Evenng Chuckle

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enng Two elderly friends, Jack and Tom, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Jack didn’t show up. Tom didn’t think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.
But after Jack hadn’t shown up for a week or so, Tom got worried. Unfortunately he didn’t know where Jack lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
After a month passed, Tom figured he had seen the last of Jack, but one day, Tom approached the park and — lo and behold there sat Jack ! Tom, excited and happy, said how glad he was to see him, then blurted out, “For crying out loud, what on earth happened to you?”
“I’ve been in jail,” Jack said, with some embarrassment.
“Jail?” cried Tom. “What in the world for?”
“Well,” Jack said, “you know Marilyn, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes go?”
“Yeah,” said Tom, “I remember her. What about her?”
“Well, one day she filed rape charges against me and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded ‘guilty’.
“And you were convicted of rape?” asked Tom, stunned.
Jack replied, “No, the judge gave me thirty days for perjury.”

A man boarded a train and said to the conductor, “I’m a heavy sleeper.
Please be sure to wake me at 2:00 a.m. so that I can get off in Atlanta. Whatever I say, get me up. I have an extremely important business there!” The next morning the man woke up in Richmond. He found the conductor and shouted, “Do you know how angry I am?” “Probably about as angry as the man I had get off in Atlanta,” replied the conductor

The preacher’s Sunday sermon was “Forgive Your Enemies.” He asked how many of the congregation have forgiven their enemies? About half held up their hands. He then repeated his question. Now about 80 % held up their hands. He then repeated his question once more. All responded, except one elderly lady.
“Mrs. Johnson, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”
“I don’t have any.”
“Mrs. Johnson that is very unusual. How old are you?”
“Ninety-three,” she replied.
“Mrs. Johnson, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world?”
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle and said, “I outlived every one of those bitches!”

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Afternoon Funny

'I dare you to ask Jeeves about the birds and the bees!'

Bnb 4 Bnb 5

Beatrice wished her husband was around to have 'the talk' with their maturing son, The she remembered his absence was her fault,

Beatrice wished her husband was around to have ‘the talk’ with their maturing son, The she remembered his absence was her fault,

Hoping for a boy or girl?

Hoping for a boy or girl?

birds-bees 1

Until I was eleven the only knowledge I had of how boy’s anatomy was an occasional peek at a little boy during a diaper change and a quick image of a whirling behind if I happened to walk catch a brother, or a cousin sneaking a pee outdoors.  From that, I mainly felt envy that I couldn’t pee on stuff.

Imagine my surprise when my friend Margaret informed me exactly what the facts of life entailed. She even called it “The Facts of Life.”  Her story:  Mr. Brown who topped three hundred pounds easily, took off all his clothes, every night, and stuck his peanut in Mrs. Brown, who coincidentally weighed at least two hundred pounds.  He peed inside her and laid on top of her all night.  I knew this wasn’t possible.  Anybody that walrus laid on all night would be smushed.  Mrs. Brown was not smushed.  She had enormous breasts, and a pendulous belly.  I told Margaret she was lying and went straight to my mother.

I told Mother, Margaret had told me a big lie, the “Facts of Life.”  I guess Mother thought I had gotten a prettier version.  She was annoyed, saying she intended to tell me herself.  She went ahead and gave me her version, involving a boy and girl falling in love and getting married.  True, they did indulge in some “intimacies”, her word.  These “intimacies” would result in a baby.  I was never to even consider such a thing until I was married.

Armed with her confirmation of the truth Margaret had told me, the picture of Mr. and Mrs. Brown burned in my mind, I assured her it would NEVER happen!  They should teach this version in schools.

Quotes of the Day

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'Nope, there isn't any more to life. Hunt...gather...that's pretty much it.'

‘Nope, there isn’t any more to life. Hunt…gather…that’s pretty much it.’

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'Socks with sandals? I guess Socrates' wisdom doesn't include a fashion sense.'

‘Socks with sandals? I guess Socrates’ wisdom doesn’t include a fashion sense.’

'Yes, I can tell you the meaning of life, but then I would have to kill you.'

‘Yes, I can tell you the meaning of life, but then I would have to kill you.’

imageQuotes to Live By

It’s not the size of the dog in the fight,
it’s the size of the fight in the dog.
– Mark Twain

These quotes capture the subtle and ironic nature of life. These are not slapstick funny quotes, but truly wise quotes to live by that convey their important messages indirectly through the use of humor. Mark Twain and Oscar Wilde, among others, were masters of using humor to make important points.

Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
– Mark Twain

Always listen to the experts. They’ll tell you what can’t be done and why. Then do it.
– Robert Heinlein

It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.
– Mark Twain

Life is too important to be taken seriously.
– Oscar Wilde

Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
– Dalai Lama

The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on. It is never of any use to oneself.
– Oscar Wilde

It is impossible to begin to learn that which one thinks one already knows.
– Epictetus

Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.
– Albert Einstein

Minds are like parachutes. They only function when they are open.
– James Dewar