Evening Chuckle/Texas Chili Cookoff

'Chili again?'

‘Chili again?’

chili-kebab-bathroom-toilet-humorous-birthday-paper-card-whyatt

Texas Chili Contest

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a chili cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city park. The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who has visited from Springfield IL.

Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judges table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy and, besides, they told me that I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.”

Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge 3)

Chili #1 Eddie’s Maniac Monster Chili

>Judge #1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

>Judge #2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

>Judge #3 — (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint on my driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy!

Chili #2 Austin’s Afterburner Chili

>Judge #1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

>Judge #2 — Exiting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

>Judge #3 — Keep this out of reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili #3 Ronny’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

>Judge #1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

>Judge #2 — A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

>Judge #3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my back bone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting pie-eyed from all the beer…

Chili #4 Dave’s Black Magic

>Judge #1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

>Judge #2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.

>Judge #3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb woman is starting to look HOT…just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili #5 Lisa’s Legal Lip Remover

>Judge #1 — Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

>Judge #2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

>Judge #3 – My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off may forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili #6 Pam’s Very Vegetarian Variety

>Judge #1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

> Judge #2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

> Judge #3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous sulphuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Chili #7 Carla’s Screaming Sensation Chili

>Judge #1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

>Judge #2 — Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last minute. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.

>Judge #3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are filled with lave to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing; it’s too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili #8 Karen’s Toenail Curling Chili

>Judge #1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

>Judge #2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he’d have reacted to REALLY hot chili.

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Ask Auntie Linda, November 8, 2015

Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, I am a seventeen-year-old boy and barely squeaking through high-school, even though I am working very hard.  I manage to get Cs even though I can barely write, but I know I am smart.  I can fix a car, repair a lawn-mower, and do all kinds of repairs on anything that breaks down around the house, mechanical, plumbing, or just plain repairs like windows.  I am a good kid, just rotten at math and reading.  I want to have a good life and make a living?  What can a person who can’t make it in college do?  Not the right kind of smart

Dear Not, There all kinds of smart.  I suggest you check out technical training like welding, plumbing, heating and air conditioner, or engine repair.  There are plenty of technical jobs and an opportunity for anyone with drive, ambition, and the desire to succeed.  A good work ethic might be your greatest asset.  Don’t undervalue that.  If I’d had to depend on my math or computer skills, my children would have starved to death.  I used to wonder the same thing you do, knowing my greatest interest was reading.  I thought writing was too big a hill to climb.  Go for it!  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, My mother interferes with everything we do, inserting herself into every situation.  “This is the way we always do it.”  We never have a holiday without them, even if my parents come from out of town.  She butts in on decisions about the children, even discipline, and how we manage our money. She even criticized the way my mother dressed in a mixed group after her last visit.  My mother was dressed perfectly appropriately, just not up to my MIL’s standards.  I’ve told my husband I need his support when his mother interferes but he refuses, blowing it off, saying, “That’s just how Mother is.  Don’t let it worry you.”  I am starting to hate my MIL and am furious at my husband.  How do I get him to support me.  Underdog

Dear Underdog, Tell your husband all you just said, letting him know you will no longer tolerate his mother’s interference.  Let him know in no uncertain terms that he must support you.  If he waffles, next time your MIL interferes feel free to say, John and I have agreed to……….. , and the subject is closed, isn’t it John.  If she persists, refuse to discuss it any further, even if you have to excuse yourselves, or tell her the visit is over, you will see her soon.   Auntie Linda

Move Over, Medusa, We Got Ya’ Beat!

First Grade School Picture

First Grade School Picture

Repost of an old post few people saw

To curly-haired people Mother might have seemed mild-mannered enough, but beneath her calm exterior she nursed a sadistic streak, committing home permanents with malice aforethought, ignoring her helpless daughters’ protests that “I like my hair this way.” and “nobody but old ladies has THAT kind of hair.” squashing arguments Continue reading

Buzzy, Congratulating Himself on a Job Well-done!

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When I get lazy about making my bed in the morning, Buzzy comes to get me.  Making the bed is the high-point of the morning, involving considerable growling and tossing of his “babies” off the bed to let me finish the job.  That being done, he encourages me to cook breakfast and load the dishwasher, ever hopeful that he’ll end up with a tasty tidbit.  He’s a pretty good little housekeeping coach!

Joke of the Day

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"I get a shooting pain up my left arm every time I reach for a second helping and my wife stabs me with her fork."

“I get a shooting pain up my left arm every time I reach for a second helping and my wife stabs me with her fork.”

'I'm very health conscious. I only eat animals that are vegetarians.'

‘I’m very health conscious. I only eat animals that are vegetarians.’

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Why shouldn’t you worry about gaining a few extra pounds? Fat people are harder to kidnap.

You’re fat and you need to go on a diet. I’m not going to sugarcoat it because you’ll eat that too.

My wife is a light eater. As soon as it’s light she starts to eat. -Henry Youngman

Did you hear about the Dr. DoLittle Diet? You talk to food instead of eating it.

You can’t lose weight by talking about it. You need to keep your mouth shut.

D.I.E.T. = Did I Eat That?

D.I.E.T. = Do I Eat Today?

D.I.E.T. = Don’t Indulge Every Time

Why shouldn’t you fall in love with a pastry chef? He’ll dessert you.

Did you hear about the hungry clock? He went back four seconds.

What is a man’s idea of a balanced diet? A beer in each hand.

Have you seen the movie about the Atkins diet? Dude, Where’s My Carbs?

What do you call someone who can’t stick with a diet? A desserter.

When should you go on a cheese diet? If you need to cheddar a few pounds.

 What do you call a fascist vegan? Lactose intolerant.

 How many vegetarians does it take to eat a cow? One if nobody’s looking.

 If your dog is too fat, then your not getting enough exercise.

 I know it’s 3 meals a day, but how many should I eat at night?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

I decided that becoming a vegetarian was a missed steak.

Diets are for people that are thick and tired of it.

Long Life A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doc, I would like to live a long life. What should I do?” “I think that is a wise decision,” the doctor replies. “Let’s see, do you smoke?” “Oh.. Half a pack a day.” “Starting NOW, no more smoking.” The man agrees. The doctor then asks, “Do you drink?” “Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my meals, and a beer or two every once in a while.” “Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions.” The man is a bit upset, but also agrees. The doctor asks, “How do you eat?” “Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff.” “Starting now you are going on a very strict diet. You are going to eat only raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese.” The man is now really worried. “Doc, is all this really necessary?” “Do you want to live long?” “Yes.” “Well then, it’s absolutely necessary. And don’t even think of breaking the diet.” The man is quite restless, but the doctor continues, “Do you have sex?” “Yeah, once a week or so…, only with my wife!” he adds hurriedly. “As soon as you get out of here you are going to buy twin beds. No more sex for you. None.” The man is appalled. “Doc… Are you sure I’m going to live longer this way?” The doctor replies “I have no idea, but however long you live, I assure you is going to seem like an eternity!”