Ask Auntie Linda, October 10, 2015

Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  I have been writing and talking by phone to a man I thought had fourteen more years to serve in prison for sexual assault.  Last time I visited, he told me he was getting out in eight months and wants a relationship with me.  It thought it was harmless enough to write, phone, and visit him because he had a long sentence to serve.  It was thrilling and relieved the frustration of my boring life. I told him I don’t want anything more to do with him, but I keep getting letters saying he is coming when he gets out.  He knows all about where I live and work and all about my children.  He hasn’t actually threatened me, but it’s clear what he means.  I am terrified. How do I get out of this mess? Scared

Dear Scared, You are in a pickle.  Talk to the police in your town.  Don’t ignore this problem.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  My wife and I have a two sets of twins, two-year boys and ten-week old girls.  Betsy just found out she is pregnant with our fifth child in six years.  She is going back to work in two weeks, but now she has decided there is no way she can work afterwards with five children under three.  We were struggling with just the first babies.  We can barely keep the rent paid and the utilities turned on since the girls came.  We are both exhausted all the time, and can barely keep up.  I don’t know how we will manage financially or hold up to the physical demands of five babies.  I already work fifty-five hours a week and would work more except that Betsy needs my help.  We are not living beyond our means.  We don’t have cable, get by with one car, and have the cheapest cell phones available, but do have some credit card debt. We can only pay the minimum, so we are getting further and further behind.Since I make about forty thousand dollars a year, we don’t qualify for any type of assistance.  Where do we turn?  Strapped

Dear Strapped, You are having it rough.  First of all, I recommend you cut up your current cards and get a 0% interest rate for one year and transfer all your balances.  That should cut your bills some.  Be sure not to be late paying or that rate will jump up.  Before the year is up, shop for another 0% interest card and transfer balances again.  Check with social services through your wife’s OB/GYN and the Pediatrician’s office.  If Betsy and the children aren’t on the WIC (Women and Children’s Nutritional Program) they should qualify.  That is a great help. With the increase in your family size, you might be able to get a better health insurance plan through your state program for your family.  Some churches offer Mother’s Day Out.  That might give your wife a little relief.  It is possible you could get food assistance through a food bank, if necessary.  I actually bought a lot of my family’s clothes from Goodwill and Thrift Shops.  You could also get baby equipment there.  If you are lucky enough to have family and friends nearby, accept any help you are offered.  It wouldn’t hurt to check with the employee assistance program at your job and your wife’s.  They might be able to help somehow.  I have know of that to happen where I worked.  You are in for quite a ride.  Good luck!

Evening chuckle

Alcohol jokes
Three guys were sitting in a biker bar. A man came in, already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table. He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face and said, “I went by your grandma’s house and I saw her in the hallway, buck naked. Man, she is fine!” The biker looked at him and didn’t say a word. His buddies were confused,because he was a bad ass, and would fight at he drop of a hat. The drunk leaned on the table again and said, “I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!” The biker still said nothing. His buddies were starting to get mad. The drunk leaned on the table again and said, “I’ll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!” The biker stood up, took the drunk by the shoulder and said, “Damn it, Grandpa, you’re drunk! Go home!”

Little Johnny jokes
Little Johnny comes home from sunday school with a black eye. His father sees it and says, “Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?” “But Dad, it wasn’t my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That’s when she hit me!” “Johnny,” the father said. “You don’t do those kind of things to women.” Sure enough, the very next sunday Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue. Johnny’s father said, “Johnny, I thought we had a talk!” “But Dad,” Johnny said, “It wasn’t my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn’t like this, so I pushed it back in!”

Cop jokes
An elderly couple was just settled down for bed when the old man realized he left the lights on in the greenhouse in the back yard. Then they heard voices. Three men had broken into the greenhouse. Scared, they called the police. The dispatcher replied, he would send an officer as soon as one became available as they were all out on calls. The old man waited for a few minutes and called Dispatch again. He told Dispatch, “Don’t worry about sending an officer, I shot the robbers and now the dogs are eating their bodies!” In no time at all, police were all over the place and captured the robbers red-handed! One of the cops asked the old man, “I thought you said you shot the robber and your dogs were eating them. ” The old man replied, “I thought you said, there weren’t any officers available.”

Laundry in 1950s Part 3

Ironing in the 1950s was a huge chore.  As soon as breakfast was over, and the kitchen tidied, out came the ironing board.  A stack of wire hangers hung on the doorframe, waiting to be pressed into service.  Mother pulled a few pieces of balled up clothing from the pillowcase in the freezer.  Her coke bottle sprinkler was at hand just in case a piece had dried out too much.  It could be re sprinkled and balled up to go back in the freezer till it was just right.

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Mother always attacked Daddy’s clothes first since that was the biggest and most demanding job.  With a freshly cleaned iron, she went for the white shirts Daddy wore for casual and dress.  They had to be spotless, crisp, and perfect.  The iron temperature had to be high to do the job, but a bit of hesitation left a dreaded scorch mark.  A time or two, Mother hung a shirt in his closet with a little scorch she hoped he wouldn’t notice, and he’d throw a fit, wad it up, and throw it down.  “I can’t wear a mess like this!”  I don’t know why she never killed him.  His khaki pants had to have perfect creases.  She starched them and put them on pants stretchers to ensure proper creases  They dried hard and could stand alone when she took them off the line.  His blue work shirts were hard work, but not so challenging as the pants and white shirts.  His five pair of pants and five to seven shirts must be been an exhausting challenge.  He would sometimes wear his pants twice without laundering, so he did help a little with the laundry. His handkerchiefs made quick work.

The dresses and school clothes came next.  I can assure you, after Mother took the time to iron all those frilly little home-made dresses, we changed as soon as we came in from school, so we could wear them at least twice.  She had to rub the underarm seams to soften them up.  Otherwise, they’d scratch at our tender flesh.    The skirts were so stiff, they belled out even without a petticoat.  My brother’s pants and shirts were less challenging, which was fortunate, since he normally got the knees of his pants so dirty, he could only wear them one day.  Naturally, last of all, she ironed her cotton housedresses, since she was a lady of leisure and didn’t have to “work.”

Before she had five children, I remember sheets and pillow cases coming at the end of the list.  Over the years, she got lazy and those fell by the wayside.  Little girls were taught to iron hankies and pillowcases first.  Ironing was “women’s work” not just something a boy needed to know.  How fortunate for them!

Usually by the end of ironing day.  Mother had thirty-five to forty crisp pieces hanging on the threshold of the doorway, seasoning and waiting for the closet.  Every week, she counted those pieces without fail, proudly cataloging her work.  I thank God, we don’t have to do that now!

Afternoon Funny

The local bar was so sure that its owner was the strongest man around that it offered a standing $1,000 bet that no could beat him.

The challenge was that the owner would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money.

Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, weightlifters and all had failed. Then one day this frail little fella with heavy rimmed spectacles came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge.

After the laughter had subsided the owner said that it was only fair that the man be given a chance at the bet, so he picked up a lemon and started squeezing. Once he was done he handed the remains to the little man who promptly squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar.

Everyone looked on in amazement as the owner handed over the prize and asked, “What do you do for a living that has given you such strength? Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, what?”

“No” the man replied, “I work for the IRS.”

A Scotsman, drinking in a Havana bar, saw a man with a large black beard enter. He ordered a drink, the bartender served him, he drank it, and then started to leave.

The bartender said, “Hey! Aren’t you going to pay for that drink?”

The man said, “Excuse me? Castro’s Army!” and walked out.

A few minutes later, the Scotsman saw another man with a large black beard enter, order a drink, drink it, and start to leave. The bartender said, “Hey! Aren’t you going to pay for that?”

The man said, “Excuse me? Castro’s Army!” and walked out.

When the Scotsman finished his drink, he started to leave and the bartender said, “Hey! Aren’t you going to pay for those drinks?”

The Scotsman said, “Excuse me? Castro’s Army!”

Oh my gosh, did you get the license number of the woman who ran you over?”

“Where’s your black beard?”

The quick thinking Scotsman hoisted up his kilt and said, “Secret Service!”

Oh my gosh, did you get the license number of the woman who ran you over?”

“No, but I’d recognize that laugh anywhere.”

Joke of the Day

Describing his teacher to his mother, Jimmy called her “mean but fair.”
“Just what do you mean by that?” – his mother asked.
“She is mean to everybody.” – Jimmy replied.

Pupil (on phone): My son has a bad cold and won’t be able to come to school today.
School Secretary: Who is this?
Pupil: This is my father speaking!

Mother: How do you like your new teacher?
Son: I don’t. She told me to sit up the front for the present and then she didn’t give me one!

Son: I can’t go to school today.
Father: Why not?
Son: I don’t feel well
Father: Where don’t you feel well?
Son: In school!

Teacher: You missed school yesterday didn’t you?
Pupil: Not very much!