of your dandelions. Usage: “We gonna modem dandelions”
ROM – Liquor often mixed with Coke
Byte – Beginning of an insult, often followed by the word “me” or “this”
Cursor – The person doing the cursing. What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.
Tab – What you owe the bartender
Shift – How you get to a different gear.
RAM – Great truck
Edit – Past tense of “eat” “Wher’d that leftover possum belly go?” ” You edit afore you passed out las nite.
Internet – Where her fish were when she caught em ( In er net).
Fonts – That really cool guy from the show, Happy Days.
Laptop – Where the stripper sits.