Screaming Green Slime

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You’d expect daily pandemonium in a household of seven but wait!  Like those infomercials on TV, we got two for the price of one!  And at no extra charge, Daddy and I both walked and talked in our sleep.  Most people have experience with people talking in their sleep, but sleep-walking less common.  The sleep-walker doesn’t look like the ones in  Continue reading

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Dear Auntie Linda, October 15, 2015

Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, I am in my fourth year of college and just humiliated myself so badly in class I don’t think I can ever go back. We were having a test and I was trying to wait till the end of class to go to bathroom, since we couldn’t leave during the test.  As I stood to turn in my test and leave,  I lost control of my bowels and soiled myself in front of the whole class.  If that wasn’t bad enough, I slid in it and fell making a long streak on the floor, soiling my clothes further, and even the test.  The professor looked at me and said, “Just drop your test in the trash.  Call me to schedule a makeup for you later.”  Some of the class laughed before they got control of themselves, but most tried to act like they didn’t see anything. The smell was horrendous.   I am so humiliated I don’t feel I can go back to class, but I have to have this class to graduate in the spring.  What in the world do I do” Deep Doo Doo

Dear Deep, When you call your professor to reschedule, let them know how you are feeling.  Perhaps some alternative can be worked out to spare you the embarrassment of going back to class.  If not, go back to class.  The first time will be the worst.  It will be awkward, but don’t give up on your plans over this.  Probably after the second return to class, people will have little interest in you.  The less said, the better.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  I work for a financial institution and carelessly failed to reveal information at my job that ultimately cost my supervisor her job and cost the company millions.  No one knows the information is in my files but me.  I know if the information comes out, I will lose my job and could face prosecution.  I don’t feel comfortable working here any longer, and fear I may blunder and expose what I have done. I never dreamed I could end up in this position.  My ex-supervisor has no idea I made this error and am to blame for her termination.  It is difficult to face her when we meet in public.  How in the world do I protect myself.  I can’t sleep nights.  Feel like a bum.

Dear Bum,  You need a lawyer, now!  Auntie Linda

Afternoon Funny

THE MONITOR confirmed cardiac arrest as an elderly
man suddenly lost consciousness. After about 20 seconds of
resuscitation, he came to. Explaining to him that his heart had
momentarily stopped, I asked if he remembered anything unusual
during that time.

“I saw a bright light,” he said, “and in front of me
a man dressed in white.”

Zeroing in on this near-death impression, I inquired
if he could describe the figure.

“Sure, doctor,” he replied. “It was you.

A customer in a little country drugstore noticed a sign saying: “Danger! Beware of Dog!” But instead of a well-trained watchdog, all he saw was a harmless old hound dog sleeping on the floor next to the cash register.

“Is that the dog people are supposed to beware of?” he asked the store owner.

“Yessiree, that’s him,” the owner replied.

The customer couldn’t help but laugh. “That sure doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why on Earth would you post that sign?”

“Because, until I hung up that sign, folks kept tripping over him.”

A dietitian was addressing a large audience in Chicago: “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous to some and none of us realize the long term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?” A 75 year old man in the front row stood up and said, “Wedding cake.

Paddy met Mick in the street and Mick said: ‘Paddy will you draw your bedroom curtains before making love to your wife in the future.’

‘Why?’ Paddy asked.

‘Because’ said Mick ‘all the street was laughing when they saw you making love yesterday’

Paddy said. ‘Silly buggers ! – the laugh’s on them. I wasn’t home yesterday. !!’

A blonde was driving home after work and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to the repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car’s tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, “What are you doing?” The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

Her roommate rolled her eyes and said… “HEL-LOOOOOOOO …You gotta roll up the windows!!!