Evening Chuckle

When Pop’s son was born, he had no arms, no legs, no torso, just a head.  Nevertheless, he was a fine boy.  Pop was proud of him.  On his twenty-first birthday, Pop carried his son, the Head, into the bar, set the Head up on the bar and called out for the bartender to bring him a shot of his finest whiskey.  “I wouldn’t do that!” said the bartender.

“”Bring’em a whiskey.  It’s his birthday!”  He propped the Head up , tossed the whiskey back, and the Head popped out two arms!  Pop was thrilled!  “Get him another one!” ”

“No” said the bartender.  “Don’t do it.”

“Bring him another one!”  The bartender brought him another, against his best judgment.  The Head drinks and Boom!  He has two legs.  He’s a perfect specimen.  The bar rors with applause!

Pop is thrilled!  He hugs his boy and says, “Come on, son.  Let’s go across the street and I’ll buy you a suit of clothes!  We’re going out to paint the town!”

“No!  No!”  dries the bartender,””Don’t don’t do that!”

They ignored him.  As they crossed the street, they were run over by a truck and smashed to smithereens!  “Happens every time,”  said the bartender.  “Should’ve quit while they were a head.”

Syrup Pitchers

Old Dub, a guy who worked with Bud, was a good old guy and a hard worker, but he was deaf as a post.  It didn’t worry him a lot, though.  He’d gotten used to it and just bumped along in his own little world.  The guys stopped for breakfast one morning on the out to a job.  Dub ordered coffee with his breakfast.  The waitress put it next to his

Women Have It Made

Advantages Of Being A Woman

Why it’s better to be a Woman! 1. We got off the Titanic first. 2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers. 3. Our boyfriend’s clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours. 4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers. 5. We can cry and get off speeding fines. 6. We’ve never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game. 7. Taxis stop for us. 8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance. 9. We don’t look like a frog in a blender when dancing. 10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies … (you get the point). 11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we’re gay. 12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE’RE gay. 13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life. 14. It’s possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower. 15. We don’t have to fart to amuse ourselves. 16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know. 17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt. 18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it. 19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there. 20. If we’re dumb, some people will find it cute. 21. We don’t have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in. 22. We have the ability to dress ourselves. 23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked. 24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we’re aware that we look like an idiot. 25. Our friends won’t think we’re weird if we ask whether there’s spinach in our teeth. 26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems. 27. We’ll never regret piercing our ears. 28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes. 29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark. 30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.

Joke of the Day for Mysogynists

ABC’s of ex girlfriends

A is for Arteries. You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn’t care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a shit about you. B is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!! C is for Call ya later.She won’t. She never has before. D is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained? E is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said “I’m not hungry” so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies. F is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her. G is for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period. H is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out. I stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favors. J stands for Jim. This is her new boyfriend. Doesn’t Jim have a nice car ? Doesn’t Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy. K stands for Kill. L is for Love. It’s a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties. L is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love. M stands for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for. N stands for Necropheliac. She didn’t move very much, did she? O is for On top. When on top she has another O word. P is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now sueing you for a few hundred bucks a month. Q is for Quitter. She couldn’t last. R is for Rich little Bitch. She bought my love but I paid for it. S stands for Suffer. That’s what she made me do. T is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies. U is for Understatement. Saying you hate that bitch is an understatement. V is for Voluptuous. That is the primamry reason you were dating her in the first place. W stands for Whine. She was a pro at this. X is for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone. Y stands for You suck! Remember when she yelled that at you. Z stands for ZIPPER. This is what you got your hair stuck in while trying to get dressed too quickly while she yelled “QUICK! They’re home!” . stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won’t get any for a week.

E-mail Addresses It Would Be Really Annoying to Give Out Over the Phone.

BY MICHAEL WARD

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MikeUnderscore2004@yahoo.com

MikeAtYahooDotCom@hotmail.com

Mike_WardAllOneWord@yahoo.com

AAAAAThatsSixAs@yahoo.com

One1TheFirstJustTheNumberTheSecondSpelledOut@hotmail.com

Joke of the Day

A man walks into a bar with a pork pie on his head. The barman asks, “Why are you wearing a pork pie on your head?”

The man replies, “It’s a family tradition. We always wear pork pies on our heads on Tuesday.”

The barman remarks, “But it’s Wednesday.”

Sheepishly, the man says, “Man, I must look like a real fool.”