All’s Well That End’s Well or Don’t Call the Copper

Did you ever hear a story and think, “Boy, that’s so dumb that could have been my Crazy Cousin Carol’s kid?”  Well, I heard a story like that on the local news a few days ago.  It seems three enterprising young fellows were trying to steal copper wire when one  of them got an electrical shock and appeared to be dead. The other two didn’t want to be implicated in his death or the copper theft, so they loaded what they thought was his lifeless body and the copper in their truck.  After dragging him through his mama’s bedroom window, they tucked him in bed, pulled the covers up to his chin, and were intending to leave him for Mama to find  When she came in from a night out, she heard the ruckus in Junior’s  room and fired off a couple of shots at them.  Upon discovering Junior, she called EMS and the cops.  About the same time Junior got to the ER, so did his buddies with backsides full of shot.  All three recovered and were arrested, since they hadn’t bothered to unload the copper before heading for the hospital.

I was telling my brother this story when he cut me off.  “You do know who that was, don’t you?”

I had to admit I had no idea.

“That was your Cousin Carol’s boy, Jimmy.”  He didn’t bother to explain why she was my cousin and not his.  That kind of took the wind out of my sails, having him knowing more about my story than I did.

All’s well that end’s well.  More on Cousin Carol and her delightful family later.

https://nutsrok.wordpress.com-you-poor-baby

Evening Chuckle

A grasshopper walks into a bar, pulls up a stool, and orders a beer. The bartender pours him a tall, frothy mug and says “You know… we have a drink named after you.” To which the grasshopper replies, “You have a drink named Bob?” A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. “Certainly, sir, that’ll be 1 cent.” “One penny?!” exclaimed the guy. The barman replied, “Yes.” So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, “Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?” “Certainly sir,” replies the bartender, “but all that comes to real money.” “How much money?” inquires the guy. “Four cents,” he replies. “Four cents?!” exclaims the guy. “Where’s the guy who owns this place?” The barman replies, “Out with my wife.” The guy says, “What’s he doing with your wife?” The bartender replies, “Same as what I’m doing to his business.” A gorilla walks into a bar, pulls up a stool, and orders a beer. The bartender pours him a tall, frothy mug and says “That’ll be five bucks.” As the gorilla is paying for his beer, the bartender adds “You know, we don’t get many gorillas in here.” To which the gorilla replies, “At five bucks a beer, it’s no wonder.” The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. “I assume,” she snarled, “that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o’clock in the morning?”  “There is,” he replied. “Breakfast.” Three guys are riding in their truck, drinking beer, having a good time. The driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car so he pulls over. The other two are real nervous, “What do we do with our beers? We’re in trouble!” “No,” the driver says, “just do this: pull the label off of your beer bottle and stick it to your forehead and let me do the talking.” So they all pull the labels off their beer bottles and stick ’em to their foreheads. The policeman walks up and says, “You boys were swerving down the road. Have you been drinking?” The driver says, “Oh, no officer,” and points to his forehead, “we’re on the patch, trying to quit.” A guy walks into a bar with a giraffe and says, “A beer for me, and one for the giraffe, please.” So they proceed to drink. Then: “…a shot for me and one for the giraffe, too” And they keep drinking all evening. Finally the giraffe passes out on the floor of the bar. The guy pays the tab and gets up to leave. The bartender shouts out, “Hey! You’re not going to leave that lyin’ on the floor, are you?” The guy replies “That’s not a lion… it’s a giraffe.”

Dear Auntie Linda, October 2, 2015

Dear Auntie Linda, I am sixty-four and just found out I have terminal cancer. I am currently having chemotherapy and radiation.  My daughter’s parental rights have been terminated since she is in  prison for life without parole.  I have adopted her eleven-month-old son.  She expects to deliver her second in three months.  I was planning to take this child as well, but now know I won’t live to raise either.  It breaks my heart, but I need to find a home for them together. They won’t have any family left when I am gone and they’ll need each other.  I don’t want them to end up in the foster care system. Where do I start? Loving Grandma

Dear Loving, What a heart-breaking story.  I am so sorry.  Since you are currently going through chemotherapy, you must be in a clinical setting. Discuss this with the social worker.  He or she should be able to point you in the right direction. Your doctor or minister should be able to help as well.  I know there have to be people who would welcome two little ones into their homes.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, I am fourteen years old, a cheerleader, an excellent student, and very popular.  I was voted the cutest in the Freshman Class and Christmas Festival Princess.  The problem is my parents.  They are good people and I love them, but wish they looked and dressed better.  My mom ties her hair back in a ponytail and wears clothes off the discount rack at the store where she works.  My dad has a big gut and hasn’t had a decent haircut in years.  My dad has to present me at the Spring Festival, and I know I will be embarrassed.  How can I tactfully ask them to dress better or not to come?  Cute and Smart

Dear Cute and Smart,  Try this.  “Mom and Dad, I know you spend everything you can scrape together to support me being a cheerleader, school activities, and social activities, but that is not enough.  I want you to somehow reinvent yourselves because I am ashamed to be seen in public with you.  I am a very important person, the center of my world, and you’ll never be able to do enough for me.  If you can’t look and act like I want you to, I wish you’d try to stay out of the way.  I know you put some effort into raising me, but compared to the embarrassment I’d suffer if you made me look bad in front of my friends, I appreciate it if you’d continue to make sure I have everything I could ever want, since I deserve the best.”  You might try reading this aloud to an adult you admire and trust to make sure you get everything just right before you tell your parents.  They might have a little feedback for you.  Auntie Linda

Afternoon Funny

Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, “Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser.”

“Oh really, hmm, didn’t know that.”

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. “I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn’t care.” The second Englishman remarked, “You just don’t know how to set him off…watch and learn.” So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, “Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!”

“Oh really, hmm, didn’t know that.”

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. “You’re right. He’s unshakable!”

The third Englishman remarked, “Boys, I’ll really tick him off… just watch.” So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, “I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!”

“Yeah, that’s what your buddies were trying to tell me.”

pirate walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks down and says “You know that you have a steering wheel in your pants”
The pirate replies “Ay, it’s drivin’ me nuts”

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What does a drunk walrus have in common with a woman at a Tupperware party?

A: They’re both out looking for a tight seal.

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At about 3AM, I was drunk as a skunk. I came home just in time to hear the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, I cuckooed nine more times, hoping my wife would think it was midnight. I was very proud of myself.

The next day, my wife asked what time I got home, and I replied, “Midnight, just like I said.”

She said that was good, and for some reason she said we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked why, she answered, “Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three times, said ‘Shit!,’ cuckooed four more times, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more times and then started giggling.”

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An Irishman named O’Malley went to his doctor after a long illness.

The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O’Malley in the eye, and said, “I’ve some bad news for you.
You have cancer, and it can’t be cured. I’d give you two weeks to a month to live.”

O’Malley was shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character. He managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor’s office into the waiting room. There, he saw his son who had been waiting. O’Malley said, “Well son, we Irish
celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t so well. I have cancer,  and I’ve been given a short time to live. Let’s head for the pub and have a few pints.”

After three or four pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O’Malley’s old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. O’Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told
his friends, “I’ve only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS.”

The friends gave O’Malley their condolences, and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, O’Malley’s son leaned over and whispered his confusion. “Dad. I though you said that you were dying from cancer??? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!”

O’Malley said, “I am dying of cancer, son. I just don’t want any of them sleeping with your mother after I’m gone.”

Office Wisdom

 

Eagles may soar high, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines. There may be no ‘I’ in team, but there’s a ‘ME’ if you look hard enough. Process and Procedure are the last hiding place of people without the wit and wisdom to do their job properly. Never do today that which will become someone else’s responsibility tomorrow. Show me a good loser and I’ll show you a LOSER! Put the key of despair into the lock of apathy. Turn the knob of mediocrity slowly and open the gates of despondency – welcome to a day in the average office. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, “How would Chuck Norris handle this?” If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail. If you can keep your head when all around you have lost theirs, then you probably haven’t understood the seriousness of the situation. If you treat the people around you with love and respect, they will never guess that you’re trying to get them fired. If at first you don’t succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried. You have to be 100% behind someone, before you can stab them in the back. If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves. Those of you who think you know everything are annoying to those of us who do. There’s no ‘I’ in ‘team’. But then there’s no ‘I’ in ‘useless smug colleague’, either. And there’s four in ‘platitude-quoting idiot’. Go figure.

Joke of the Day

The Blonde and the Final Exam

A blonde reported for her university final examination which consists
of “yes/no” type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall,
stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration
takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and
marking the answer sheet “Yes” for Heads and “No” for Tails.

Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is sweating
it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the
coin, swearing and sweating.

The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.

The blonde replies, “I finished the exam in half an hour, but I’m rechecking
the answers”.

Old Man McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

“S’cuse me,” said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. “What was that all about?”

“Nothing,” said the Irishman, “my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives.”

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Paddy O’Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. “Please, God,” he implored, “let it be blood!”

An Irishman and his wife entered the dentist’s office.
“I want a tooth pulled, ” the man said. “We are in a big hurry to get to the pub, so don’t fool around with gas or Novocain or any of that stuff.”
“You are a very brave man,” remarked the dentist. “Which tooth is it?”
“Show him your bad tooth, honey,” said the man to his wife.

His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan.
“Did she say anything before she died?” asked the sergeant.
“Well, she spoke without interruption for about forty years,” said the Irishman.

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Two Irishmen are walking up a hill and they see a head roll by them. The first Irishman says “Wasn’t that old Paddy O’Tool? The second Irishman says “I thought he was taller than that!”

Politically Correct Ways to Say Someone Is Stupid

 

A few clowns short of a circus.
*
A few fries short of a happy meal.
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The wheel’s spinning, but the hamster’s dead.
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All foam, no beer.
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The butter has slipped off his/her pancake.
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The cheese slid off his/her cracker.
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Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
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Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
*
Couldn’t pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
*

He/She fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
*
As smart as bait.
*
Doesn’t have all his/her dogs on one leash.
*
His/Her sewing machine’s out of thread.
*
One fruit loop shy of a full bowl.
*
His/Her antenna doesn’t pick up all the channels.
*
His/Her belt doesn’t go through all the loops.
*
Receiver is off the hook.
*
Not wired to code.
*
Skylight leaks a little.
*
His/Her slinky’s kinked.
*
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
*
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together.
*
A photographic memory, but the lens cover is on.
*
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.
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Is so dense, light bends around him/her.
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If brains were taxed, he’d/she’d get a rebate.
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Standing close to him/her, you can hear the ocean.
*
Some folks drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he/she just gargled